It Came From The Lake!
Here there be monsters!Our fear of the unknown beasts that lurk within deep waters dates back to almost the beginning of recorded history, when Egyptians sailed the seven seas in search of whale meat. During their travels they sometimes encountered various "sea serpents", which in reality could be a simple school of dolphins or a giant kraken surfacing from the bottomless depths to assault their harpoon vessels. Many tales were written about such terrible beasts, many more were lost to the unforgiving passage of time. Some remain in circulation to this day, and it is these tales and newer tales of horrible sea monsters that are covered in a somewhat recent article from the highly reputable "X-Project".
Mrs. Darwin Johnson had a terrifying encounter with a strange creature while swimming in the Ohio River in Evansville, Indiana on 21 August 1955. Something with a claw-like hand under the water grabbed her knee. She struggled in vain as the thing dragged her underwater twice. She eventually fought off the unseen attacker with a friend's inner tub[sic]. The only evidence of Mrs. Johnson's ordeal were some scratches and a green palm print on her knee.
There are several accounts such as this. Now, as much as I don't want to criticize the insightful and hard-hitting journalism of "X-Project", I feel their piece is a bit lacking. I consider myself something of a paranormal investigator and, here at Something Awful, we take great pride in scooping the competition with unrivaled accuracy and analytical depth.
Refusing to be outdone by these upstarts at the X-Files or whatever, I jumped in the SA investigation van (my Toyota) and began interviewing eyewitnesses (bartenders) for their personal accounts (Rum and soda). Soon I was well on my way to piecing together several completely true stories about these absolutely real beasts of legend that lurk within our waterways, lakes, and oceans. What follows will chill you to the very bone, but my goal is not to terrify, but rather to inform and warn you. You must be prepared to deal with the horrors that lie beneath the seemingly placid waters in your town. Many of these encounters are of a violent and disturbing nature, so reader discretion is advised.
The Reef Cobra - Australia
Australia is a land of many legends about various aquatic monstrosities, but little known outside of the borders of Australia are the tales of the "Reef Cobra". Contradicting eyewitness reports state that the Reef Cobra is either 100 feet long and covered with "shimmering scales" or 10-20 feet in length and made out of solid metal. In 1992 French reporter Claude Quirot had a close encounter with the Reef Cobra. In his article for underground aboriginal porn magazine "Foncée la racine", Quirot wrote:"Its girth was immense, like the ring-gilded shafts of some of the more impressive warriors of the Xantu aborigines. It reared up from the shallows just above the reef and hissed at me in a most rococo manner and its gleaming eyes hypnotized me. The water glistened on those metal scales and I found myself drawn to it. I instinctively threw aside my camera and swam out to where the cobra waited for me. There I met it in a lusty embrace, and after a great and exhausting exchange of fluids, I passed into unconsciousness. I awoke at dawn, adrift in the placid waters, clutching a single metal scale I had pried from the cobra at the height of passion."I was personally unable to contact Quirot, but he is a well-regarded and reliable pornographer whose near-constant LSD hallucinations are easily separated from his perceptions of reality. The Reef Cobra is indeed an analog for the Succubus legends of medieval Europe, with the frightening side-note that it seems to be quite real.
The Beast of I-670 Drainage Culvert - USAOfficer Murrow remains the only person to survive an encounter with the beast.In Western Illinois the word "terror" is synonymous with "I-670" or "the bloody interstate". Stretching across the state from East to West, I-670 is one of the most violent and brutal roads anywhere in the world, and not because of traffic fatalities. No, it is said that on the Western end of I-670 a powerful and terrifying beast lurks within the often flooded drainage culvert along the highway.
There is only one confirmed case of the beast attacking travelers along the interstate, but a number of fatalities have been attributed to this monstrosity. The single confirmed report came in 1968, from Highway Patrol officer Dale Murrow. On June 17th, at 2:06 AM, he wrote in his incident report:"Got off late because the prostitutes were trying to pick up truckers again along the highway divider. Warned them about low flying aircraft and advised them to keep cool inside the hospitality ditches dug by the slave laborers. East bound on I-670 I spotted what seemed to be a crane's arm emerging from the drainage culvert and extending across to the West bound lanes. As I approached to warn the crane's operator about low flying aircraft and possibly cite him for reckless operation of construction equipment along a federally sanctioned Shriner's parade route, I recognized that it was not in fact a crane arm."Officer, arrest that squid! What a stumper!
"I realized this too late. A massive tentacle scooped up my prowler with me in it. I fired off three shots from 'Lucky Luke' through the roof of my patrol car, but the tentacle did not release my vehicle. When the subject was warned about low flying aircraft it responded by pulling my vehicle into the drainage culvert and constricting. I invited the tentacle to take advantage of a hospitality ditch to cool off in, but it did not comment. I then discharged all six cylinders of my revolver into a portion of the tentacle that was attempting to pull off my rear passenger-side door. I managed to recover my "Katzenjammer Kids" plush window-clinger before the door disappeared into screeching ape-faces that were forming on the surface of tentacle."
"At this point the car constricted sufficiently to cause me to lose consciousness. I awoke at 0700 hours to the rising sun. My car seemed muddy but undamaged and I was completely fine. My service revolver had been fired six-times as I remembered and the remains of a prostitute were found near my vehicle by EMS units. I can only assume that once my bullets were absorbed by the tentacle it somehow managed to redirect their kinetic energy and fire them at this poor woman. The tentacle also forcibly removed semen from my man basket and deposited it violently within her body. Although I cannot recall the details of this part of the incident."
