*** This columnist crawled up a telephone pole and observed MILEY CYRUS moving slowly in the vicinity of water. She seemed unaware of my threat range and several times wandered into the reach of my striking forelimbs. Also, one of her groundskeepers has gone missing. He was 5'9", Hispanic, full of blood and organs, and made a sound like a steam kettle.
*** TOM HANKS and RITA WILSON do not care about their succulent dog. They allow him to play in areas where this columnist can be easily camouflaged. Even when the dog sees me and barks at me ceaselessly, TOM HANKS and RITA WILSON do not arm themselves.
*****HOT!!!***** Is that a baby bump? Yes, but according to spox, upright mammal MILA KUNIS does not lay eggs on the underside of a leaf as this columnist reported last week. Expect one to two helpless meat satchels to drop from her reproductive system inside a secured facility. The father is ASHTON KUTCHER, which may affect the marbling of the children.
*** KIM KARDASHIAN was out with KANYE WEST in Beverly Hills this weekend, where they did some shopping before retreating for a little one-on-one time into a drainage culvert. The shy couple hid out until police arrived and aggressively maneuvered with their fragile air vehicle.
*** Actress LINDSAY LOHAN had another run-in with the paparazzi over the weekend. It turns out this boozy bombshell reacts to feigned strikes and a rhythmic defensive display by swerving out of control and driving over a photog. Can someone say breathalyzer? Please contact me if so. This columnist is unable to form the word with my mandibles.
*** SELENA GOMEZ is at it again on Instagram, sending naughty pics of her outer meat layer to re-beau JUSTIN BIEBER. This columnist hopes nobody informs TAYLOR SWIFT about this or she may adapt her mating calls.
*** Speaking of meat layers, has RIHANNA added several ounces of subcutaneous fat to her brisket? Better hit the gym, honey, or you will not be able to outrun predators.
*** A charity golf outing at Sherwood Country Club turned out the stars, including JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE and JIMMY KIMMEL, who were among the many seen fleeing from a large shadow that swooped over the golf course. Despite reports from other sources, this columnist can confirm with certainty that ZAC EFRON was not in attendance and was not cornered and devoured head-first in the parking lot.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.