So you're an old man, probably writing for one of the nation's most prestigious newspapers, and you have decided you want to write a column conveying your opinions about sexual assault. This is perfectly natural. You are an expert on every topic, but especially expert when it comes to those nubile nymphs at college. Over the years you have developed some strong opinions about college women being sexually assaulted. And why they are exploiting their sexual assaults for profit. Take a deep breath. Gather your thoughts. Consult our helpful guide to writing about sexual assault.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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