PROPER: Saying, "morning, miss!"NOT PROPER: Saying, "Yeah, wash those hands good you dirty, dirty girl! Oohhh yes..."A lot of people say that courtship and chivalry are dead. But it's just not true! The same mating rituals that worked in the 1700's still work great today. You just need to know the rules! Follow this simple guide to courtship and you'll double your dating faster than a cat's whisker!
Date #1: There must be absolutely no physical contact during the first date. In fact, all communication must be through telegraph or written letter, and these communications must be carefully screened by the lady's father or uncle.
TIP: Do not use salacious language in your first date letter, such as "pretty" or "hug."
Date #2: You are allowed to meet your date in person, but again, no physical interaction of any sort is allowed. Direct eye contact is also forbidden.
TIP: If you must look in your date's direction, stare at their left shoulder.
Date #3: Now this is where things get hot and heavy! At the end of the third date, the man is allowed to kiss the lady's gloved hand under a streetlight. Please note that the woman's hand must be gloved as direct skin-to-skin contact at this point could result in blindness. It is also now acceptable to laugh at your date's casual antics.
TIP: If a woman does not let you kiss her gloved hand at the end of the third date, then that means she is a prude and not worth dating. This is called the "three date rule."
Date #4: Direct eye contact is allowed, but no winking or fluttering of the eyelashes, lovebirds! You may also briefly hold hands if you are both wearing gloves.
TIP: Some women will allow you to hold their hand on the 4th date even if you aren't wearing gloves. If your date lets you do that, she's probably a prostitute. So be polite, offer her a copper for her services, then dump her.Look at this idiot! He's wearing the glove instead of the lady and the woman's nipple is exposed. These people are obviously witches and must be burned.
Date #5: Have you ever heard the phrase "this is where the gloves come off?" Well, that's exactly what happens on the 5th date! Now you are allowed to briefly hold gloveless hands and sit upon a park bench.
TIP: Once seated, you may only talk about the following subjects: weather, the bible, plants, silverware, top hats, brass, liver oil, Spartacus, grain, and buildings within your township.
Date #6: Now the man is allowed to wink. The lady is allowed to blush and fan herself in a flirtatious manner.
TIP: Some couples take things too fast and engage in middling chicanery. For example, the male may make a suggestive comment such as, "this wind is as soft as your skin and as sweet as your melodic laughter." Ladies beware! If your date says something such as this, he is most certainly a rapist. Call the constable and arrange for a lynch mob post-haste.
Date #7: Up until now all dating must obviously take place in public. Some old-fashioned people believe that a chaperon must supervise all dates up until date #18... but in today's modern society, a chaperon is no longer required after the seventh date.
TIP: After the seventh date, it is customary for the man to tip his top hat to the chaperon and say, "thank you for watching over this young lady's honor, dear sir/madam, but I will guide the carriage from here."
Date #8: You may now sit alone on the front porch of the lady's house to engage in light banter and hand holding. At this point, you may also talk about which race of people is your least favorite.
TIP: If you have strong feelings for your partner, it is permissible now for the woman to allow the man to smell her wrist.Whoa whoa WHOA, slow down there kids! This isn't a house of whores!
Date #9: This is the big one: you are allowed to briefly dance with your partner. If there is accidental contact with the lady's bosom or brushing against the man's lower body, yell loudly for a priest: you are forced to get married at this point.
TIP: If you don't want to get married during the ninth date, don't dance. Play a game of Cribbage instead.
Date #10: The man may now give the lady a gift of flowers. The lady is expected to flash a bit of elbow in appreciation.
TIP: When giving flowers, don't say something like, "I'd love to pluck your flower really hard, if you know what I mean." Disregard this advice if you are a creep and/or the woman is ugly.
Date #11: The man may now kiss the lady upon the cheek. Congratulations! You've scored.
TIP: If you're a male, be sure to brag to all your friends about your conquest down at the pub. If you are a woman, don't talk about getting kissed or you'll be forever known as a filthy harlot.
I hope you've found this simple guide to courtship useful! Go forth and be merry, you assholes!
Step One: Salvage a ridiculous chair from a race car or a fighter jet. Now it will support your ridiculous body as you play a virtual card game.
Leonard Cohen's "Nevermind" is sliced up differently for each episode of True Detective's second season. Find out what the lyrics mean!
The water got bigger? my sand castle was destroyed and we had to move. Who did this?
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.