Wink Martindale has finally returned. He's back when you least expect it. Wink Martindale has traveled more miles than the world itself and he doesn't feel like keeping a diary. Wink Martindale voted for the new Pope. The other new Pope. Wink Martindale is here to rock you like a hurricane.
There is no statute of limitations on Wink Martindale and he killed Abraham Lincoln. Wink Martindale is on a two-second simulcast delay. Wink Martindale runs a highly successful software cracking group and he's the master of 0-day releases. Wink Martindale invented the scientific method and he's not afraid to use it.
Wink Martindale loves to cuddle, but at all the wrong times.When the sun dies it will expand until it burns away everything on the surface of the earth. Everything except Wink Martindale. Wink Martindale is rock hard and he's on a scavenger hunt for your daughter. He doesn't even care what she looks like: it's the principle of the matter. If you look into a mirror and say "Wink Martindale" three times birds will fall dead from the sky. Wink Martindale is laughing at his own joke and it's about you.
Your family owes Wink Martindale more money than they can ever hope to repay, but he'll take clean organs. With interest. Wink Martindale has filled out Do Not Resuscitate papers because he doesn't like leaving resurrection to the amateurs. Wink Martindale hates creamed corn so much he might kill you with his mind for reading this sentence. Wink Martindale can turn into a helicopter and he put this skill to good use on the set of the "Twilight Zone" movie. Wink Martindale thinks about you when he pees.
Here are the last 25 words that Wink Martindale said aloud:
Flowing endless through time and space, Wink Martindale's smiling face.Wink Martindale is shifting the skein of time with his will just so he can win a cakewalk. Wink Martindale is listening to "House of the Rising Sun" because it's about him. He just edited your thesis paper to include 50 instances of the phrase "calling all cars" and he doesn't care if you fail. Wink Martindale has licked an ass, but not the way you're thinking. He's knocking a star off your hotel's rating because your room mints are lousy with mites.
Everything Wink Martindale does is "with release" and he's currently competing in a jetpack race. Wink Martindale believes that birth control is a cardinal sin but considers abortion a form of takeout. Wink Martindale can solve complex mathematical equations in his head faster than a supercomputer, but he prefers to write them out on paper because he loathes trees. Wink Martindale returned your keys but not before making doubles. Wink Martindale plans on rearranging your furniture while you're asleep.
Wink Martindale wears socks with sandals, and it's going to start a fashion craze. He knows 97 ways to kill a man without even touching him, but the only one he's ever used is a revolver. When it is time to rock the funky joint Wink Martindale is on point. When it is time to rock the funky jam Wink Martindale is nowhere to be seen, but he's left an ace of spades behind as his calling card. The only thing Wink Martindale doesn't know is how to make a good pot of chili and it is his greatest shame. You think you're reading about Wink Martindale, but Wink Martindale is really writing about you in his new book "The True Story of Internet Reader."
Wink Martindale's iPod is set to shuffle and it's in a burlap bag at the bottom of a river. Amazon recommends the second season of Stargate SG-1 to Wink Martindale, but he already bought it months ago on ebay. Wink Martindale has never set foot inside a grocery store because he always rides on one of those motorized fat guy scooters. Wink Martindale knows good shoes. Biblically.
Wink Martindale isn't a racist, he just doesn't like the color of your skin. Wink Martindale is a self-taught singer/songwriter and here are some of the lyrics to his newest single:
I'm in you.
I'm within you.
Inside the space,
You hold reserved.
That special place,
You don't deserve.
I will get inside you,
And I will burn you down,
Because I love you like,
The heartworm loves the hound.
It's a power-chord butt rock ballad that Wink Martindale plans on dedicating to Emily Dickenson. Wink Martindale is going to cut a deal with Death Row Records just because he wants an excuse to shoot rappers to death. Wink Martindale is the source of original sin. Wink Martindale puts on his pants just like the rest of us: he turns his lower body into a liquid and seeps through them. Good news, Wink Martindale is back in stock!
At the end of all time and space, when the lightless inexorable whirl of the dragon consumes the last scraps of our reality, when the true dark of nothing is the only companion to that monstrous gravitational maw, Wink Martindale will stand on emptiness and howl at the void. That fire that lights the lantern inside Wink Martindale's mind will surge and flare, and in one brief instant, when all is truly lost and things are nevermore, Wink Martindale will roar with fury and the entire Universe will be remade anew. The cycle begins again. Ten billion upon ten billion stars are thrown out of the unclenched fist of eternity.
Then and only then will Wink Martindale's roar become a laugh and he will settle in for another go. Each wheel turns around a focal point and ours is Wink Martindale, coming this Fall to the Game Show Channel on "Gambit."
I know it has been Zack overload today, but poor wee Frolixo - SA's very own redheaded step-child - is suffering from dental surgery and is hyped up on goofy gas. If you are so inclined you can read my first attempt at our new casual feature: Daily Dirt, where the usually staid SA frontpage writers cut loose and/or chill out. It's like a Live Journal only we don't take personality tests...yet. Think of it as a director's commentary to the main page of SA which you have come to know and dislike quietly. I'm sure you thirst for more of my juicy offerings!
What movies other than Rat Race could be improved by the surprising entrance of Smash Mouth?
How do employees stay safe at Alien Goop Storage Facility, The House of Unstable Floors and Vases Containing Fireballs, and (INARTICULATE PANICKED SCREAM)?
day 2: still working on the car
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.