By Tonotan

Asked: $7,500

I want to be a toilet man. I don't know a lot about toilets but I think I have enough pipes to start on this project, just need glue and a graphic designer. I will make myself into a toilet and be in public places for people to use. I like people and I am very friendly. Do a shit on me and in me. This face is the right place for your urine trough. I would like to be a toilet and if that is not possible I would like to be dead. Thank you for funding my project.

By Keven Stivins

Asked: $20,000

Ever wanted to shoot a fireman? This realistic tactical simulator makes your dreams come true as you seek to tear down the fascist system that controls our oppressive society. Watch the foundation crumble as you murder the servants of the state with machine guns, grenades and, of course, fire. Includes Four maps "FIRE HOUSE SLAUGHTER," "FIVE ALARM MASSACRE," "MY HOUSE," based on my real house, and "REVENGE OF FIRE." Working on the website now I need someone experienced with 3D computer games, someone who can read to me, a woman who is beautiful and dislikes firemen and would never cheat on me with a fireman, and a driver to take me around town with my woman. Thanks for reading.


By Angela81

Asked: $50,000

When I was engaged I got pregnant (but miscarried) and my husband was out of work at the time we were married so we went to the Ozarks for our honeymoon. I had my miscarriage in the bathroom of a Flying J and the baby was so big for ten weeks that we had to call the police. It was covered with hair and had black, devil eyes so I am pretty sure I was going to be the devil's mother. Since then I haven't enjoyed a vacation because all I can think about is that baby in the Flying J toilet. It had a little monkey face. We went to Vegas but it wasn't fun because of that. I would like to go to Paris.

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

  • SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.