I'm sorry, America. The time has come and we can't deny it. All good things must have a finish and Mr. Bush, Our President, must (by Law) now step down from the post he has bravely held since 2002. Mr. President, I speak for all Americans when I say "Damn fine job, Sir."
Damn fine job.
America is Proud of our President. When I see you, Sir, my heart swells with so much pride that my chest gains 2-3 inches on its bulk and my pecs shape out nicely, which is Reason # 217 why I'm glad you could lead us through trying times.
Sometimes, when I'm deadlifting, I think of your Steadfast Leadership and I am inspired to push through 3+ more reps even though I'm mega-pooped and coated in a thin sheen of sweat, ready to towel off and sprint bike back home to the Little Woman. Every true American keeps a picture of you on the wall of >50% of rooms in their homes and also a large poster of you on the ceiling above their bed. I know I do. I Know I Do, Sir.
1. The War on Terror
We won. Terror was a problem and Bush wasn't afraid to roll up his sleeves and give terror a ticket to the gunshow, which is literal because we shot at them. People all over the world are glad that Terror is gone and we can all easily breathe at last.
Some people got upset just because he didn't land Air Force One in New Orleans. If he had though, he would probably have landed on survivors because there wasn't much dry land and what would these naysayers be naysaying if he had squashed a family with a jet? Mr. Bush made the Right Choice in that situation. Advantage: GWB.
3. The Environment
America is Number 1 in many important things like best football teams and place where the most people who are Tom Hanks live, and also not Number 1 in less important things like people cheating their way into hospitals for free just because they're sick. But if you can't give a manly Fist Pump about American being Number 1 in polluting then you don't have the right constitution to Lead Men to Victory. Bush had the right constitution to uphold our constitution and make statements to the world that constitute a Manifesto of Manliness.
4. Being Handsome
Our President is a very handsome man. I'm glad we had a man to lead our country in these dark times who also had comely features, and I'm sure our boys overseas think about our president often, sexually. I know I do.
5. No Child Left Behind
Look at this guy:
Can you believe we were lucky enough to be given a head of state of with such a Perfect Build at this trying time in history?
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.