As you may or may not know Something Awful has been involved in a bitter feud with former wrestling star The Ultimate Warrior. I have been silent about this legal battle since it began but today I'm ready to break the silence and talk about how I feel about this.
I know this may sound strange coming from me but I do believe that Something Awful does not have a leg to stand on in this case. The things said about Ultimate Warrior are indeed untrue and very hurtful. I was shocked and amazed to see my fellow writer Zack Parsons talk about The Ultimate Warrior the way he did. I hope they sue this site for everything it's worth (last I heard we were worth two packs of Big League Chew and a half smoked cigarette). I don't think I'm out of line here.
The Ultimate Warrior is a beautiful and kind man. He has helped me in ways you cannot imagine. When I was a teenager I was confused about my life and where it was going. I fell into a deep depression and failed to graduate because of it. I was almost ready to end it all when I heard the beautiful words of The Ultimate Warrior. His rippling muscles and firmly toned buttocks gave me the courage I needed to come out of the closet and admit to the world that I was gay. He helped me come to terms with my sexuality by showing the world that homosexuals can become successful in the World Wrestling Federation. In fact, he showed us just how homo the WWF really is!
I applaud The Ultimate Warrior for having that kind of courage to be a gay man in a widely popular wrestling league. He will forever be remembered in my heart as the man I used to masturbate to before I went to sleep every night. Today I am featuring a message board called Warrior Web so that you can all see how The Ultimate Warrior has touched the lives of his fans.
Oh Ultimate Warrior, you card!
Thanks for the clarification. Now it makes all kinds of sense!
Let me fill you in on a little FACT, Mr. Internet. It is a fact that homosexuality does not make the world work. Homosexuals are inferior to heterosexuals. They can't throw as far, cannot handle complex math questions as well, make less money than heterosexuals, and have little fashion sense. The myth of the gay man is an urban legend at best. Gays are not a clean people, nor do they know how to dress themselves correctly. I hope this little reality check has changed your mind.
They're not welcome at Something Awful either! GET OUT ARABS WE DON'T WANT YOU BLOWING UP OUR INTERNETS.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
There are hundreds of stories happening on the World Wide Web. Let me tell you, that's a very wide web. Our goal at Weekend Web is to bring you the latest headlines from around the Internet. We go into the very bowels of message boards everywhere and find out what millions of online citizens have to say.