"Are you now or have you ever been aware that my hand is seriously getting weird? It's, like, bigger and somehow smaller at the same time. I think we all need to remain very still for a few hours until this blows over. Stop blinking so loudly. Thank you."
"Butter. Flour. Eggs. Yes, general, as I have stated time and time again I understand that perfectly. My question, if you would care to finally address it: Do you just pour all of the sugar in at once and stir, or mix it in slowly?"
"Well if there's no such thing as ghosts, how did he know my aunt's name started with a V? Yes, his exact words were 'I'm sensing someone with a name that contains a J...? No, an R? How about V?' Afterwards he explained that it was always a V, though, and that he was just misunderstanding it because there were so many ghosts walking around in front of him that he had a hard time seeing the letter."
"Sir, is it in fact your testimony that a large man on a pony can outrun a regular sized man with rollerskates? Keep in mind that you are under oath."
"How do I know you're the clone? What if I'm not really me, but I'm just designed to think that I am? Please answer the question quickly. I have almost eighty more McCarthy clones appearing before me today. And one of them might be the real me. Unless it's me."
"Please, for the love of god, can someone here teach me how to read? I've got this issue of Jungle Action and I need to know what happens in it RIGHT NOW."
"Okay, this one's for three hundred points and control of the board. Gentlemen, we asked your wives to describe your style of love making by comparing it to an animal. Did your wife say: A rabbit, an elephant, or a leech?"
"The blue wire. Got it. Uh... Bannon? There is no blue wire. I'm sitting here looking at a green wire with blue stripes and a blue wire with green stripes. Which one do I cut? Well, you don't have time to look at the manual! This clock has ten seconds left before it blows this place sky high! Which wire do I cut?!?"
"Ladies, gentlemen. Thank you for coming in today. I won't waste your time. You have all been called in to help me with one simple question. Is there any condition in which the suppression of opposing political beliefs would actually make a country stronger? No? Thank you. You may take the rest of the hour to enjoy a pizza party, courtesy of myself."
"Uh, I can. I totally can. You have no idea what I'm capable of. You seriously have no clue. One hundred chicken nuggets in half an hour. No time outs. No regurgitation allowed. How much do you want to bet?"
"The world's greatest scientific minds. Supposed geniuses at the top of their chosen fields. Tell me, how many days do I need to work out before I can throw a baseball and have it circle the Earth? There's no need to take into account my ability to catch the ball. We have three teams of defense contractors working on a solution to that particular problem around the clock. You need only to concern yourselves with how many days I will have to spend doing push ups and strapping myself into an exercise shaker belt. Three? Five?"
"Members of the committee, we have heard nearly eight hundred hours of testimony from expert witnesses. Whether it was grieving women or soldiers with haunted looks in their eyes, countless citizens from all walks of life have provided their harrowing tales, their pleas for reason. Does anyone object to the outlaw of fedoras, porkpies, and all headwear that carries a similarly high affectation quotient? No? So be it. The law is passed."
"If I don't get a straight answer, I'm gonna start hollerin'. Who runs Bartertown?"
"Do not patronize me, sir. You're the surgeon general, sure, but that doesn't mean I'm a nincompoop. I know much more than you give me credit for. I know that the man and woman have to love one another, or the baby won't be formed. I know that they have to hold their breath when they kiss or they'll get oxygen poisoning. I know that the house must be shielded by an unbroken circle of salt around its perimeter. The whole process is within my understanding. What I need to know is: How do I tell a pretty lady that I think she's special?"
The CEO of Lobstero, makers of the expensive home Lobster System, responds to recent unfavorable headlines about hand-squeezing a lobster out of one of the company's Lobster Packs.
Should you call someone a Nazi? The answer will surprise you.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.