"No? Still no signal down there? I am on my tiptoes! Look, my arms are stretched as high as I can get them, sheesh! We already wrapped the antenna in tin foil. I doubt that adding more is not going to accomplish anything. Wait, does anyone have a ladder? Maybe a chair I can stand on?"
"Was it worth risking my life and the lives of countless others, including the sherpas who thanklessly performed all the hard work, to get to the top of a big rock where the ground is no different from any other patch of snow and gravel? Absolutely! Why? I am a lot of feet above the sea level right now!"
"What the? That one over there is taller! And it's got a slide!"
"I'm going to be absolutely insufferable at social gatherings for the rest of my life! I haven't decided if I'll recount this story with a false air of modesty or just tell people that they haven't lived until they've done this very specific thing that I've done, but either way I'm going to be an absolute shit!"
"Ugh, will someone PLEASE clear all those frozen bodies? They're spoiling this magnificent view."
"Remember the 90s!!!" *Lower your Oakleys, whip your snowboard down on the fresh powder and shred the slopes to the tune of Snow's "Informer"*
"Nope, nevermind. Forget it. My theory was completely wrong. If anything, it's even colder up here!"
"Uhhh, this isn't the bottom of Mount Everest. I can see the bottom way down there, but I'm pretty sure this is the top that we're standing on. No, honey, I followed the directions. Here, look. Apple Maps says we had to take a right on the trail. We took that right. I'm sure of it. Well I don't know what happened, but arguing isn't going to solve anything right now! Hold on, I'll get directions from here to the bottom... There. It says we just need to go straight down through the core of the mountain. Look for an elevator, or maybe a shovel."
"Oh no. Oh god no. I left my wallet at base camp. Does anyone have one dollar and fifty cents? I didn't know they'd be selling Italian ice up here! Please, I'll pay you back! Please. They've got lemon."
"I can see my house from up here! Haha! No, really, I can. Because my home... is the world. And you, my fellow adventurers, are my roommates. We're all just living under mother nature's roof when you think about it. We're all just sons and daughters of this miraculous planet. No matter how many walls we put up, no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves otherwise, we don't really own anything. Nah, I'm messing with you! Haha. I'm actually homeless."
"Woah, I feel it! A renewed sense of purpose! Spiritual fulfillment! A reason to live! Wait... nope. Sorry, everyone. False alarm. It was just the oxygen deprivation."
"That's it? You call that a mountain? I shit bigger mountains for breakfast! I put more effort into climbing the stairs to my front door! I baked a cake that was bigger than this mountain, and it was a lousy cake that barely rose to the height of a normal cake! What's this, my finger fell off? You call that frostbite? I get worse frostbite putting my hand in the fridge to grab a slice of poorly made cake! I had more fingers fall off while trying to open a pickle jar! What's that you guys are fashioning from the jacket of that long-dead mountain climber, a gag? You seriously call that a gag? I've been gagged by better mrrrph-"
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The CEO of Lobstero, makers of the expensive home Lobster System, responds to recent unfavorable headlines about hand-squeezing a lobster out of one of the company's Lobster Packs.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.