It's a very exhilarating time at State Og, as we've got some really terrific projects lined up for the coming months. I haven't been this excited since the great time shift of 1884, and that hasn't even happened yet! Special thanks this week go to: Tom "Smoking Dragon" Clancy and Don "Motorcycle" Jolly.
State Og To Create The First Real Life Sims
In conjunction with Maxis Entertainment and StateOg’s cybernetics division we are pleased to offer the world’s first real life The Sims service! You’ll ACTUALLY be able to play God from the comfort of your home computer with real live men and women we “borrowed” from homeless shelters. Mind control chips will be implanted in the base of their skulls to ensure their complete obedience. Your HoboSim® will respond to your every command just like in the video game, from telling them to get up in the morning to forcing them to wet themselves for your own twisted sense of humor! Teach your hobo important life skills like basic hygiene, panhandling, and stealing pennies from Leave-A-Penny trays in gas stations!
Each HoboSim® will live in a premanufactured adobe block home located on StateOg’s The Sims/Hazardous Waste Adventure Island and will be wired to the max with hidden cameras for a seamless interface with the players. Players will have a multitude of career path options for their sim including sweatshop worker, hazardous materials taste tester, general slave worker, professional organ farm and many more! With the MegaFunBucks you earn you can upgrade your sim’s home with heating and electricity or buy stuff like soiled mattresses and disease ridden blankets!
Be sure to preorder today!
A Notice To All Employees
Over the last few weeks, reports of sexual harassment in all our offices have nearly tripled. While this trend is disturbing, it has prompted an even more disturbing trend – poorly written complaint forms. We would like to remind everybody that sexual harassment complaint forms are headed by this text : “Please Explain the Incident in the AS MUCH DETAIL AS POSSIBLE.” (Emphasis mine.)
Some of the complaints have just been depressing, and have all but live up to the prompt. Let’s take a look at this sorry example :
I was making coffee when Derek, my manager, slipped up behind me, planted his hands on my buttocks and asked “if he could get off at the exit to the chocolate tunnel.”
Not only is event described too loosely to inspire any action, the language is sterile and boring. Let’s see how it should have been written.
I poured myself a hot mug of coffee. I could hear the click of Derek’s feet on the floor behind me. Instantly, my pussy experienced climactic climate change – becoming as hot and as wet as a slip-n-slide left sweltering after a baptism of exposed boyflesh. His masculine hands wrapped around my hot ass. I wanted him. “Fuck me, Derek!” I moaned, exposing my ample bust to the chill office air…
That’s more like it! If you can’t see the difference, here’s a handy list of Dos and Don’ts for writing out your complaints :
+ Talk dirty.
+ Get into it.
+ Give measurements, and describe yourself – if you are of normal weight and attractive.
+ Include gang-bangs whenever possible.
+ “Warm us up” with a tasteful masturbation sequence.
+Use sterile, impartial language.
+ Pretend you weren’t totally turned on. The Japanese agree – rape is sexy!
+ Omit embarrassing or disgusting details.
+ Keep it short.
That’s not so hard is it? Hopefully once this issue is resolved, we can begin eradicating the sexual harassment issue entirely.
Your HR Staff
PS – Julie Hogarth from Accounting, I want to beat off in your hair and fashion the clumps into cheesecloth ghosts for All Hallows. Come to my office for details.- State Og Representative
Sleeping with AC is at this point a basic human right. But if you're one of the doomed souls forced to deal with global warming on a nightly basis, here's an hourly breakdown on how to get the most out of your inferno hellscape of a bedroom.
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We're spelunking through the movie catacombs this week. Join us, won't you?
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!