Well, hello everyone! In last week's update, you may recall that I poked fun at overweight people a little bit. It turns out I got some folks mad, and received some angry e-mails from irate chubby AOL users. Although I responded to all these e-mails with hurtful fat jokes and pictures of delightful creamy cakes, deep inside I was really sorry about my callous attitude towards tubbies. So sorry in fact, that I've decided to devote my life (or at least a few weekends when I don't have community service for drunk driving) to helping people of a large stature get healthy. Not only am I motivated by my remorse at the insensitive way I've acted, but also the fact that 64% of Americans are now overweight and the number is growing. Since the fatties will be running the whole show soon, it would be best to stay on their good side so I won't be put in a death camp with the rest of my skinny brethren once their takeover is complete.
The lucky person I've picked to help out is a large gentleman named Freddie. He wrote me an e-mail disagreeing with my negative view about large people. After a few e-mails back and forth, he helped enlighten me about the hardships of being a big person, and the faults of diets and fitness plans. Dr. Atkins was close to cracking the weight loss mystery, but alas was slain by a patch of icy pavement this week, leaving the the weight loss question in limbo. It really made me think, so much so that I had trouble sleeping at night. I had so much trouble sleeping that I went out to the barn to build a killer robot army to destroy the world. When that failed, I started to come up with my own plan for losing weight that is destined to take America by storm! I wrote Freddy about it, and he naturally agreed to be my test subject for this exciting project. We got started right away, keeping a detailed log of the entire process for scientific and, hopefully, historical records of my new weight loss program I like to call "Frolixo's Fitness Fantasy Camp". Enjoy!
Freddie is ready for action! Day 1, Monday
Weight: 348 lbs
Health Status: Fat but in good spirits
I arrived at Freddie's house at 5:30 a.m. ready to start the program. I had to repeatedly ring his doorbell and knock on his windows to rouse him from his cookie laden slumber. He was confused as to why I showed up so early since I said I was going to come over at 9:00 a.m., so I informed Freddie that rules are subject to change if I see it will benefit the fitness experiment. After the misunderstanding was cleared up, I had him sign all the legally binding contracts, and popped in the orientation tape that I had made the night before in my basement. Unfortunately the VCR started eating the tape, so I hit it with my shoe until the tape popped out, but then the VCR caught on fire so I threw it out the window into the pool. I really should have opened the window first because glass got everywhere and Freddie started crying. These things happen I guess.
Once I settled Freddie down, we went through his pantry and refrigerator to get rid of anything that might be considered unhealthy. All the sweet rolls, ice cream, chocolate doodles, and lard pies were tossed in the garbage. Freddie couldn't stand to watch the food holocaust, and had to step outside for a few moments to compose himself. I restocked his food supply with rice cakes, salad, and cans of fresh air. After that was complete, it was time to start the physical training.
Let me state for the record that Freddie is a real go-getter, and I'm proud to be working with him. Although he basically failed all my exercises, he would not give up, and gave 110% real "eye of the tiger" attitude. We did a 3 mile jog, 100 sit ups, 200 jumping jacks, a rope climb, weight lifting, and 20 laps in the pool. After Freddie passed out during the last swim lap, I dragged his large body out of the pool and called 911. The ambulance workers arrived quickly and restarted Freddie's heart on the second jolt. They said he shouldn't be putting this much strain on his heart, but what do they know? That's what I call being an "enabler" - rationalizing people's problems with "explanations", and "blood pressure cuffs".. After the first successful day, we sat down for a late dinner of rice cakes and air, and got some sleep for the next day that was going to be much more rigorous.
Day 2, Tuesday
Weight: 347 lbs
Health Status: Fat and sore, but making progress
Ready for another day of fitness fun, I arrived at Freddie's house at 4:30 a.m. to get an early start on the day's exercises. Strangely, he was not very happy to see me and asked if he could have another few hours to sleep because his heart still hurt. "Nonsense!" I shouted at him, pulling him out of bed by his large belly. He reluctantly got dressed as I prepared the morning meal of carrot shavings and turnip juice. When he asked if he could have some dumplings or apple fritters, I hit him in the face with my shoe. Now I know some of you people think that is harsh and unnecessary, but it is all a psychological game of conditioning. If he starts associating unhealthy food with getting hit with a shoe, then he will associate negative thoughts to the said foods. I know what I'm doing.
The day's exercises started at 5:15 a.m. with a brisk jog around the block. I could see right away that we were going to have trouble today because Freddie had to keep stopping every 20 feet to catch his breath and clutch his chest. This was unacceptable since resting was forbidden in Frolixo's Fitness Fantasy Camp, so I installed my "Exercise Motivator". This consisted of an electrode placed on the subject's neck and groin that can deliver a small shock via remote control. After the Exercise Motivator was enacted and used quite often, Freddie's pace was steady and we completed the jog. It's when we got back to his house that he dropped the bombshell: he was sick and tired of the program already and wanted to quit. I was very taken aback since I had the impression we were doing good work and he was making progress. We talked about it for a little bit over some rice cakes, and I showed him the legal documents I had SA's legal guru, Leonard Crabs, make that Freddie signed the day before. Legally he must finish the 5 day weight loss program or his house and first born are forfeit to myself and Leonard. Reluctantly, he agreed to continue and we went back to the day's workout of him running around the backyard while I sprayed him with a hose on his bum, using the Exercise Motivator if he fell down. It was a blast!
