Hello girls and boys! My name is Sampson and I'm filling in for Sammy the Safety Squirrel today who is down in Mexico getting plastic surgery. He's getting a tummy tuck, some cheek implants, and a nose job. Frankly I think he's being a little superficial and he has a wonderful figure for his age, but he doesn't listen to me anymore. This whole Internet thing has gone right to his head and he's become a prima-donna about being regarded an expert on safety and an Internet celebrity. I've heard that he doesn't even collect nuts for winter anymore, and now just orders choice gourmet nuts from an online retailer, and installed elevators in his trees so he doesn't have to scramble up and down them anymore. I know it is the price of fame, but I liked the old Sammy better.
I first met Sammy the Safety Squirrel last year when he was fighting the Kraken on the high seas and was thrown into the water during the battle. He would've surely drowned, but my cousins and I carried him off to our vast underwater seahorse kingdom where our clerics nursed him back to health using our natural kelp herbs and the magic of our lord, Poseidon. When he was fully recovered, Sammy fought and defeated the terrible Kraken in an epic battle that shook the ocean floor. All the creatures of the sea were grateful that they are now free from the beast’s shadow and could frolic all day long in the seaweed and corals. The king of the seahorses, Edmund IV, held a ceremony where he gave Sammy the keys to the city and little seahorse children danced around poles with colorful ribbons. Then the king said that the seahorses were forever indebted to Sammy and will always be at his service whenever he is in need. Of course this exchange of pleasantries were just a formality, but Sammy took the king's words deadly serious. He enslaved us, making us serfs to do his bidding. Soon we longed for days of the Kraken as we waited in line for bread and toilet paper, and our children's bellies became large and distended with malnutrition.
I really don't want to badmouth him behind his back, because Sammy isn't all that bad. Once in a while, when he remembers to take his Zoloft, he can become a wise and benevolent ruler, like when he gave out free taffy this past Christmas. Sure he was forcing us to slave away making salt water taffy in his Christmas workshop, but at least he acknowledged our hard work.. Since I was the one that saved his life, he gave me a special position as his assistant. I help babysit his acorns, drive him to his court appearances, and step in to handle his responsibilities when he is indisposed, like right now. I can’t promise that I can do as well a job as Sammy does, but I’ll try my darndest not to let everybody down.
If there is one thing I know very well, it’s the beach. I’m a two time seahorse Olympics champion, and volunteer as a lifeguard on the weekends. Since Spring is coming to an end and soon it will be summertime, I thought I would talk about safety tips you should bear in mind when gallivanting at your favorite sandy spot by the lake or ocean. I know this is foolish because anybody that is reading this is probably an Internet nerd who hides from the sun like a bloated pale maggot, but try to stay with me on this.
Use the buddy system. When swimming in the water, make sure you are with your friend or “life partner”. In the past I would only limit the buddy system to strictly heterosexual relationships, but these days it seems that everybody is coming out of the closet. I have nothing against it personally, and support whatever makes people happy as long as it doesn’t harm anybody else. Just make sure you swim faster than your buddy when a shark attacks you. I’m just kidding of course, that is just some seahorse humor to lighten the mood of this safety guide.
Stay out of the Sun! I know it seems rather silly to talk about going out to the beach and then say to stay out of the sun, but trust me on this. I’ve had 3 cases of skin cancer over the past 15 years because I couldn’t get enough of that warm solar radiation making my skin golden brown like a fresh biscuit. With the hole in the ozone bigger than Paris Hilton’s gaping vagina, it’s no wonder everyone is getting cancer these days. I’m just kidding about Paris, I’m a big fan of her work.
Jellyfish: nature’s candy. Out of all the ocean creatures, jellyfish always get a bad rap, and it’s pretty unfair if you ask me. Humans are stupid and clumsy creatures (no offense), and always end up stepping on jellyfish who are just hanging out on the beach. As a self-defense measure, the jellyfish is full of a toxin that harms any oafish human foot coming down on them. They are highly regarded as a nuisance and are treated with a great deal of disrespect, but you have to admit, it’s not the jellyfish’s fault. It’s the dumb humans that are tromping on them, not vice versa. Some of my best friends are jellyfish, and most of them are real stand up guys. So keep an eye out, and watch where you step, you retarded apes.
