These delightful random encounters are perfect for any situation, either solo adventuring or with a group. You can work them into an existing campaign, create a campaign based solely on rolling on the random encounter chart, or you can just use them in your day-to-day life as a substitute for actually leaving your parent's basement. You may have up to six encounters per day. Roll a 117-sided die to determine what you encounter.
1-2 A level 14 Abraham Lincoln (Presidential Pantheon, Page 17) attacks from ambush. He will begin by casting (as 20th level) Emancipation Incantation and then will follow up with raking claws and prehensile hat attacks. If reduced to 25% of his hit points, the Lincoln will attempt to Gate in Ulysses S. Grant (80% chance of success) along with the 188th Boston Riflemen.
3-4 Lemmy from Motorhead attacks! He wields three big horrid moles per turn and on a successful strike he can cause you to develop huge mutton-chops that permanently reduce your charisma by five.
5-6 Three pairs of not-quite-ordinary shoes. These shoes are the opposite of extra-ordinary. Seem comfortable at first but inflict terrible Demonic Bunions on the wearer (Mordenkainan's Big Folio of Hoof and Mouth Diseases, Page 108).
7-8 There are some elves with lasers emerging from the whirlpool of time. There are 3D6+XD8 elves, where X is equal to your character level minus 10. If you are an elf there is a 25% chance that the elves will not want to shoot their lasers at you. If there are no elves about then the laser-wielding elves coming out of the time whirlpool will definitely want to shoot their lasers at you. If all but one of the elves is killed, the remaining elf will attempt to detonate its self destruct device.9-10 Uh oh, you just saw an anime. Add three to your "months until you have sex" score. If you already have a girlfriend who is really into anime then make a separate roll to determine whether or not she is a furry.
11-15 Several kobolds ambush you. They aren't really in the mood to attack you so they smoke cigarettes and shout insults at you while they lean against a wall and try to look cool. One of them actually feels sort of bad about it and he calls you later to apologize.
16-20 Make a willpower save with a difficulty of 46. If you fail your saving throw you have just purchased something from Jim and Jake's Knife Showcase on QVC. If your roll was a critical failure you just bought the "101 Cinema Blades: Movie Knives, Swords, and More" collection.21-24 A leprechaun will grant you a single wish as long as that wish is not more wishes. You agree to this stipulation and then wish for more wishes anyway. The leprechaun shivs you in the kidney and leaves you to bleed out in an alleyway.
25-28 Do you know what the troposphere is? Well, it's okay if you don't, you're about to find out first hand.
29-36 While campaigning to save "Veronica Mars" from cancellation you pull a tendon in your wrist angrily typing up an online petition. You suffer 3D6 hit points of damage. Subtract one from any future rolls when determining whether or not "Veronica Mars" has been cancelled.
37-44 You encounter a sleeping helicopter. You may attempt to sneak past it making a sneak roll with a difficulty of 36-24-36, only if she's five three (wa-wee-wa-wee). If the roll fails the helicopter receives an attack of opportunity and may use its helicopter touch power which inflicts d3+1 negative levels.
45-49 You are attacked by a bugbear but you become confused as to whether it is a bug or a bear and it becomes embarrassed and sulks off.50-59 You are ambushed by D6+2 salted peanuts. The peanuts have no attacks and cannot move, they just drop from the tree above you and land on your neck. If you have no peanut allergies this attack is harmless. If you have a peanut allergy you die instantly. Welcome to the nightmare world of peanut allergies. I think we can all learn a bit of tolerance from this random encounter.
60-71 There is an ancient red dragon lurking nearby, but like, it's from another planet where dragons are the size of a mouse and people are the size of ants, man. It's far out, and like, it shoots rainbows instead of fire and it talks in a little high-pitched helium voice. It still casts disintegrate at the 20th level.
72-85 You appear in an Old West town and are immediately elected sheriff. Before you can object a pack of bandits ride in and demand the deed to the old mine out west. Their leader is named Bad Briscoe and he is an 11th level druid.
86-117 3D6 Randy Newmans assault you with a droll song about how crazy the world is. Make a willpower saving throw with a difficulty of You've Got a Friend In Me minus Lyle Lovett. If you fail you are instantly turned into a pillar of salt.
If you roll the same encounter twice you may opt to either accept the duplicate results or roll again on the table.
The most beautiful woman on all of Facebook is no longer just enchanting your Facebook feed. She's here, y'all!
These sponges will make your hair WHITE and your teeth CURLY.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.