A recent report from the National Science Foundation revealed a startling truth about the population of America: only 74% of us baseball-playing, apple pie-eating S.O.B.s know that the Earth revolves around the sun, instead of the other way around. Mathematically speaking, that makes us dumber than a 25.3 kilogram sack of doorknobs (unpolished). With such basic facts about our cosmic existence lost on tens of millions of American citizens, we had no choice but to reach out to our fellow idiots to find the many mistaken assumptions that inform their pointless, stupid lives.

  • 14% of Americans believe thunder is "God moving into a new apartment."
  • 23% of Americans think the West Coast Washington is our nation's capital "because it's bigger than the other one."
  • 12% of Americans refer to screws as "them twisty nails."
  • 8% of Americans can't locate the back of a map on a map.
  • 11% of Americans think the dinosaurs died out when we stopped using them as makeshift appliances in our homes.
  • 19% of Americans believe cats and dogs could interbreed if they were in the right mood.
  • 21% of Americans assume the moon gets bigger once a month to alert the Earth to the presence of werewolves.
  • 32% of Americans think Abraham Lincoln invented the penny as a way to market thousands of tiny self-portraits.
  • 24% of Americans listen to Rush Limbaugh and assume birth control pills are taken directly after sex to dissolve a screaming fetus.
  • 7% of Americans think it's a good idea to replace U.S. currency with a funny picture they saw of a dog on the Internet.
  • 13% of Americans think the bean bag is a fruit.
  • 27% of people believe the "Electrical College" is where highly intelligent educated thunder deities decide our next President.
  • 8% of Americans think World War II ended when Daffy Duck hit Adolf Hitler with a big hammer.
  • 18% of Americans consider their comprehensive knowledge of Starbucks sizes qualifies them as "bilingual."
  • 22% of Americans think Space Jam is a yearly sports event.
  • 15% of Americans complain about Daylight Saving Time for roughly 5 months after it starts.
  • 3% of Americans think Sonic the Hedgehog is sexually attractive.
  • 17% of Americans think the sun hides in China during the night, where it absorbs ancient wisdom.
  • 31% of Americans use mayonnaise on food instead of as an industrial lubricant.
  • 43% of Americans would pay to see three more Star Wars movies after Episodes I, II, and III.
  • 19% of Americans think gumbo is made from dead Gumbys.
  • 23% of Americans believe black teenagers are perpetually on the cusp of becoming murderous vampires, and can only be stopped with silver bullets or regular bullets.
  • 17% of Americans think puppy mills are where puppy pulp is pressed into dogs.
  • 9% of Americans still call it "Intendo."
  • 11% of Americans refer to their own feces as "brown butt-snakes."
  • 49% of Americans prefer their food to be in "heated pouch" form.

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey

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