Bear's Worst Case Scenario Involving Snakes:
As you open the flap of your tent, a rattlesnake bites your hand and refuses to explain how it got inside a sealed tent in the first place.
My Worst Case Scenario Involving Snakes:
While looking at snakes in one of those pet stores that focuses on unusual animals and cashiers with too many tattoos, you tap the glass a little too hard, triggering a nuclear bomb.
Bear's Worst Case Scenario Involving An Earthquake:
The big one hits. Trapped in a pile of rubble-like foam, you must tunnel your way to freedom and make a badass bandit mask.
My Worst Case Scenario Involving An Earthquake:
The big one hits, killing millions just as you're moments away from making a difficult jump in Mario Galaxy 2.
Bear's Worst Case Scenario Involving A Light Bulb:
A light bulb breaks. You have to get it out but it's all sharp and stuff.
My Worst Case Scenario Involving A Light Bulb:
You have history's greatest idea in the middle of a light bulb warehouse, then realize that making a joke about having a great idea in a light bulb factory that results in a massive explosion isn't as funny as it seemed.
Bear's Worst Case Scenario Involving A Steep Mountain Road:
Your brakes give out. Instinctively, you make a beeline for the guardrail and drive off the mountain, rolling to your death in totally sweet slow motion.
My Worst Case Scenario Involving A Steep Mountain Road:
A steep mountain road rapes you directly up the butt.
Bear's Worst Case Scenario Involving Young Hooligans With Bottles:
Walking through the city at night, you are attacked with no warning and no time to do the warm-up stretches that typically precede your physical activities.
My Worst Case Scenario Involving Young Hooligans With Bottles:
Your dream of a combination energy drink and baby formula marketed toward hip males between the ages of 13 and 30 becomes a reality. Bottles of Nip Sipz (complete with ultra-realistic nipple tops) become a staple in seedy convenience stores and gas stations worldwide.
Bear's Worst Case Scenario Involving Freezing Temperatures:
You find yourself locked in a walk-in freezer, instantly regretting the decision to not work somewhere with a walk-out freezer.
My Worst Case Scenario Involving Freezing Temperatures:
Working with a team unearthing secrets of the last ice age, you crack open a glacier and discover an ancient text. Carbon dating reveals it to be the oldest piece of literature written by man - a very early draft of Encino Man.
Bear's Worst Case Scenario Involving A Hand:
After sitting in the bleachers of a local baseball field for several hours with your hand - naturally - under your ass, you are shocked to discover that the hand is unresponsive. Pins and needles will kick in within seconds. What will you do??
My Worst Case Scenario Involving A Hand:
Your blind date with lobster girl goes well. Too well.
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Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.