People of America, citizens of the world of infidels and blasphemers, by the will of Allah and the teachings of the prophet, peace be upon him, we have captured your city of Bomont.
I am Abubakar Shekau and I am the one who canceled dancing, along with everything else, in your town. We have fired rocket grenades into your general stores, we have burned your empty dancing factories, machine gunned your pets, torn your drapes, bayoneted your giclee prints, smashed your TVs and we have annihilated the house of lies you call a high school. Your sons have been machine gunned. Your husbands have been machine gunned. Wives also machine gunned. Some daughters have been sold into sex slavery of the least enjoyable form and the rest have been scheduled for machine gunning.
We have beheaded most of your town leaders and those we have not beheaded we will soon behead or shoot with machine guns when it is convenient to our schedules of shooting and beheading. We will not be rushed in such matters. Because so many of you have tried to escape, we hereby order all of you to go barefoot from this moment forward. You will kick off your Sunday shoes.
You will not cut loose or attempt to go footloose or we will chop off your limbs and set them on a fire. We have already placed Louise on her knees for beheading. Jack was tied to several Toyota trucks mounting heavy machine guns and we pulled him apart with a crack. You could say that he really went footloose, but this would be incorrect because it was his arms and entire legs that detached.
From this point forward the following activities will be accepted in Bomont:
Now, I am at least 2% not a cruel man. I understand that most of you who have not been machine gunned probably think these rules are too strict. That we do not allow you to have fun here in Bomont. This could not be further from the truth. Studying the Quran is extremely pleasurable. Owning numerous child sex slaves is a real perk. So long as you are a man willing to convert to Islam and probably die in a suicide attack, I think you will realize just how much fun you can have in Bomont. Just do not dance nor do the many other things we have forbidden.
From the oldest of times, people danced for a number of reasons. They danced in prayer... or so that their crops would be plentiful... or so their hunt would be good. And they danced to stay physically fit... and show their community spirit. And they danced to celebrate. Which is wrong and against Allah. You may think Mohammad allowed the Christians of Abyssinia to dance modestly within the mosque. He was only waiting to machine gun them later. So do not dare to dance. It is blasphemy.
Everything is blasphemy.
All the best,
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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