Triticum Guzzler wrote this; no they will not made the images.


Terrible God Damn Comic Book Movies: Days of Future Past

by Muscular Time Traveller

I have travelled long and far, to this, the bleak year in which president of Marvel Studios Kevin Feige printed off a wall chart with the next 15 years of comic book movies planned out. He remarked that it's like looking through the Hubble telescope, which is true in that doing so requires corrective lenses and ultimately you're just a fat guy gazing at nerd shit.

Tell my tale to those who ask, tell it true, for now cracks a noble heart. Haha, just fucking with you, that's what I'd say if I were some kind of thespian queermo like Hugh Jackman. Hugh's heart cracked alright, though, and at the tender age of 50. When Marvel first made their pitch about replacing the entirety of human cultural output with comic book movies by 2025, the first slide of their presentation read "Imagine Hollywood ... On Steroids!!!" Hugh immediately ran out of the door looking for Mr. Clean.

By the time Wolverine: Origins: The Origins of X-Men's Wolverine 4 rolled around, they had to dub over Hugh's lines because he insisted on carrying around an ostentatious golden belt on set and yelling about killing all aboard the X-Plane by murdering the pilots and flying it into the ground any time he saw a camera. God rest his soul.

My story? I'm just a normal guy, from the future, a bleak future where the only movies are comic book movies, and if you imply that you don't like it, or remember movies not composed entirely of guys doing superhero poses in front of a green screen, a guy from on line who does future tech support for a living will fight you to the death.

For those who may doubt me, please find enclosed documentary evidence of upcoming films, and please, when the time comes, rise up as one people, and watch Tron on VHS instead.

D.C Comics

Batman Begins - Batman falls into a hole as a young boy and develops a fear of holes (visited again in the third movie), leading to his iconic vow of celibacy. He seeks out the descendants of Mr. Miyagi and learns exactly enough karate to achieve a physical stalemate with Liam Neeson, a 53 year old man. This emboldens him to try fighting people after bedtime as a career. (141 minutes)

The Dark Knight - A clown goes to great lengths to establish himself as Batman's lifelong nemesis, then immediately dies. Inexplicable popularity with the autistic in spite of the abrupt camerawork and multiple loud explosions led to Christopher Nolan being hired as a Presidential speechwriter, despite the stupidity of the dialogue. (162 minutes)

The Dark Knight Rises -Two muscular children with funny voices very slowly fight each other, except when involved in bizarre Machiavellian schemes for no reason. We collectively choose to believe this is dark and serious because of the black costume in spite of every single thing we see and hear for the duration of the runtime. (201 minutes)

Gotham - Before Batman "Began" to wear a dark suit to beat up strangers, there was an equally rich and unlikable child, except he was 11 and knew little, if any karate moves. Follow his adventures through several tedious years of home schooling. (840 episodes)

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice - As a joke the production reels were replaced with one long, unbroken shot of Ben Affleck and Henry Cavill yelling "YOU'LL FUCKING PAY FOR ANYTHING" then drawing funny faces on their genitals, pointing them towards the camera, achieving erection, and using superhero death grip strength to squeeze all the blood into the glans until they resembled megacephalic salamanders. Critics praised Affleck's nuanced performance as Batman, and his willingness to abuse steroids in order to provide a physical presence that could match Superman, whose penis is for all intents invincible. It became the first movie to gross 3 billion dollars. (220 minutes)

Batman Begins Again - Batman goes back to university as a mature student to retrain as a biochemist. A long and uninteresting subplot occupies the middle third of the film, wherein The Riddler dedicates himself to a life of academic rigour in order to write Batman's final exam. Batman defeats his foe by dropping out and earning a degree in Carving Broom Handles For Veterans from the University of Phoenix Online, the world's largest distance learning University, with the longest running online learning programme. Check out their great rates and degree courses today. (232 minutes)

Batman Middles - Batman enters a distinctly average phase of his career of using Asian mysticism to beat up fat dock workers when he discovers a web site where a group of unfuckable dullards review all the Superman movies on their merits as pieces of feminist literature and spends all his time on his Batcomputer, causing him to miss Alfred's funeral. (245 minutes)

Justice League: It Takes 800 Of These Fucking Guys To Fight Like, I Dunno, A Mime That Appeared In 3 Comics In 1956 That Nobody's Ever Heard Of - Batman, Superman, and several of the guys who are functionally identical to Batman or Superman but with names like The Gazer, Watchtower, Lookout, and Sentry build a massive, weaponised orbital space station in order to beat up some guys called The Condiment King and Calendar Man. (248 minutes)

The Dark Knight Falls - I DON'T NEED TO GO TO THE FUCKING E.R, OK? It's just bruised. I don't want to have to wait hours in a room full of howling shitheads to pay for another God damn x-ray when I already know it's not broken, ok? Trust me, I'm fine. (260 minutes)

The Dark Knight Rises 2 - Batman recovers from a broken wrist. (274 minutes)

The Polar Knight - Ben Affleck is sent to the arctic circle to do exactly what a twitch.tv chat room tells him to for 28 continuous days without sunlight but has a nervous breakdown. (ongoing)

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