Tanks are only one reason to be a fan of World War II, there are also things like airplanes and rifles!I am a huge fan of the Second World War. By fan I don't mean that I have pennants up in my bedroom that say "GO WWII!!" I mean that I have a voracious appetite for all things related to the war, particularly the European Theater. For years I have read almost any book about the war I could get my hands on, thanks to the History channel I have seen ever frame of documentary footage from the war, and I have watched so many WWII movies that I could shot-for-shot recreate almost any major battle. It's sort of like a little kid's fascination with construction equipment only boldly updated to "destruction" and made "an adult hobby" by adding in the word "history".

Of course all of this knowledge about World War II is basically useless, the most I've ever done with it is write a few short stories with the war as the backdrop and publishers aren't exactly clamoring for short historical fiction. No, the big market these days is in alternate history fiction. What if the Nazis had won the war? What if aliens invaded earth during the battle for Stalingrad? What if Japan had developed Transformer technology in the 1940's instead of the 1980's, would Megatron have lead them to victory? All of these hypothetical questions are answered in the form of novels with the exception of the last, which I think I saw answered in some Internet fan fiction where Megatron had sex with Optimus Prime. This is where I need to focus all of this untapped World War II knowledge; I need to write a novel that completely invalidates the gravity of the war.

Fed up with this exhausting "write for a web site three times a week" workaday world, I decided that it would be in my best interest to branch out into the realm of alternate World War II history fiction. Before I started brainstorming plots I read more than ten novels by authors ranging from the idiotic (Harry Turtledove) to the overly dry (Robert Harris) so that I could get down the rules to writing in that particular genre. You see, every literary genre, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, has a large number of concrete rules you must follow or some sort of genre police will teleport into your room and jam your computer keyboard up your ass without any lubrication other than harsh words about grammar. Fearing keyboard ass insertion I took careful note of the techniques my fellow wordsmiths were using.

The Rules of World War II alternate history fiction

One of the sides that actually lost the war ends up winning the war and/or some sort of third side enters the pictures and attacks both sides but is ultimately defeated.

Despite the rapid innovations in technology that took place during World War II, in alternate World War II technology will advance even more rapidly until someone is shooting a laser.

Never make Hitler a main character. His legacy is so terrible and alternate history writers are such huge pussies that they are afraid to make Hitler a character. Anyone else, even people who did worse things than Hitler but are less widely known, can be characters.

Don't worry about the facts surrounding World War II, it's the general idea of the war that's important. Get around factual nit-pickers by having the history deviate very early on. Who is going to criticize you not knowing which one of the Allies was involved in a particular battle when the entire Western hemisphere has become a part of the Smegosaurian Galactic Imperium? Only jackasses.

Throw in a lot of sex because most people forget sex happened during the shooting times.

Make sure you have a lot of sympathetic German and Japanese characters, because lord knows we're still whipped into a propaganda frenzy by that racist Popeye cartoon from 1939. It's your duty as an author to dispel the concept that all of the Japanese are idiotic baby eaters and the Germans are Satan worshipping half robots.

The American have to save the day, because they sure did in World War II. All by themselves! No help from the Russians or anyone.

Don't even really attempt to cover much of the Holocaust since that whole thing is just depressing and will only get readers down. Replace chapters on the Holocaust with more vignettes of characters fucking like rabid apes.

Have some horrible shit happen in China that is basically unrelated to the war to drive home the fact that we all forgot about the Japanese atrocities committed against the Chinese even though there are ten documentaries entitled "The Rape of Nanking" shown every day on the History Channel.

Once I had all of those rules down I began work on my alternate history fiction magnum opus which I have tentatively entitled "The Iron Cross of Fire Above." Actually I haven't gotten very far on it at all, I've just put together a little plot summary and some excerpts of dialogue, which I will share with you.

"The Iron Cross of Fire Above"
An Alternate History Science Fiction Action Novel
By Zack ParsonsThrough the magic of HTML you can click the above image to see a larger version of the novel's cover.Plot Summary: It is 1940 and the war is raging in the Pacific. The Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor with an atomic bomb which started the war and the Germans are quickly advancing across Russia. Just when the Japanese are about to capture all of China and the Germans are about to capture Moscow the planet gets attacked by the moon robots. The moon robots have been hiding on the moon and waiting for when the time was right to invade the earth and capture it for themselves. Since the humans are busy fighting each other the moon robot's initial landings totally kick the German's and Japanese's butts. Then while the Americans and Russians are laughing and getting ready to send thank you gift baskets to the moon robots, the moon robots turn around and attack them too.

The moon robots will begin to collect Chinese women that they then rape with tentacles and then smash them with giant moon robot hammers and shoot their smashed bodies into space in corpse rockets. Some Jews might get oppressed somehow by the Germans but I won't go into that, it's irrelevant to the battle with the moon robots.

