This article is part of the The Great American Reach Around series.

Jeffrey

Phoenix, Arizona

Phoenix is the capital of great state of Arizona. You may remember us as the home of John McCain and the Arizona Cardinals. Most recently, we've had a serial rapist and a serial shooter working at the same time - imagine what they could have accomplished if they had combined their evil superpowers.

Phoenix was founded by the Mormons and a bunch of Civil War veterans. The original name of Phoenix was going to be Stonewall, named after the famous Confederate General Stonewall Jackson.

As you make your way into the downtown you will be awed by the utter lack of anything to do after 7pm. Everything closes after 5, even the Starbucks. If you are unlucky enough to attend a Diamondbacks game, enjoy leaving the stadium and experiencing the gridlock of the completely destroyed streets Downtown. We have a multi billion dollar Light Rail system being built, despite the fact that polls show that no one will use it.

Since everything in Phoenix closes early, you have to go to Tempe. Tempe is the city that no one from outside of the state can pronounce correctly. It is home of my Alma Mater, Arizona State University. We have a rigorous academic standard - do you know how hard it is to get a degree in Golf Course management?

Tempe is a college town, and Mill Avenue is the place to pay cover charges on over crowded pool halls and stupidly named bars. A fun activity on Mill is to watch the Cops arrest drunken frat boys for threatening the bouncer at the Big Bang for not accepting his fake ID he made in Photoshop.

The one thing about the Phoenix metro area is that it is huge. We are located in Maricopa County, which is bigger and less smelly than the horrible state of New Jersey. Our neighboring city, Mesa, is a suburb of Phoenix and has 430,000 people in it.

Our snotty hot older stepsister is Scottsdale, home of the fake tan, fake boobs, and 35k millionaires. The most common car to see out there is a late 90's BMW 3 series, which Kelly Blue Book is less than a new Toyota Corolla.

As a native Phoenician, I can identify with the people who say Phoenix has no culture. It's a new town, and everyone from all over the US moves here to start a family, get a job, then rape and shoot people. Thanks to the never ending boom in population, Phoenix is second only to Southern California in terms of a massive housing bubble. Look out Orange County; we're going to take your spot as the Foreclosure capital of the United States!

People have this perception of Arizona that it's riding horses to work, blowing tumbleweeds in the streets and shootouts at the corral. In reality, its people shooting each other on the way to work, Coyotes smuggling illegals through the streets, and shootouts at the Filibertos parking lot. I love my city!

That will do it for the American portion of this Great American Reach Around. If your state was skipped all I have to offer is my condolences. Your state was possibly really lame, but in a way that was too boring for a rant. It could have been great, but we'll never know.

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.