This is an electronically scanned image of a photograph of myself cheering after a particularly heated court case. It was 108 degrees in there and I will swear by this.
Greetings folks and fans alike, your old buddy Leonard "J." Crabs is here once again to share the inner and outer workings of the legal system as if it was one of those precious little poodles they slice in half to show aspiring medical students where the dog's "doo doo gland" is located. You have undoubtedly heard of my esteemed reputation as a lawyer who "gets the job done," even if it requires me to "stab the circuit court judge in the eye." If you have not been exposed to my prestigious name and history, then you are either dead or you will become dead shortly. Our legal system is a lot like killing somebody; one minute you're innocent (living), and the next moment you're found guilty (dead, possibly murdered by a Spaniard). I just thought of that analogy now and will write it down just as soon as I find my lucky pen and Big Chief Notebook. As you may note, our legal system resembles both a poodle cut in half and a dead person, so you should know I am absolutely serious when I claim somebody once mentioned my name in the same sentence as "(somebody who) can get (the job) done." Dead serious.
I have not been able to update my award-winning website in quite some time because my legal dish has been full of Kibbles and Bits of Justice. Many people approach me in the street and ask, "Leonard 'J.' Crabs, when will you update your award-winning website?" and I cryptically reply, "whenever the winds of legal peril threaten to blow down our lighthouse of justice." That is my cue to throw down a smoke bomb and disappear while laughing maniacally. On a related note, do not use "Gordon County Brand Smokebombs" because I detonated one of those the other day after my impromptu speech at Harvard University entitled, "Why I'm Not In Jail" and my pants caught fire. I kindly explained the various shortcomings of Gordon County Brand Smokebombs to the Police officer who seemed fit to question me on my pantless journey home, yet he felt it was necessary to harass me like a common, two-bit Spaniard. Once I informed him that I was the world famous trial lawyer and sometimes rope salesman Leonard "J." Crabs, his mood instantly changed. I could see the awe and reverence in his eyes as he apologized with, "I'm sorry Mr. Crabs, I wasn't aware it was you, I'm just not used to seeing pictures of you without pants." I let him off the hook because I believe bygones should be bygones and after all, the Police officer was merely just a street sign which I had spent the last three hours talking to in a hallucinatory state due to prolonged exposure inside my "Legal Burning Tire Smoke and Acid Storage Lawyer Barn." If I had a decent smoke bomb, I would detonate it right this moment and use my horrible black magic teleportation skill to return to my homeland of the McPherson County Drive-In Movie Theater and Hazardous Waste Storage Center.
But enough about me, kind readers; let's talk about my recent court victories and uncanny ability to mold and shape the legal system into a clay dinosaur which is so powerful it could crush you between its mighty jaws before you have a chance to shout "I object!" I have used these clay dinosaurs to win a series of court cases ranging from "The City of Newark vs. James Henderson and His Slum House Infested With 10,000 Cats" to "Ed Garner vs. Ted Garner" which revolved around two Siamese twins joined at the hip suing each other for custody of their middle, gnarled hand. I remember that case as if it happened yesterday, which coincidentally I don't remember either. I have been on a constant legal winning streak for the past 18 months thanks to my prolific legal experience and trademark unexpected courtroom tactics such as the "snake in the Bible" trick which rendered a key witness dead during the swearing-in procedure. The look on his face was priceless, much like the look of a man who is dead after being bitten by a poisonous snake concealed inside a hollowed-out Bible.
I solved the perplexing Mystery Of The Murdered Momma's Man; it turned out the paperboy committed this heinous act! Did I mention that I solve mysteries in my spare time? Well I do, and this particular mystery I solved just happened to be conveniently located at a place which performs dinner theater!
Now all you aspiring lawyers and major league catchers out there are undoubtedly asking yourselves, "but Leonard, how can I become a legal wizard like yourself?" Well first off, you may purchase a cloned sample of my DNA off of eBay, although I seem to have misplaced the URL to this auction somewhere in my laundry room / kitchen / bedroom / grain silo. Secondly, I can't overstate how important reading copious amounts of legal text and research is to your lawyering success. Actually, wait, I think I can overstate it. Reading legal books and pamphlets are completely worthless. I have not read any legal reviews in the past 29 years and never once encountered a single situation where reading anything could possibly help me in any fashion whatsoever. Do yourself a favor and stay illiterate because that way you will not have to depend on the inane scrawlings and legal mumbo jumbo booky hooky crap that others write for you. You are your own man and should depend solely on your wit and intellect, just like I did when I trapped myself inside a crude pit I was digging in the creek to bury myself once I died.
