By The X-Com: Enforcer Team

Asked: $750,000

The original team behind 2001's action-FPS have reunited to bring you all of the fast-paced alien-blasting you could ever want. Currently rated 8.3 on Metacritic by gamers, X-Com: Enforcer launched the X-Com franchise in an exciting new direction. People keep playing knockoff X-Com games, inferior copies, and wondering why they can't just have that good X-Com fun that they loved. We're here to offer an authentic X-Com title, exactly like the original Enforcer game updated for modern platforms.


By Tucker Cheney

Asked: $100,000

Hi this is a repost of my kickstarter "I Want to Hunt a Baby Elephant" that was not fully funded. I wanted to repost and clarify: I am only interested in doing this legally. I don't have any respect for elephants, I think they are arrogant, but I am not asking to fund a poaching expedition. To this end I have dropped the amount I am asking and I have looked into it and I can buy a baby elephant for 100k as long as I claim my back yard is a zoo. I will tie a baby elephant up to my clothesline in the back and I will kill it. I don't know how yet. Maybe all the people who contribute at least $1,000 will get to vote on a selection of weapons. I think I'd like to blast it with a sawed off shotgun. Don't worry this will be an orphaned baby elephant so his mom won't care.


By Fontanelle Bacigalupi

Asked: $20,000

My dog recently died and was brought back to life by a miracle. He experienced the reality of the afterlife as told in the Bible. He saw deceased friends, lost toys and he got to run in a big cloud-wrapped field. He told it all to me in a dream and I am willing to tell his story in a book and speak at churches. Also I am available to give talks to kids about not feeding your dog eight pounds of roast beef and what a mess he will make when he dies and suddenly comes back to life with eight pounds of roast beef packed into him. I will pray for everyone who donates. Thank you and god bless.

*****


– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.

  • Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'

Copyright ©2015 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.