Colton Age 11 Telling Quote: Who is a role model for you? "Pretty much a werewolf." Why: Dimwitted football cowboy Colton may not be the fattest of the kids, but he has that dull corn-fed look of someone unable to control a critical bodily function. He is also the Most Likely to Crap His Pants Because He Held It Too Long Because He Was Having Too Much Fun Hammering Nails Randomly Into a Board to Stop and Go to the Bathroom. His parents probably steer him clear of candy under their roof, but with unlimited access to the goofballs he'll be on a fast track to an obstructed airway. How: A handful of Whoppers and too much time away from his Adderall will leave Colton too excited to bother with something as mundane as chewing. His only chance for survival is Anjay who, like all Indians, inherited advanced medical skills from his overbearing father. If Nathan hasn't confined Anjay to the sweatbox then Colton has a 50/50 shot at survival.
Markelle Age 12 Telling Quote: "God don't like ugly. Ha, ha, ha." Why: A gay black kid with beliefs almost the polar opposite of supreme chancellor Nathan is sure to run afoul of one of the emperor's pogroms. He seems opinionated enough that he won't sit back and take any abuse. I expect him to organize a popular resistance movement against Nathan. When he's revealed as the mastermind he'll take his fight underground, living in the barren wastes surrounding Kid Nation and liberating supplies when needed. How: Before a political dynamic has been fully established Markelle will become close friends with a number of the girls of Kid Nation. Those who don't find his love of Broadway and liberalism repellent will join him when the inevitable rift forms between Nathan and his ruling class and the plebes of Kid Nation. Markelle will speak out against Nathan, then be driven to silence, and ultimately to become what Nathan fears most: a terrorist. He will resort to kidnapping, torture, and eventually murder in an effort to destabilize Nathan's junta.
You've heard of #BlackLivesMatter and #AllLivesMatter, but the ancient voice of a mountain offers us the hardest truth of all: #NoLivesMatter. And also some opinions about immigrants.
The ISIS head of propaganda holds a brainstorming session with his top men to come up with new viral videos.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.