The perfect clown for the job should be between approximately twenty to forty years of age, with five years experience clowning around in hostile environments. He must be capable of working with children of all ages and sizes, including the old but young at heart, the wildly obese, and the forever petulant. He must be capable of remaining detached from his audience, for they could die at any minute.
He should be capable of lifting no less than sixty five pounds and not be averse to working with post-transitional metals. ABSOLUTELY NO GALLIUM ALLERGIES WILL BE TOLERATED. A degree in chemistry is mandatory, along with a non-expired passport. He must speak Dutch on a conversational level.
The ideal clown should have a valid freight license, and be capable of operating a forklift under extreme duress, including under chemical intoxication, while being verbally abused, attacked by animals, and when all hope seems lost. Proficiency in Microsoft Excel is strongly desired.
The clown should have a working knowledge of all standard knots, not just for the construction of balloon animals, but for climbing mountains and securing boats to docks. He must know how to operate a boat and be able to distinguish boats from other vehicles when shown photo arrays.
He must own a fax machine. He must be experienced in MS-DOS. He must be able to operate standard military firearms with a high degree of accuracy. Though he must smile at all times, he need not feel happiness and may indeed cry within. He must have a bright red nose, and not as the result of a skin ailment.
The clown must honor and stand by his brothers. He should be prepared to take the sacred blood oath, the Cholo, and fight to the death when one of his brothers fall in battle. He should be an expert on TV and VCR repair. He must know what time it is at all times, even when he is not near a watch or clock.
High altitude ballooning skills are a necessity for he, along with a working knowledge of piloting helicopters, small planes, and hang gliders. Repelling and parachuting skills are therefore essential. He must know a thing or two about the whims and ways of ladies and be capable of offering sound advice to those in need. Discretion is a must. The good clown never repeats that which he is told in confidence.
When one takes out a contract with an ideal clown, he should feel secure that the contract will be honored. The clown must serve out the edicts of the contract with his life and livelihood as the collateral. Should a clown fail, he must sever a part of his own person as a sacrifice to appease the contractor.
When the situation arises, the perfect clown should know how to bartend and make cocktails. His constitution should be high, as should his threshold for pain and methods of extreme persuasion. The clown that falters, wavers, or shows weakness is first to die in a volatile situation.
The perfect clown for the job should know his limits, and challenge them at every turn. Fear is not an option for the ideal clown. However, he must not let his boldness and determination to conquer the world overshadow his softer side. He should be good with pets and comforting to both the elderly and the infirm.
A clown should never fear confined spaces or crowds. He should be prepared at any time to climb into the barrel of a cannon, into an overcrowded car, or a lion's den. He will require a keen understanding of the animal mind, animal husbandry, and a degree in law. He must be able to fit inside ventilation ducts and survive without food for up to seven days.
The clown for the job should have complete mastery over his own body, and indeed, an understanding of the operation of all bodies. He should know battlefield medicine, be capable of performing emergency amputations, and know how to deliver a child safely, even when underwater.
The temperament of the ideal clown must be fair and deliberate. He should respect laws and customs, honor all treaties, and work within his pre-defined mission perimeters. If need be, he may improvise to compensate for unexpected variables, though never to the detriment of the contractor or the audience.
Above all, the prefect clown for the job should be able to furnish his own ride to the party and show up promptly at the agreed upon time.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.