Finally, the answer to the age old question. Should you buy a pet snake?
If you are...
Planning on being that dude at the state fair YES
Eight years old YES
Trying to defend your tomb from a future archeologist that happens to hate snakes YES
Always wanted a dragon and don't mind making a few compromises YES
A villain of some sort YES
Converting your living room to display a pile of pebbles, dried log, and snake-- literally the worst shit nature has to offer YES
Not totally against facial tattoos YES
Allergic to mongoose YES
Trying to win votes in major snake-owning states YES
Rarely seen wearing a shirt YES
Truly unable to differentiate between pet and pest YES
Wanting to be identified solely as "that dude with a snake" YES
Feel most comfortable in a goatee
Needing a place to discretely hide long, narrow items YES
Trying to recreate scenes from Anaconda in your bathtub using only your snake, your blowup doll, and your lust for life YES
Literally the guy to the left of this sentence YES
Settle forever that it is, in fact, a snake in your pocket YES
Trying to totally impress some eight year olds YES
Lonely, searching for the perfect cold, scaly creature to snuggle with every night YES
Wear a leather jacket in August for no apparent reason YES
Part snake yourself YES
Grossly misinformed about what the opposite sex likes YES
Trying to quench your addiction to venom YES
Looking for a new defense against bullies YES
Can't settle for any pet that doesn't do nothing YES
Don't want to eat mice alone anymore YES
Teach biology in a public high school YES
A wrestler and/or rapist YES
Need a baby rattle with a little personality YES
Filming that music video from Wayne's World YES
Have a special connection to Baby Got Back's line "my anaconda don't want none" YES
Your method of pleasuring yourself is on the next level-and probably illegal YES
Really hate mice YES
You are totally counter-culture and totally from 1994 YES
Decided that a pet turtle just wasn't a big enough asshole YES
Actively trying to destroy the Everglades YES
DIY snake boots YES
Anyone or anything not mentioned above NO
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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