Technology. It's all around us every day. It's in our pockets, on our walls, in our hair and even in what you eat for breakfast. Technology gives us health and entertains us. Each year seems to bring more and more of it. What will next year hold in the future of technology? Find out, with The Tech Forecast's annual Next Year in Tech! 2013 edition.
2013 is going to be a big year in tech with lots of new developments.
More information available in cute cat pictures. More bandwidth available to upload, download and share files to your cats. Swap cats with your friends and back up important documents onto your cat.
Finally, print rugs in 3D just how you want them. Import virtual realities into your rugs and make them realities. Relive your favorite memories in rug form. Export your baby's ultrasound as a rug. Share rug designs from your phone. Take a picture of anything and turn it into a rug with a home rug printer. Get directions to anywhere in the world based on the cloud's advice and have them printed straight to a rug.
Use USB 3.0 to turn your laptop into the only device you will ever need to control your house. Plug into your door to open it, type in short text commands to be obeyed by your windows. Dim the lights with your function keys. Control your TV with the virtual remote control on your screen. Open and close drawers, randomize your vents, rotate your carpet, create up to two presets for your mornings and evenings, or enter phantom mode.
Stream Hollywood Hits straight to your bread. Edible films will spread from slice to slice and follow you throughout your house as doors open and close. Have you ever wanted to eat Paul Blart: Mall Cop? Now you can. Skype with someone while you eat them. Place the bread on the walls of your home and update your house computer for full 360 interactive streaming. Watch online with your friends as you are eating them. It's Bread Evolved.
More text and surfaces beveled. Names and dates will be fully beveled. Highly-reflective bevels will cover staircases and decorate our tables, chairs and bedrooms.
Cars 3.0 w/ scripting.
Spotify 3.1 Mobile.
Streaming music inside all of us at all times. Share playlists with friends whether you want to or not. All the hits streaming directly into your flesh. Pausing the music will cause agonizing pain.
More micro transactions.
Improve your sex life with micro transactions. 5 LifePoints (tm) for spinning. 3 LifePoints for turning sideways. 12 LP for Sword of Rex. 20 LP to make your crops grow back instantly. Earn LifePoints for completing small quests such as killing 100 turtles per 1 LP or easily purchasing 400 LP for $29.99. Ask your friends to help you earn more LP. Tap your phone to their face to download their entire playlist and gain 3 LP. Text your progress to Obama.
DRM free oats.
Finally. They're really here.
2013 promises a more interactive world. Monitor your progress on your bread while listening to a custom playlist from your dead dad. Watch your favorite horse GIFs overlayed onto what you are seeing. Download Obama's funeral message to your Wii U controller and ask your house to turn on your bathroom fans.
Once again we are first with predictions for 2013 tech, beating out all other competitors. This tech will change the way we live every day and make our lives better. But will it really make us happier to own all these gadgets?
Yes. Clearly, yes.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.