All Kidz Newz articles were written by the students of Mrs. Anthony's Grade 3 Class at Woodrow Elementary in Chicago's west suburbs. Grownups, get out! This newz is for kidz and by kidz!
REPUBLICEMS SAY NOPE! TO CAR BAIL OUT by Andrew Vasser
Republicems voted against the demolcrats in congress. The demolcrats wanted to pay a whole bunch of money to the car people to still make cars. The republicems believe in little government. They voted to keep the money and not give it to the car people.
The reason they voted against the car people is because the cars are stupid. They make big cars and green cars and everyone wants little red cars. The cars were not fast enough. The car people said they could make their cars purple and smaller and faster but the republicems said not fast enough boyo.
Daddy said we shouldnt give any money to anybody. He said it is survival of the fittest. He likes to yell get a job at the people who sit on the sidewalk. One time a lady tried to get him to give her a quarter and he slapped her cup onto the ground. My daddy works for grandpas investment firm he does short selling naked.
He took me to work one time and all he did was read the internet all day and then a lady brought us chinese food.
DOWN JONES IS DOWN AGAIN by Kacy Jones
Down Jones is a good name for it because it keeps going down! It's a monster made out of money. My dad said it is crashing and then he says bad words.
Yesterday he said a lot of bad words and he threw part of his computer at the wall.
My last name is Jones. I am not named after Down Jones I am named after my grandpa. His name is Grandpa Jones.
Grandpa lives in bowling brook. Down Jones lives in New York and daddy says it is where all the Jews get together to do a bad word in everyone's butt. Only dad uses a bad word for butt I can't say here.
He said he's real mad at the Layman brothers. I don't know if there Jews.
DADDIES AND MOMMIES GET MORE FREE TIME FOR THEIR KIDS by Jason Corn
Lots and lots of daddies and mommies get to stay home all day and hug their kids and play board games with them said American Bank today. A spokes man says "they can stay home as long as they want and take naps and wear pajamas all over" and then he said "it's gonna be great!"
American Bank is just the latest to let mommies and daddies take a load off. Last week the three factories by my house said 25,000 people could go home and take time off. Mommy says she thinks she is going to get to spend every day with me soon. It is going to be neat!
My mommy and daddy aren't together anymore. My mommy says my daddy could spend all the time with me he wants now that he is not selling cars. I like cars and I like my daddy! Mommy says he's too busy drinking.
He should come spend time with me! I have fruit by the foots and he can have as many of my juice boxes to drink as he wants!
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.