This sets the stage for a massive planetary war that pits the moon robots against the humans in a struggle for supremacy. The humans begin the book outmatched by the moon robots, but by chapter five the Americans have developed Nintendo from a crashed moon robot jet fighter. By chapter seven the Americans have shared the Nintendo technology with the Germans and they have created a Super Nintendo. Hitler is hiding in a mountain bunker because he is a coward and because I'm afraid to make him a character who says anything.

Once the humans have the Super Nintendo they can use it to develop the jet tanks which will allow them to meet the moon robots on an even footing. The tides of battle begin to turn in the favor of mankind until finally they shoot a whole bunch of nuclear missiles at the moon robot space fleet and destroy it. Then the Germans and Japanese try to take over the world and fly to the moon to capture it as well, but the Americans are having none of that and kick both of their butts while the Russians and British are too afraid to do anything.

Characters: The two main characters will be Jock Daring, a US Marine who was fighting the Japanese on Okinawa when the aliens invaded, and Heinrich Himmler, who was fighting the Russians in a tank in Moscow when the moon robots attacked. The supporting characters will be Svetlana, a female KGB agent that Himmler has sex with several times, and Miss Nancy, a school marm who just wants to escape the moon robots and have constant sex with Jock Daring. There will also be a Jewish freedom fighter who is battling the Nazis for whatever sort of mean stuff they are doing to the Jews, I don't know the details, and the moon robots. I will also probably include like ten famous war heroes from all of the different sides but they will all seem exactly the same and will say things like "attack!" and "we've got to attack!" and "there's no way we can attack!"

Sample From Chapter 9: Nintendo Power

Himmler peered out over his sunglasses and he was looking really awesome in his black trenchcoat sitting in the hatch of the new "Tiger" Jet Tank. The moon reflected in the shiny silver turret thing and in his sunglasses. There was a thump behind him.

"Is this an attack?!" he shouted.

Then he saw Svetlana, who had red hair and was wearing a shiny plastic body suit with a zipper up the front and the zipper was unzipped all the way to her belt so he could see the sides of her boobs. His own "88" began to grow rigid, preparing to fire an armor piercing round prematurely if he wasn't careful.

"This isn't an attack Sergeant Himmler, unless you want me to attack your lips," she jumped onto the tank and kissed him and they were putting their tongues in each other's mouths.

"I'll give you an attack!" he growled, pulling his lips away and unzipping her bodysuit until it was all the way unzipped and he could see her crotch.

"We can't keep doing this Heinrich," she said even though she was unzipping his crotch, "we are on different sides of this crazy war and all of the sex is breaking some rules."

"I don't know about rules," said Heinrich thrusting into her with a loud and cool zapping sound, "I'm a soldier. We attack."

Sample From Chapter 15: Battle in Outer Space

"Oh no!!!" shouted the moon robot king.

"Sir the Americans, they are unstoppable," said another one of the moon robots who was standing next to the moon robot king.

Meanwhile in the detention sector of the moon robot flagship Jock Daring was punching the crap out of a moon robot guard soldier.

"Unnnnnnff!" grunted the guard soldier as it doubled over from a bad ass flying kick to its head.

Jock Daring ran to the cell where they were holding Miss Nancy captive. He kicked in the door. She screamed thinking he was a moon robot and then she squealed with delight.

"There is an attack!" shouted Jock Daring holding out his hand "We have to hurry before the nukes hit the flagship!"

Miss Nancy held her finger up to his lips all like "be quiet sailor".

"We're not going anywhere until I make sure you're okay," she said dropping to her knees in front of him and unzipping his crotch. There was an awesome zapping sound as she put his thing in her mouth.

"Ohhhh…but…the attack…" Jock's voice trailed off as he was getting ready to shoot a .45 love bullet from his crotch Thompson.

I don't want to give away anymore of the plot but the moon robots end up getting defeated by the Americans in the end. I am currently looking for a publisher based on this treatment, if anyone is interested, please e-mail me. I think I could have this bad boy ready to go to press in about a week, assuming someone e-mails me today and I feel pretty confident someone will.

I Don't Think Cliff Yablonski Really Cares For You!

Once again our good ol' buddy Mr. Cliff Yablonski, WWII hero and friend of children large and larger, has updated his sassy Internet webpage (on the Information Superhighway). What kind of exciting surprises does Mr. Yablonski have in store for us today?

WOW! Now that's one hot, uh, thing! Head on over and take a gaze at three brand spankin' new photos of people that he just really doesn't enjoy. Is it just me or do Cliff's updates seem like he's becoming a bit... senile? PLEASE DON'T HIT ME MR. YABLONSKI, I WAS JUST WONDERING!!!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.