Freddie is motivated with an electric shock to his neck and groin! Day 3, Wednesday
Weight: 350 lbs
Health Status: Bloated and unhappy
Scandal! At the weigh-in this morning, Freddie was 3 lbs overweight. I was terribly upset and demanded to know what had caused this huge setback in the fitness program. He would not say, but after a quick search of the house I found a hidden cache of cupcakes! I was so upset and angry that I began hitting Freddie with my shoe, but then the most shocking thing happened! Freddie took off his own shoe and started hitting me! Here I am trying to help this poor fat fellow in my spare time and this is the thanks I get? After a vicious shoe battle between us, things settled down a bit and we ended up apologizing to each other and watching "The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" together. Tears were shed, lessons were learned, and friendship was rebuilt. We continued with the fitness program.
Today's regimen of work consisted of vigorous digging. This was done in my backyard where I happened to be planning for an in-ground pool, yet lacked the sufficient funds to do so. Freddie did a great job, and I was really proud of him after the grueling 8 hour session of digging that not only helped him lose weight, but saved me from hiring a couple of illegal aliens.
Day 4, Thursday
Weight: 345 lbs
Health Status: Damaged
Today was disastrous. Everything started ok, and we were really happy because yesterday's pool digging work caused Freddie to lose 5 lbs. We started with some more pool digging, and then moved on sit ups, then calesthenics. We even took a time-out to lay on the grass and soak up some rays, talking about popular music from the 80's. As we were chatting about Duran Duran, a snotling on a skateboard went by and shouted "Hey! Watch out mister - that land whale is gonna eat you!". Normally Freddie would just lower his head and take the insult, but together we chased down the little brat, knocked him off his skateboard, the beat him unconscious with our shoes. Freddie said he had never felt so empowered.
It was turning out to be a great day, and I felt that Frolixo's Fitness Fantasy Camp was really hitting its stride. That's when decided to hook Freddie up to my Explorer in a jogging harness. I went about 5 m.p.h down suburban roads with him jogging behind at a good pace. If he started lagging a little, the SUV would give him a gentle tug and help him along. Suddenly I got a really strong craving for some White Castle hamburgers with a side of deep fried clams. So I slammed on the gas and headed towards the closest White Castle paying no heed to the random thuds and screams. As I turned the corner going 60 MPH, I looked in my rear view mirror and saw to my horror Freddie being dragged over potholes, crashing into a picket fence, and impaling himself on a garden gnome! I had totally forgotten about him! After stopping at White Castle, I dragged him straight to the emergency room. The verdict was 2 broken legs, a shattered spine, a punctured lung, and a concussion. I got 5 hamburgers, clams, fries, and a large Diet Coke.
Poor Freddie! Day 5, Friday
Weight: 322 lbs
Health Status: Coma
Well there's good news and bad news. The good news is that Freddie lost 25 lbs! The bad news is that he is in the intensive care unit and can only eat through a straw. Despite this horrible setback to the fitness program, I still showed up at our regular time and popped in a educational video about the truth behind Subway's lies, and the deceit of Jared. Freddie kept nodding off during the film so I was forced to use my Exercise Motivator to keep him awake, but then the fascist doctor kicked me out for being a disturbance! These are the kind of people that keep people like Freddie from getting healthy. Well anyway, I said my goodbyes and took $300 out of his wallet as payment for the Frolixo's Fitness Fantasy Camp.
Total Weight Lost During Program: 26 lbs
Status of Program: Success!
Viewing hours are from 10 a.m.-6 p.m.Well, I sure had fun this week! I had a chance to give back to the community, and it wasn't even a court order! You know, we really should take care of our bodies, because in the end, that's all we really have, and if you are a bloated sack of fudge, you can't do all the things you really want to do like skydiving or break dancing. The point I'm trying to make is, you gotta feel the burn, give 110%, and soar like you've never soared before like a giant golden eagle that lays golden eggs full of gold coins that have chocolate inside. I know Freddie has, and at his wake today, that's exactly what I plan to say. Leonard Crabs will be accompanying me for legal reasons, and the free buffet of course. So remember to stay fit, stay in school, and say no to drugs!
Also, Greasnin is the the worst person ever and I pray for his demise nightly, and at brunch.
State Og Fever: It's Contagious! And Itchy!
Hiya folks, Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell here again, to the delight of all readers who are my family members. The boys at State Og have been cooking up something special for you this past week. Unfortunately, we were literally cooking, and as of right now there is no efficient way to transmit chili across the internet. Unperturbed by this turn of events, we threw an update together at the last minute for you.
Have you ever brought your newborn child back from the nursery only to discover that the child is actually somebody else's? Was your beautiful baby scuffed and marred by careless baby handling practices? Statistics have shown that baby switching and baby damage due to improper handling are on the rise in hospitals all over the world, leading to endless anguish and bad TV movies, and giving people no other option but to toss the bad baby into the trash. Thankfully, State Og is rolling out their brand new Baby Processing Factory so these disasters need never happen again!
If that doesn't whet your appetite, then I don't know what could. Well, some of that chili might. I mean, that stuff is really great. Try and forget about the chili for a moment though, and go read State Og!
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.