The comic strips that appear in your local newspaper are some of the lamest, dumb, and watered down entertainment you'll ever encounter. That's a fact. Most of them are written and drawn by some 90-year-old hag who thinks having a kid say something "sassy" to an adult or making a cat talk is absolutely hilarious stuff. Here's an example of the type of junk we're dealing with here:

HAHA! See, it's funny because the little kid gave Grandpa sass by pointing out the obvious: Grandpa is old as hell and really close to death! Hoo boy, you can bet Gramps is gonna beat the living daylights outta Granny tonight for embarrassing him like that in front of all his invisible friends! Or the ghosts of all his dead friends, whatever. Also, see how Heathcliff is dressed up like a fireman? That's funny because:

a) the cake is a fire hazard since there's so many candles, and
b)
cats aren't supposed to get dressed up as firemen!

Are you laughing your ass off yet? Do you not see the humor? I don't either. For God's sake, the arthritis-ridden retard who has wasted his life by drawning the same damn stupid cat every day for the past ninety years can't even draw a straight line around the border of his comics anymore. So where must us enlightened souls find true cartoon enlightenment? Entertainment, Pokey The Penguin is thy name!

Pokey the Penguin is - according to the first strip - an educational children's cartoon where Pokey and his pals have fun learning about the hazards of the Arctic Circle. Pokey's chief concern is the Italians, who try to steal valuable artic circle candy. In theory, at least. Here's a quick run-down of the characters to get you up to speed:

Pokey The Penguin- The main character. He loves arctic circle candy and is very protective of his belongings (see "THE FORBIDDEN CANDY"). Pokey has a bit of a temper and is prone to pulling his trusty handgun on those who don't agree with his point of view. Pokey loves spouting his clever catch-phrases, which include "YES!", "GOOD JOB!", "HOORAY," and "I AM POKEY THE PENGUIN!" A gentleman at heart, Pokey is the proud owner of both a time canoe and a difficult family life. Most of the adventures revolve around Pokey or the tricks he plays on his buddies.
Small Child and/or Pokey's Sister- Some speculate that Pokey's sister and Small Child are one in the same, but it's kind of hard to tell. The only reference to Pokey having a sister is in a single comic featuring Batman and as we all know, you should never trust Batman. Regardless, she is Pokey's best friend and often sets up Pokey's punchlines by asking hard hitting questions like "HELLO POKEY!" She has a red bow in her hair.
Mr. Nutty- Quite simply, Mr. Nutty rocks. He's a snowman who is quite fond of the alcohol (meaning he's almost always drunk), loves to play cards, and has proven himself to be a bit of a con artist, a trait that carries over into his theme park, Nuttyland. Some theorize that Mr. Nutty makes his living through hoodwinking penguins and robbing banks. Regardless of Mr. Nutty's lifestyle, it's clear that he's quite wealthy. Other characters live in tubes or shacks, but Mr. Nutty resides in stately Nutty Manor. Many fans of the comic believe that Mr. Nutty is a bad influence on Pokey, using Pokey's recent Jewel Heist as evidence to back up their theory. Personally, I think Pokey is just a fun-loving Penguin. Mr. Nutty's catchphrases include "OLD BEAN!," "SMASHING!," "SHALL I OPEN UP THE BAR?," and "TRULY!"
Skeptopotamus- Skeptopotamus is a bit of a mystery. Yeah, he's a confirmed skeptic and a terrible gamer (see "THE SKEPTOPOTAMUS (I DON'T BELIEVE IT)" , the Scully to Pokey's Mulder, but beyond that… who knows? Skepto has claimed in the past to be a rap musician, but this claim seems dubious at best. Skeptopotamus seems to have a hard time finding appropriate shelter, and past residences include a straw hut, a comfort tube, an oil drum, and a shanty.
Headcheese- Headcheese was a significant factor in early issues, but seems to have disappeared. She's characterized by a purple bow in her hair, although it could be pieces of her brain. She's French-Canadian, and may have been murdered by Pokey for being in "cahoots" with the Italians.

Gustavo- Gustavo has only appeared in a couple of strips, but his intentions are clear: he's a shyster! Gustavo could be a snowman, like Mr. Nutty, but it's hard to tell. According to Pokey, he is "MAXIMUM SMART!"

The Boxing Glove- A floating boxing glove of various sizes. When it hits something, it goes "*BIF*".

Congratulations! You're now ready to enjoy the Pokey experience to its fullest. To get you started, here's a collection of some of Pokey's greatest adventures:

But it's hard picking favorites, since there's just hundreds of wonderful adventures to explore. Check out the Pokey The Penguin Archive and remember: Pokey always wins!

Goodbye, Molly Shannon, and Good Riddance!

As I was listening to the thrilling Xtreme Outlaws XFL game (remember, "there's no fair catch in the XFL! VOTE FOR ME!"), I heard the wonderful news that Molly Shannon is leaving Saturday Night Live. THANK GOD. Hopefully she'll follow in the footsteps of the great John Belushi, Phil Hartman, and Chris Farley, and die at a fairly young age. But as they like to say "only the good die young," and Molly Shannon definitely doesn't qualify as anything resembling good.

Anyone who has attempted to stomach an episode of SNL these past few years have been repulsed by Shannon's one-joke, stupid-ass shtick. Her apparent comic talent is her ability to act like an stupid, unattractive slut. As JeffK might say "WOW THAT SI QUITE TEH ACTING JOB GIRL-SIR TUCK YOUR BOOBIES IN A BLENDER AND LICK YUO FACE!!!"

I'm amazed that someone like Molly Shannon could secure the lead role in a movie based on her "Mary Katherine Slutgirl" character, pop-up in The Grinch - the biggest movie of the year - playing the role of "Mary Who-Slut," and continue to lead a successful life in this society. It just isn't fair. People like Molly Shannon shouldn't exist. And if God messes up and somehow creates a Molly Shannon-like being by mistake, don't acerbate the situation by putting such a horror on television. ARGH!

Regardless, getting her off TV is a step in the right direction I suppose. Farewell, Molly Shannon, and happy future drug overdosing.

– Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.