This article is part of the Dear Mr. Mayor series.
Mr. Mayor-Man, I recently relocated to your sector in hopes of leading a calm, relaxing existence dedicated to the study of human susceptibility to extreme gravimetric shifts.
I believe I offer a convenient and easy solution to the problem posed by the little-hairy-men. By simply flooding the town with a toxic gas derived from a type of liquefied dark matter common in some parts of the universe, the little-hairy-men will be converted into a thick, combustible gelatin. Should you desire to employ my plan, I will be scanning local brain frequencies for thoughts on rhubarb. This will be our secret code.
A Concerned Constituent-Man
A post signature addendum (A.P.S.A.): Although I am new to this sector, I wish to let you know that I enjoy parades and would like to observe more of them.
Looks like you screwed up again. The town is overrun with little hairy men who bite and spit average citizens, and nobody is doing anything to stop them. It's a sad day when I agree with the newspaper headlines. "Mayor Chokes on Hairball" is an understatement.
Since you're clearly pushing some progressive liberal agenda here, I suppose it's only a matter of time before you start taxing citizens more to provide healthcare for the little hairy men, who will of course need the right to vote and attend our schools.
You make me sick.
The little hairy men are not a criminal problem, and arresting them won't do a lick of good. Little hairy men behave the way they do because of their upbringing. Most are hatched from eggs and thrust into a world that provides nothing for them. It's not hard to see why most of them immediately embrace a life of barking, hissing, spitting and stealing small items like tools, silverware and lawn decorations. If anything, the little hairy men are crying out for authority, and it's up to us to take action and help them.
And the notion that we put them in zoos, as the newspaper suggests, is absolutely vulgar. Little hairy men are not animals. Until we stop treating them as such, we're no better than them.
Professor Rory Satch
Dear. Mr. Mayor,
It's the economy, stupid. It's no coincidence these little hairy men showed up when they did. It's only a miracle they didn't arrive a few years sooner, when things were really bad. This is what happens when manufacturing dries up and heads overseas. Sure, some people blame it on the tunnel to the inner earth that until recently was plugged by a large boulder, but people are always looking for something to blame, regardless of whether it makes sense or not.
What makes sense is jobs. What makes sense is factories. The sooner we realize that, the sooner we can move on with our lives.
Dear Concerned Residents,
We here at the Mayor's Office are delighted to receive your letters, and applaud your commitment to the community.
In spite of certain "exposés" written by the sensationalist editors at the newspaper, the Mayor did not sell the large boulder blocking the tunnel to Inner Earth. Like all citizens, the mayor knows this boulder was responsible for keeping the little hairy men from coming topside and biting and spitting on our good citizens, as little hairy men are wont to do.
Unfortunately, the city does not currently have the resources necessary to deal with the little hairy men problem, as the Police Department believes this matter falls under the purview of Animal Control. Because Animal Control consists of three full-time employees and one dog trained to sniff out mosquito larvae, there is simply no way for them to round up all the little hairy men, and many of the small freshly hatched ones can easily slip through nets.
The mayor believes it is only a matter of time before the little hairy men get homesick and decide to return to Inner Earth. The smaller ones that hatched here in town will want to stay, but should be fully grown by then and much easier to capture.
Until then he encourages every citizen to continue supporting the local community and to ignore the little hairy men. Although they may bark, hiss, spit, and bite, their tiny teeth cannot break our skin and exposure to small hairy man saliva does not appear to cause any harm after an initial itchy period.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
There's an easy solution to every problem: Complain to the town's mayor.