Dear Magneto,

My boyfriend just can't keep our dates. We'll agree to Thursday at 8, but I'll get a text from him that afternoon saying "Got an early thing tomorrow, can we reschedule?" Once or twice is fine, but I'm starting to think I'm not a priority. What should I do?

-Ignored in Iowa

Dear Human Scum,

How on earth did you obtain this communication frequency? I am Magneto, Master of Magnetism! I've no time for the petty problems of human chattel. Once Mutants have taken their rightful place atop the evolutionary ladder, a fickle boy-friend will be the least of your problems! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Dear Magneto,

Like a lot of college grads, I'm unemployed & living with my parents. I graduated near the top of my class, but I just can't seem to find a full-time job. Any advice?

-Down in Denver

Dear Filthy Homosapien Swine In Denver,

Where the devil are these communiques emanating from? Did someone post this frequency on your pathetic human Face Book, which is far inferior to my amazing mutant Face Book? I ORDER you to cease this transmission, go outside, and try and make some new friends. The bigger your network, the more opportunities you'll hear about. Cheer up, human - its not like you're a slave in my vibranium mines...YET! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Dear Magneto,

I'm looking to slay as many humans as possible, for the greater glory of the mutant race! Unfortunately I suffer from a crippling social anxiety. Can you provide tips to keep my nervousness at bay?

-Awkward in Akron

Dear Fellow Mutant Rights Activist,

Finally, a normal question! Why not take a few deep breaths before deploying your terrifying powers on an unsuspecting populace? Or imagine them all in their underwear, but exterminated? Try slaying a few of the fatter, slower humans first, to build confidence. Before you know it, you'll be a chip-off-the-ol'-purple-helmet-that-nullifies-psychic-attack.

Dear Chrome Dome,

Hey, I got a problem for ya: my claws are achin' fer a fight. What's say we knock off all this jabberin' and dance, 'ey Maggie?

-Wolverine in Westchester

Dear Insolent Whelp,

Ah, clever...perhaps too clever, X-Man! For you see, your message has given me your exact location. And soon, I will have my revenge on...WHAT?!? INCOMING X-JET?!? Oh no...their "Beast" must have reversed my trace! Well, no matter. If it's a fight they want, they shall have it. Sabretooth, Mystique, Juggernaut, Toad! Hit the X-Men head on, while I escape! Ugh, this hallway is super long. Ah yes, my precious escape pod. And now to...WHAAAAAAATTT?!?!? Wolverine, in my escape pod?!? Have at you! No...Cyclops, Storm, Rogue, putting aside their differences to work as a team!!! Ahhhhh I'm finished!!!

That's all she wrote, Mag-heads! Don't forget to send in your questions by pointing your ham radio to the sky and yelling at Magneto until he answers. See you next week!

– Magneto, Master of Magnetism (@asterios)

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