Bear's Worst Case Scenario Involving Snakes:
As you open the flap of your tent, a rattlesnake bites your hand and refuses to explain how it got inside a sealed tent in the first place.
My Worst Case Scenario Involving Snakes:
While looking at snakes in one of those pet stores that focuses on unusual animals and cashiers with too many tattoos, you tap the glass a little too hard, triggering a nuclear bomb.
Bear's Worst Case Scenario Involving An Earthquake:
The big one hits. Trapped in a pile of rubble-like foam, you must tunnel your way to freedom and make a badass bandit mask.
My Worst Case Scenario Involving An Earthquake:
The big one hits, killing millions just as you're moments away from making a difficult jump in Mario Galaxy 2.
Bear's Worst Case Scenario Involving A Light Bulb:
A light bulb breaks. You have to get it out but it's all sharp and stuff.
My Worst Case Scenario Involving A Light Bulb:
You have history's greatest idea in the middle of a light bulb warehouse, then realize that making a joke about having a great idea in a light bulb factory that results in a massive explosion isn't as funny as it seemed.
Bear's Worst Case Scenario Involving A Steep Mountain Road:
Your brakes give out. Instinctively, you make a beeline for the guardrail and drive off the mountain, rolling to your death in totally sweet slow motion.
My Worst Case Scenario Involving A Steep Mountain Road:
A steep mountain road rapes you directly up the butt.
Bear's Worst Case Scenario Involving Young Hooligans With Bottles:
Walking through the city at night, you are attacked with no warning and no time to do the warm-up stretches that typically precede your physical activities.
My Worst Case Scenario Involving Young Hooligans With Bottles:
Your dream of a combination energy drink and baby formula marketed toward hip males between the ages of 13 and 30 becomes a reality. Bottles of Nip Sipz (complete with ultra-realistic nipple tops) become a staple in seedy convenience stores and gas stations worldwide.
Bear's Worst Case Scenario Involving Freezing Temperatures:
You find yourself locked in a walk-in freezer, instantly regretting the decision to not work somewhere with a walk-out freezer.
My Worst Case Scenario Involving Freezing Temperatures:
Working with a team unearthing secrets of the last ice age, you crack open a glacier and discover an ancient text. Carbon dating reveals it to be the oldest piece of literature written by man - a very early draft of Encino Man.
Bear's Worst Case Scenario Involving A Hand:
After sitting in the bleachers of a local baseball field for several hours with your hand - naturally - under your ass, you are shocked to discover that the hand is unresponsive. Pins and needles will kick in within seconds. What will you do??
My Worst Case Scenario Involving A Hand:
Your blind date with lobster girl goes well. Too well.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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