Don’t take any guff from bullies. I know a lot of you little dweebs hate going to the beach because your body tone is far from perfect, and you are afraid of sand getting kicked in your face again by the local bullies. Many a time I have watched such spectacles while I swam in the surf, not far from the shore. You should not have to be afraid to go outside and enjoy nature because of some mouth breathing ogres are intent on being jerkfaces. Bring some pepper spray, a stun gun, or even a weapon if you feel really threatened. I recommend the trident to stay with the nautical theme. If anybody gives you any guff, wait until they go into the water, swim under them, and plunge the trident into their soft belly. Anything that comes out of their stomach cavity will be the bounty for the creatures dwelling in the sea and the earth will have one less beach bully to burden.
Never trust a starfish. If you never lived under the sea you probably won’t really know what I’m talking about, so you’ll have to trust me on this one. Starfish are by far the most diabolical and fiendish creatures in all of the ocean, even counting lampreys. Sure they look all innocent and cute, just sitting there on the sandy bottom, waiting, plotting for the perfect moment to strike. These evil runts run the most heinous and nefarious Amway program in the whole of the animal kingdom, netting thousands of unsuspecting fish and crustaceans with their promises of easy money through the power of recruiting and pep meetings. I was once foolish to befriend one and ended up buying a $50 combat knife that I could’ve gotten for $20 at any sporting goods store. If you are at the beach and see one of these fuckers, just try to ignore them, and if that fails, run for all you’re worth.
Beware of the white trash. Most of you are probably aware that white trash is attracted to the beach like flies to a 5-day old dead hooker. This can really ruin your outing, especially if they are blasting some Night Ranger or REO Speedwagon, get drunk off a case of Bud Light and then take a big steaming crap right on top of your sand castle. With mullet’s ablazing, these foul specimens have no respect for the beach and throw their half eaten hot dogs, empty beer cans, and their unwashed bratling children into our nice clean water. You need to be aware of this ever present hazard when going out and always have a back out plan if you are surrounded by white trash. This sometimes happens if you accidently set up your cooler next to a white trash family reunion. If you find yourself in this situation, throw your trident into the nearest beer gut and flee.
Obey the half hour rule. This is one of the oldest beach safety tips, but it is still one of the most important. Always wait at least a half an hour after eating before you go swimming, or you might get stomach cramps and drown. One of my cousins, Steven, disobeyed this rule last week and jumped in the water after eating a whole pack of Bob Evans mashed potatoes. He was so bloated that the water pressure gave him the bends and he was sucked into a whirlpool, and transported to the year 1494 where he was picked up by the Spanish Armada as a British spy and hanged on the deck. This is just one of the many dangers you can face if you eat before swimming or get sucked into whirlpools. Make sure you have all your papers.
Practice safe sex. I know you kids these days love the smooching and playing “hide the froggy”, especially late at night on the beach, but you should be aware of the inherent dangers of choosing to have intercourse near a major water source. Poseidon is an old-fashioned prudent God that will punish any naughty humans with a blight of bothersome crabs in their nether regions. Poseidon is also quite fond of giving out syphilis, like when he gave it to Al Capone who he caught masturbating on New York’s Coney Island beach in 1924. Just keep it in your pants you filthy little perverts!
Surfers are assholes. One safety hazard you should be aware of while swimming are those bimbo surfers who hump their piece of fiberglass and think they own the ocean. These assholes always ride over me when I’m just trying to chill out in the surf, and have no respect for the other humans and animals in the water. Plus I’m pretty sure the most of them are bank robbers like in the movie “Point Break” with Keanu Reeves. Call me crazy, but I feel that Keanu is one of the best actors of our time, and when we look back on his film career he will be even more revered than Jack Nicholson or Robert De’Niro. Not only is he an excellent actor, but he can play a mean bass guitar as well, and his band Dogstar really rocks my socks. I’ll fully admit that I’m a Keanu Reeves fanboy in the highest degree. If loving Keanu is a crime, then put me in the pokey and throw away the key!
I hope these safety tips suffice for my subbing in for Sammy today. I would sure hate for him to come back from Mexico all swollen and in a foul mood only to find that his e-mail box is flooded with thousands of hate mail. He would probably send me back to the seahorse salt water taffy factory and I would never be heard from again. I can only hope that the Son of the Kraken will someday come to avenge his father and free us from the terrible reign of Sammy the Safety Squirrel. We can only hope and pray.
Frolixo here, dishing up all the dirt from my horrible life so you can feel better about yours. I also want to share some exciting Internet offers like free IPODs and virgin lesbian teens. YOU ARE JUST ONE CLICK AWAY FROM PARADISE! If you don't click that link I'm going to put you on my shit list. You don't want to go on the shit list.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.