Finally, the answer to the age old question. Should you buy a pet snake?


If you are...

Planning on being that dude at the state fair YES

Eight years old YES

Trying to defend your tomb from a future archeologist that happens to hate snakes YES

Always wanted a dragon and don't mind making a few compromises YES

A villain of some sort YES

Converting your living room to display a pile of pebbles, dried log, and snake-- literally the worst shit nature has to offer YES

Not totally against facial tattoos YES

Allergic to mongoose YES

Trying to win votes in major snake-owning states YES

Rarely seen wearing a shirt YES

Truly unable to differentiate between pet and pest YES

Wanting to be identified solely as "that dude with a snake" YES

Feel most comfortable in a goatee

Needing a place to discretely hide long, narrow items YES

Trying to recreate scenes from Anaconda in your bathtub using only your snake, your blowup doll, and your lust for life YES

Literally the guy to the left of this sentence YES

Settle forever that it is, in fact, a snake in your pocket YES

Trying to totally impress some eight year olds YES

Lonely, searching for the perfect cold, scaly creature to snuggle with every night YES

Wear a leather jacket in August for no apparent reason YES

Part snake yourself YES

Grossly misinformed about what the opposite sex likes YES

Trying to quench your addiction to venom YES

Looking for a new defense against bullies YES

Can't settle for any pet that doesn't do nothing YES

Don't want to eat mice alone anymore YES

Teach biology in a public high school YES

A wrestler and/or rapist YES

Need a baby rattle with a little personality YES

Filming that music video from Wayne's World YES

Have a special connection to Baby Got Back's line "my anaconda don't want none" YES

Your method of pleasuring yourself is on the next level-and probably illegal YES

Really hate mice YES

You are totally counter-culture and totally from 1994 YES

Decided that a pet turtle just wasn't a big enough asshole YES

Actively trying to destroy the Everglades YES

DIY snake boots YES

Anyone or anything not mentioned above NO



– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

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