Sassy the Swamp Serpent - USA
Frequently reported by locals and quite a tourist attraction, Sassy the Swamp Serpent is native to Scum Lake, Louisiana. Various reports are given as to the appearance of Sassy, but the common traits from any sighting include a barrel-like chest, the head of a catfish or other bottom-feeding animal, crayfish pincers AND human hands on the same arms, overalls, a straw hat, a banjo, laser beam eyes, and a back covered with live scorpions.
Sassy seems to be largely benevolent as most reports feature his lilting, sing-song voice drifting through the swamp. He is shy and reclusive but not overly hostile. However, aggressive tourists have sometimes hounded Sassy into taking action. In 1988 he supposedly severed a man's arm with one of his pincers and then hit the man in the face with his banjo before disappearing. In 1992 a game warden was accosted by Sassy when it is believed that the man stumbled onto Sassy's clutch of eggs. The man suffered third-degree burns over much of his face and his arms; wounds caused, according to him, by "the searing red light of that devil Sassy's hellish gaze".
Roy of the Deep - USA/MexicoOddly enough I found this crude rendering of "Roy of the Deep" on a clipart web site.Perhaps the strangest and most terrifying tale that was recounted to me was that of "Roy of the Deep", an unusual monstrosity who prowls the clear waters of the Gulf of Mexico. He has been sighted throughout the Texas pan-handle, Louisiana, and much of coastal Mexico. He wears an outdated three-piece suit and measures approximately six-feet in length, although he prefers to stand erect on his two legs, carrying a strange locked box of tanned animal hide in one hand. Roy creeps to unsuspecting homes and announces himself at the door. He immediately begins trying to sell the people within the house on buying a hat called "The Hat of Infertility". He claims that the "In" part of "Infertility" is a typo on his sales documentation and that the hat will actually provide a couple trying to conceive with more fertility than they can handle.
He will hard sell anyone living within the house on purchasing the hat. He will make constant lewd jokes about how fertile the hat will make the family. One witness claims Roy said "You will be so fertile if you sit on my hand you will get pregnant." It is difficult to dislodge Roy from your house if he is behaving aggressively. Even if you do manage to physically shove him out the door he will show up at your place of work the following day and continue to implore you to purchase his hat. No one who has encountered Roy of the Deep has ever been able to resist him until he capitulates and returns to the Gulf. They always buy his hat, which curses the household and hat bearer with incurable infertility, completely contrary to the claims made by the nefarious Roy of the Deep. The hat is fairly fetching, but unless you have no interest in propagating your species it is recommended you move immediately when assailed by Roy.
Makorev the Sailor Impaler - Russia
The ocean-going beast known as "Makorev" by the Russian and Ukrainian freighter crewman who have encountered her is one of the deadliest sea monsters of all. She appears to be a giant Paleolithic tortoise of some sort, only when she pulls her legs within her shell rocket thrusters emerge that can propel her massive bulk through the air. At times when she is flying she extends spikes through her shell and will intentionally collide with vessels, impaling sailors on her back and dragging them down below the water where it is presumed she feasts upon them. Many Slavic mariners whisper that it was Makorev, and not some accident, that sunk the submarine Kursk.
The Earl of the Horse Water Trough - USA
In 1806 Earl Lucius DeVane of Hungary was visiting the mid-western United States with the intent of purchasing land and possibly building a castle in Wisconsin. One fateful night DeVane had consumed a bit too much brandy and - in an effort to clear his mind - submerged his head in a horse's water trough. While his head was beneath the water's surface he passed out from inebriation. He subsequently drowned to death and his servants and family returned forlornly to Hungary.
The Earl's story does not end here. Since the mid-nineteenth century, travelers throughout rural Wisconsin have reported being attacked by a mysterious man garbed in finery who emerges blue-lipped from the water troughs of horses. He first attracts victims by regaling them with tales of old-Europe and his plans to construct a majestic castle in Wisconsin. When the victim draws near he cuffs them soundly on the ears with both hands and attempts to slap them about the face while screaming in a foreign tongue. In 1953 an intrepid explorer of the Wisconsin wild lands by the name of James "James" Carlsbad (he went on to dig the Carlsbad Caverns) wrote in his journal of a harrowing encounter with the spectral Earl."The barn seemed to be abandoned, so I parked my car there in the hopes of getting a few hours of sleep before setting out again across the Green Bay flats, which were rumored to be populated by several barbarian clans. No sooner had I begun to drift off to sleep when I was awakened by an unearthly glow emanating from a rusty watering trough near the barn's entrance. Much to my surprise a finely-garbed gentlemen emerged, dripping and glowing, from the trough. He spoke to me in a deep voice tinged with a strange accent about a wondrous castle he was to build. I drew near and he began to slap me in my face and ears with his sopping wet hands. I cried out and ran back to the car for the sword I carry with me. When I turned back to engage him he had disappeared."Simply horrible!
Believe it or not, there were some even scarier stories told to me by eyewitnesses, but they could not be verified. Be glad, believe me, because some of the shit that supposedly went down would curdle the blood of a mortuary worker. Look how shitty your little monsters look compared to ours X-Project Code: X or whatever you guys are called! Ours rule this school!
Super Duper Halloween Fireman Comic!
Those crazy firemen are up to their usual tricks, only this time it's Halloween. Find out what the good word is on the Fireman Comics web site!
Oh my gosh that pie is crazy! It's insatiable! If this is your first encounter with Fireman Comics, why not bump into some more on the Fireman Comics site?
Do you wish to know what computers will be doing in the year to come? With a sigh I shall exert the minimal effort it takes to reveal all. Feel free to print out these predictions and share them with your friends via fax.
Old mixed signals feeling a little stale? Try some new ones!
day 2: still working on the car
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.