However, if you are currently reading this wonderful article, the chances are pretty good that you are not currently illiterate. This may somehow work out for you, as I'm about to imbibe some legal information into your willing mouths! I forgot what "imbibe" means, but I'm fairly sure it means "ejaculate." I have amassed the following legal tips and tricks from the last dozen or so court cases I found myself involved in, usually as a lawyer. Write these gems of knowledge down on a Big Chief Tablet and cherish them forever because the Internet (as I have been told) is simply a stream of ones and zeroes and these tiny numbers could fall out of the back of your Compaq computer and render my advise worthless. I am no computer expert, but I would recommend purchasing a tube of caulking and squirting it into the back grate-area-thing of your Compaq computer so the numbers may not escape. This may possibly void the warranty but warranties are never legally binding and are simply included so when you are yelling at the manufacturer and they ask "did you read the warranty?" you can respond with "hell yes I did!" and then you can claim the warranty said the company will pay you a million dollars if their product functions improperly after being filled with caulking. While I have never seen anybody successfully win a court case by using this defense, I must admit that these cases are terribly exciting for me to watch through the open windows as I perch above a precariously balanced trashcan in the alley to see inside the courtroom. Sometimes I hold up signs rooting for the defendant, pennants which read colorful and amusing slogans such as "NEW YORK METS" and "NEW YORK MEPS." I received the latter sign half off, which is one heck of a deal no matter how you look at it. Speaking of deals, let us proceed to my aforementioned legal tips:
It is important to take notes during a trial. For example, this is the page containing all my notes from my last trial, which I think was about murder or perhaps burglary.
If you are defending a client whom you know is guilty, take the offensive and surprise the plaintiff with wry and unexpected moves. Lawyering is like a chess game; you'll lose if you try to eat any of the pieces. When I was defending a previous client (whom I shall refer to as "John Doe" to conceal Alan Marlon's identity) against charges of vandalizing a hospital by using Gatorade jugs of his own urine to scrawl "JESUS IS PAINT" on the walls, I initially convinced the jury that my client was being charged with murder, first degree arson, and grand theft auto. The opposing legal guy, whose name slips my mind at the time, told the jury "(Leonard's) client is not on trial for committing murder, first degree arson, or grand theft auto!" to which I replied, "exactly, and that's why he shouldn't be tried for vandalism as well!" Checkmate, opposing legal guy!
Before walking into the courtroom, make sure you know which judge is overseeing your case and if they have any weaknesses you may exploit. For example, some judges can be defeated by shooting a series of missiles into their mouth once they open it for a brief second. Of course this will naturally make the judge change to a reddish hue and begin violently moving back and forth in a horizontal pattern, but this is what's know in the legal circle as "Squid Pro Bowl" which is Latin for something about whores I believe.
Do not attempt to defend a client while riding a motorbike. This seems to aggravate both the judge and jury, even when you say "watch this, I'll pop a wheelie" and you proceed to fall off the back of the bike, crashing it into a door and knocking off all the ceramic pig figurines the judge had on his big wooden desk thing.
If you think you're invisible during a court case, you are probably not. I had to write that advice down on notecards so I would never forget it.
Routinely call witnesses who are dead to testify. When the opposing legal guy claims, "your honor, that witness has been dead for years!" you can reply, "well I see you're trying to cover up the truth by not allowing Winston Churchill speak on my client's behalf and clear his name." Always call for Winston Churchill because that really makes your client look innocent; I'm not exactly sure who Mr. Churchill is, but I read his name on the back of a napkin I found at Denny's so he is obviously somebody very important.
If you're defending a client against "big business" such as McDonalds or that Taiwanese company which manufactures plastic squirty flowers, make sure to tie them up in plenty of red tape. If possible, tie them with red tape to a wooden chair in your basement and beat them with a hammer until they agree to drop all charges faster than a poolboy's pants at a Spanish wedding.
In the rare event that you actually lose a case, be sure to challenge the judge and opposing legal guy to a series of physical challenges, some of which include sliding down a tube coated in what appears to be tapioca but is actually something much, much worse.
Whew! That was sure a long and exhaustive series of keys that I manually pressed on my keymachine attached to my Compaq! I would go into further detail regarding my recent course cases which include such famous trials as "The People of King County vs. Donkey Kong" and that one case which I can't currently recall due to my limited memory and twitching left eye that has a tendency to act up whenever I'm near sources of radiation or human beings. I hope you have found my column to be useful, and I cannot wait until I imbibe you with further information during your sleep!
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"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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