It's been real cold lately, and I blame the chemtrails for that. I wake up at 4:34 every morning because the implant in my head starts buzzing and humming like crazy around then, mostly due to the time I was driving in my Jeep and saw what I thought was a nickel but later turned out to be a UFO that the government was test driving for the UN that day, and I look out the window to see what the weather will be like. Well most days I predict the weather is going to be dark and cold, but then it gets light outside and I can see most of my fingers with my eyes. So I was looking out the window and see all these clouds in the sky lined up like freshly cut Nazi cocaine, and I know right then that the face on Mars has something sinister in store for me that day. I can also tell because I take off my underwear and it smells like Hi-C, which means my riboflavin levels are just going crazy. That's the polar tilt for you, ladies and gents! It's making my hands smell like bread and there's not much I can do about it.
The government started screwing around with my head back in the early 80s, when I discovered the secret of immortality. I was painting my garage and I fell off the ladder and dunked my head in a trough of paint and when I woke up two days later, I had figured out immortality. I ran to my kitchen and started writing down all these formulas so I could use the power of crystals to fuel an inter-dimensional trip through time, when the phone started ringing. I'm don't think I need to point out that it was the Jews calling me up to steal my secrets so they could sell them to the corrupt Vatican and create the super-race of abominable snowmen that George Bush ordered for NATO. I ripped the phone out of the outlet and put it under a box spring mattress, because that's the only proven way you can slow down the poison electrons that the power company has been adding to the power lines to tap into our minds and steal all our ideas so they can make cellphones which run on coal. Do you ever wonder why there are lower electron readings in crop circles? Well now you know, buddy! Also almost all the Native Americans and dinosaurs were wiped off the face of America when the comet passed by in the late 1800s and disturbed the subterranean dentists living in the hollow Earth.
There's been a ton of chemtrails lately, and I just can't stop staring at them no matter how loud I turn up my "Songs of the Whale" CD that I made by recording the sounds I heard in my basement when the Satanists down the street started trying to cast spells on me to make me impotent. That's why I made those green aluminum curtains out of parts from the Philadelphia Experiment, because witches hate aluminum and it reminds them of the jail that the CIA put them in after their failed attempt to possess John Kennedy for Project: Bluebook. The communist disguised as a postman was trying to find weaknesses in my fortress when he was delivering the acid-laced envelopes disguised as mail from a postman, but he never stays around long enough to intercept my mind-rays and transmit them to the Men in Black who have taken over my neighbor's house and disguised it as an invisible house.
I've got this bucket full of depleted uranium I store in my closet because it keeps the Chupacabre away, and sometimes I see Jesus in this bucket, but usually I don't. Usually it's Pope John Paul II and he's bragging about the psychic vampires at the pharmacy who swap my pills with placebos and call me on the phone to set off my electromagnetic trap detector. I heard the Pope's cronies hijacked the two airliners on 9/11 and armed them with Jewish missiles before crashing into the WTC, just to promote Catholicism. If only the Black Ops had one of those prototype Tesla Transportational Gateways that he created in 1930, then they could've teleported those doomsday planes onto the dark side of the moon, right next to Sputnik. And screw you, American Government, I'm not letting your hired goons inject me with your so-called "flu shot," which does nothing but GIVE ME GULF WAR SYNDROME! This horrible government of ours has the technology to eradicate AIDS once and for all, yet they clearly have no interest in giving away the drugs thanks to their strict "Population Control" plan. Those flying triangles outside my window are spelling out words, and these words say "cold fusion is responsible for those big black cats in the UK that Elvis sang about on that unreleased record of his!" As soon as I discover the link between the flat earth people and the Elders of Zion, you better well believe me that I'm gonna march right up to that there UN building and give them a hearty "what for!"
I only pay for stuff with checks because if you look closely at our US currency, you can see pictures of 9/11, foretold of years ago. When I was 15 I got a check from my grandparents for $10 for my birthday and on the memo line it said "happy birthday" but you take those letters, you take them and move them around and add and subtract letters, and you get a message saying "WARNING: THEY COME FOR YOU AT 19." That's why I didn't buy that Ford with the automatic transmission when I saw the ad in the classifieds for it. So I took the VHS tape of Reagan's inaugural speech and reversed it and listened to it for three straight days and I could hear the message he said: "THEY COME FOR YOU AT 19." It was the exact same thing my grandparents said! My aura was positively periwinkle at that point, so I filtered out all the coal in my coffee machine and tried tuning my sphere to a new frequency, one free of the HAARP agenda.
