The accumulation of knowledge has long been the most noble of all humankind's pursuits. The best among us want to know. It is not simply enough to accept things as they are, or speculate on what might be without following through with verification or scrutiny. There is an innate need within us to learn more, to unravel every puzzle, to unlock every door. When we evade knowledge we stagnate and falter as a species, but when we thirst for it we rise to new heights. And from those heights, we look back at how far we've come, knowing that once we were as animals, and now we are wise and true. Then, we wipe the sweat from our furled and learned brows, turn away from the past, and endeavor to climb higher to new pinnacles of understanding.
That pursuit of knowledge continues even to this day on the virtual frontiers of the Internet. One of the latest crazes sweeping the Internet is that of question and answer sites. Something Awful has long hosted its own forum for questions, which quickly became an invaluable resource for inept nerds looking for tips on how to psychologically manipulate women into sexual relationships. Larger sites like Yahoo also have question and answer sections, inviting users to ask away and encouraging others to provide answers, whether qualified or not. Since this is one of the biggest new features on the Internet and a testament to humankind's bondless curiosity, I thought I would take a few moments and round up some of the most popular questions posed by you, the Citizens of the Digital Kingdom.
So what is it you guys want to know so badly?
- Is blood important??
- Can I get pregnant from phone sex?
- How do I containerize farts?
- My boyfriends penis emits screeching noises, is this normal???
- Is there a way to trap a woman's soul in a jar and then hold it for a ransom of sex????
- Approximately where is the vagina, anyway?
- How do I get my cat to mate with my dog?
- Is dumping a girl over the operating system she uses acceptable? Windows ME? Come on!
- is that old adage "you are what you eat" true??? because i just ate a hamburger and i do not want be a hamburger.
- Accidentally shot gf with potato cannon. Best way to say I'm sorry?
- I get hairy on full moons am I... a werewolf? (I am also hairy other times of the month).
- Best type of razor if you are a werewolf and want to shave your junk (for your girlfriend)?
- are there ways i can get girls pregnant without having sex with them? answer quick!!
- How do I erase a girl's memory?
- Where can I get a fanny pack emblazed with stirring images of wolves?
- how do i convince my girlfriend to let me donkey punch her???
- do gay dudes high five each other during gay sex? (need to know asap)
- Operating an unauthorized Red Lobster franchise out of my garage, need advice.
- my bro says u ain't a man til you get the clap
- how do i get rid of the clap?
- How do I prove to my friend my Asperger's is more severe than his "Asperger's"?
- Is it O.K. to keep my child home on days when the school teaches the Satanic conspiracy of evolution?
- How do I communicate with females without ever having to talk to them?
- Did the Rapture just happen just now?
- How can I teach my dog to talk like a parrot?
- My bro's best dawg is an astronaut, he says you can't get boners in space?
- What would happen if you ghost rode a whip through an ancient Indian burial ground?
- When can I find the theme song to ALF in ring tone form?
- Where might I download college essays on ethics?
- Why don't dogs like wearing pants?
- How do I convince that girl in the Welch's Grape Juice ads to come home with me tonight?
- In the market for a refurbished real doll. Best sources?
- Tell me how to get in on the growing urban trend of street falconry.
- Should I spit my tobacco before performing oral?
- What happens if I hook an e-meter to my ballsack? I don't want to pass on any thetans to my wife.
Clearly, users of the Internet are overburdened with an insatiable thirst for knowledge. Let us hope the heights we soar to do not make us dizzy and cause us to stagger backwards, land on our heads, and forget the knowledge we acquired.
Can't tell a drinking fountain from a urinal? We've got you covered. Brush up on your drinking fountain enthusiast -- or sipper -- vocabulary and learn to talk and swap sips with the best of them.
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.