French Game Man,
You are my hero. All I hear from the Internet is that you talk big and can never keep your promises, but all the folks in my group home love your games and if no one takes too much medication and starts dry-humping their bedpost we get to play for an extra hour on Friday night! When I was on the Internet I found out that you are working on a game that will be a life sim called Dimitri and this made me bellow so loud with joy that they chained me up in the boiler room for three days! Now, Mr. Molyneux, I ask you this in all seriousness. In this new game, can you go to the store and buy apples? This is my favorite thing to do. Please answer me.
My Wonderful Smoochie Baron,
It always touches me to read a letter from an older fan. You might be an old curmudgeon (that’s French for “wrinkly disabled person”), but you don’t let that slow down your love of games and gaming. Your question struck a chord in me and several other people around the office and after hundreds of hours of group research and fact-finding procedures, we have concluded that, yes, you will be able to go to the store and buy apples. Three kinds of apples, in fact! And on top of that, you can use this special cheat code to plant an apple tree that will grow along with you your entire life: In the game, simply locate a tree, turn your character’s back to it, and close your eyes. When you’re good and ready turn your character back around, open your eyes, and poof, instant apple tree! You can even throw apples you bought at the store in front of the tree to make the experience more realistic (assuming we can figure out a way to implement this nifty little apple-throwing application I programmed).
What’s the cheat to that, you might be asking? The power of imagination, Baron. If you’re not using it you’re cheating yourself out of a lifetime of fun.
We at Rare are astounded by your short development time and games that never disappoint. While we have spent the last of our Diddy Kong Racing money to get that “England” smell out of our offices, there’s just enough left to produce a game within the next eight years. This came up when we were out for fish and chips (because we're in England) and it was such a strange proposal that everyone nearly choked on their blood pudding (once again, England)! But then after our swordfight at Buckingham Palace (this is what English people do) we calmed down a little and “threw another shrimp on the barbie”, as we like to say. Our plan is to release a remake of Snake Rattle n’ Roll titled SRNR: Sneakier, Snakier, and Completely Uncut, and even though it will only contain the first level of the original game, you will not believe the bump mapping and fur effects that we have developed. You will think you are watching Animal Planet but no, you will be playing Animal Planet. Look out, Christmas 2012!
Tim and Chris Stamper
Super England Go-Go Rare Teamu,
Although all letters to me are supposed to be written in the form of a question, the font on this particular piece of mail tells me you emailed me from within the Dimitri world. Since we couldn’t find a way to implement those tricky “question mark” things into the game, I will let it slide this time
I have to say I’m a huge fan of the things you guys put out, too! Sure, we all have our flops – Goldeneye and Perfect Dark were nigh unplayable – but then the Xbox and the Xbox 360 came out and you rebounded right back into perfect form! Grabbed by the Ghoulies is a testament to what delay times could make: it might have been years and years in the making, but that half-hour of play time was the best half-hour I ever spent! Perfect Dark Zero righted all the wrongs you made with the original, and it, too, was a bit slow to come out – I remember hearing about it at Gamecube launch. Luckily, you guys had the sense to just improve the graphics and keep that old-school, last-generation-launch-title feel. And don’t even get me started on Kameo. It was like Altered Beast except you turned into bears and armadillos and such, and it was 3-D! With particle effects!
You can’t rush quality, friends. Kudos to you and your friends (or konichiwa, as you guys over the pond might say)!
If you are 35 and you are not integrated into the Gigathrax then you are not ready to retire.
While designing this space, I imagined David Fincher being forced to recreate the music video for Nine Inch Nails' Closer in a haunted gas station bathroom.
My game is funded. Now I know everything.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.