Sometimes you can see the neighbors, you can see their alien overlords inside, so I hide inside my shower and spray Glade all over me because the nanomachines penetrating my skin are trying to get me to write letters to Oprah and call her bluff regarding Nordic alien abductions, and that's how the government puts you on their hit list, and I can't do that now that a little one is on the way. God used to speak through me but then my diodes got rusty so now Mother Earth speaks through me and that's why everybody is afraid to challenge me to Scrabble games.
My shelf is lined with jars of urine, organized by their color and consistency. This is how I can tell if the embryo in my stomach is telepathically channeling the inter-dimensional moth people. Of course the chemtrails are doing a pretty good job neutralizing its hallucinogens, but the demonic fluoride the FBI is putting in my water still has a way of coloring my brain even though I don't drink water and live off expired astronaut food. Did you know that Buzz Aldrin was kidnapped from the space shuttle on his way back from the moon? It's true. If you look at the footage and zoom in on the speck at coordinates 348, 764 at time 4:37:03, you can clearly see the Black Planet X in frame. This not only proves that my theory regarding combustible water is true, but also that the cashier at Denny's was clearly a spy for the greys and the codeword "the restrooms are to the left of the bar" was a code word trying to activate my gnome fruit. And yes, the gnome fruit is real, as I proved in my blog entry from December 18th of 2002, it's clear to anybody with half a brain that the food pyramid was created to spread micro-spores and pollinate Africa so the diamond industry could have more influence over the US elections, courtesy of MK-Ultra. And what about those weapons of mass destruction? Simply tools to draw us away from the real crisis at hand: the mind altering substances the US Post Office puts on the back of their stamps. And I will find whoever is posting those entries in my blog comments and I will throw you off the Internet just in time for the new civil war.
Today the chemtrails were shaped like the letters "P" and "O" and "L," which if you re-arrange spells out the word "OLP" which is the PLO in reverse, and you can take those numbers and add them up any way you want and you'll still see that the world will end in 2012. The Mayan calendar was created by Jesus and the Men In Black, and if you add all the numbers together you can correctly prophesize the birth of Albert Einstein, Adolph Hitler, and Eddie Money. In 2012, our galaxy will line up with Andromeda and the constellation will spell out the four horsemen of the apocalypse, who are in Area 51 and being retrofitted with psi-helmets.
Of course you don't hear about this because the One World Order has been using pink noise to filter my blog entries into ads for penis enlargement pills, but I just got a new computer and this one makes far less smoke smells, so I know the ozone creation device I made out of tape and barber combs is working correctly. I will have six wives some day and the US Government will not be able to stop me from populating this house with soldiers of the resistance, and we will play the Sony PS2 but not the Nintendo Gamecube because Sony is of the color blue and Nintendo is of the color Raelian. And no, we won't drink the water because of the fluoridation in it. Just go onto #chem_conspiracy on UnderNet and the MoTD will give you all the proof you need. Not that any of you sheeple will believe me, because Jesus's angels only live in my face, not yours.
I can remotely view the demons through my painting of Tom Landry. They have possessed President Bush and I can use electrographs to map out and plot proof that the soul area in his chest is now full of chemical X. I can prove all this if the CIA would stop telling the NSA to spike my hair plugs with the same shit they put in the lemony fresh fabric softener which made my beard fall off and made me think I was on that television show with the short man who screams a lot. They're finding all those fault lines in California but those could be fixed if we just switched our communication system to a parallel dimension, one with less magnetic interference on the AM radio scale. My dad said we were Irish and everybody knows Ireland is Atlantis and that's why I can breathe for so long underwater. Also that's why I'm sensitive to space based weapons and can tell who's doing what to who where. If you take all the letters in that sentence and rearrange them, you'll get a completely difference sentence which makes absolutely no sense at all, so this just proves what I'm saying must be 100% factual.
I guess I'm still mad because Newsweek refuses to run my editorial explaining how the government is trying to make us sterile by accepting bribes from Chase Bank and Standard Oil and putting saltpeter in the atmosphere. Those changelings in my bushes are angels, not IRS agents as I previously suspected, because I smelled the sixth dimension all over them. Evolution is genocide, and any of those clouds that aren't chemtrails are clearly UFOs shifting in between dimensions. I drilled a hole in my bathroom and now Satan uses my toilet. The cult members from Richmond and Langly obviously put my TV on the cancer channel to stop me from revealing the truth, or so the Illuminati think. The Freemasons have been torturing my family for 666 years now, so I should wrap this up and get back to monitoring that van outside because I think its exhaust pipe is a satellite receiver and it's monitoring everything I think.
In a Something Awful exclusive, we reveal the true state of Darren Wilson after his harrowing encounter with Michael Brown.
gee, sun, thanks for life and warmth and light. you totally did it on purpose and aren't just a stupid exploding deathtrap
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