Dear Mass Grave Fillers,
I feel there might be some misunderstandings between us about my Stamp Out Crime policy and I want to get things right out in the open: I enjoy my blood in my body. I first began to understand your grievances back in April when you shot up my car, house, killed my dog, put a bomb in my mailbox, shot me in the legs, later tried to throw acid on me, shot me again in the chest, and burned down the mayor's office. The mass grave you recently filled with police has underlined your concerns.
I want to be very clear in this letter: I hear you.
I take my job as mayor seriously. It is my duty to serve the needs of my constituents. Cartel killers now represent a voting majority in the city and I must bend to your needs and address the policies you feel are most important.
To begin with, I will be ending the Stamp Out Crime initiative and replace with the popular "death to all police" program. Policemen must all die. Self explanatory. Death to all policemen. I agree. Why do they live so much? Do they do this to insult us? And their families? How dare they.
I also understand that after the ATF sold you those bazookas and you ran the army off the army base you wanted to occupy the army base. The city will buy the army base and make it available for the people's use. Maybe you could put a park in there or just put some more mass graves. Whatever you want. I support that.
There has been a lot of talk about killing the last people living along the highway and sewing drugs into their corpses to smuggle across the border. This idea I have always supported. It is so hard to do this when they are still alive.
Weld armor plates and machine guns onto our one remaining school bus that has not already been shot full of holes? This is good in case the army comes back to the army base again. I think this is a very good idea. I will release funds to buy armor plates. I know you have a machine gun since you shot through my house with it.
I hear through the grapevine you want to burn down the mayor's office again. Well, I am looking into this one. What can I say? I do not have an office anymore since it was already burned down. I am working out of my car, but if you want to burn my car this is something I can get behind.
I also understand you want to kill the mayor and chop off his head and kill his family too. I may have to get back to you on that one. It is possible. Might be doable, but before I integrate it into my action plan for the city I will have to speak with the comptroller, so please, return his body. Let us work on this one together.
You are the people you have been waiting for. I am only a vessel for your aspirations. Yes we can do this together.
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.