In Man Vs. Wild, Bear Grylls showed viewers how to survive in nature's harshest environments. Invariably, this involved ingesting every last drop of moisture in a pile of animal feces within the first ten minutes of being stranded. Now Grylls has a new show, Worst Case Scenario, in which he shows viewers how to survive terrifying situations in modern life such as turning on a television and seeing a man wring a gallon of gritty orange liquid from a ten pound turd into his gagging maw.
The series has potential, but I'm not sure the scenarios we're presented with are actually the worst things that could happen.
Bear's Worst Case Scenario Involving A Car:
A collision between a delivery truck and an SUV leaves both drivers trapped in flipped vehicles, with the very real chance of fire and/or an explosion.
My Worst Case Scenario Involving A Car:
You walk in on your sportscar having sex with one of your daughters, and are mortified because it chose the older, less attractive girl. As you stumble backwards into the hall, you are run down by the ghost of Dale Earnhardt's race car.
Bear's Worst Case Scenario Involving Industrial Glue:
You get your thumb and index finger stuck together.
My Worst Case Scenario Involving Industrial Glue:
While affixing the last piece to an intricate and expensive Warhammer figurine, you reach out to your side for the bottle of glue and instead discover your disembodied head.
Bear's Worst Case Scenario Involving A Lake:
Midlife Crisis Man crashes his jetski into an old man's fishing boat. Both victims are dazed and stranded in the cold water far from shore. You must race against time to save them.
My Worst Case Scenario Involving A Lake:
While on a lakeside company picnic, you suddenly realize that in your rush to leave earlier that morning, you had accidentally left the coffee maker on and turned your father-in-law's life support off. Why did they have to keep his bed in the kitchen? When did Coffee Mate get into the life support machine business?
Bear's Worst Case Scenario Involving A Downed Power Line:
A live power line falls on your car, shorting the electronics and making it impossible to drive away.
My Worst Case Scenario Involving A Downed Power Line:
You see someone get zapped by a downed power line, and are very disappointed when they just sort of flop to the ground instead of launching through the air with frizzy hair and comical black marks covering their body.
Bear's Worst Case Scenario Involving Gum:
You get a piece of gum stuck on your shoe. You have to take the gum off and it's sort of sticky.
My Worst Case Scenario Involving Gum:
While chewing gum, you pass the event horizon of a black hole. Your body stretches at a rate faster than light, the only saving grace being that the pain signals can't outrun the pull of gravity to reach your brain. Whatever unfathomable form your physical body becomes is sent to an infinitely small space with infinite mass, where time itself breaks down.
Bear's Worst Case Scenario Involving Wild Dogs:
In the world's worst parking lot, you are set upon by a pair of dogs that have spent so long looking for their misplaced car that they have become rabid.
My Worst Case Scenario Involving Wild Dogs:
A dog sees you urinating in public and calls the police.
Bear's Worst Case Scenario Involving A Cell Phone:
While chatting on an iPhone, someone drives their minivan directly into a river. Believing the phone to be a prototype, you dive in after them.
My Worst Case Scenario Involving A Cell Phone: You spend more than thirty seconds a day texting.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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