Hello, it’s Dolores again. I was writing to tell you that I bought one of your old games used – I don’t know which one because someone scratched the name off with a penny and wrote over it so it looks like “Peter Molyneux’s Crude Drawing of a Penis” – and on the back of the box it said it had “the most realistic fire effects of any game ever”. When I opened the box, though, nothing but a bunch of flint and dry straw fell out! Then I looked again and the back of the box said “ALSO AVAILABLE: Ant Invasion Expansion Pack”. I went and bought that too and all it had was a tiny magnifying glass! What gives? Are these the games or did I make two bum buys in a row?
Oh lovely Dolores,
I have taken quite a shine to you and the letters you send me that smell like girls. Enclosed with my response you will find an autographed copy of the design document for Dungeon Keeper 3, which will never see the light of day until a CPU exists that can give each individual hobgoblin their own personality and complex thought processes that determine how often they ignore your commands!
But I realize your concern, and your misunderstanding is due to a printing error. Due to the astronomical success of Sega’s “lock-on” technology, I decided to make Peter Molyneux’s FlameScape and Ant Invasion work in conjunction to produce the most mind-shatteringly astonishing science fiction experience since Wing Commander: The Movie! Imagine this scenario: Magmo, a peaceful planet made of fire- Peaceful that is, until it’s overtaken by Antarchy! Show those ants who’s boss by using the power of magnification against them, or by making the terrifying creatures land on the planet they so wish to conquer (sweet irony)! Regrettably, EA did not use this exciting description and instead chose to stamp “CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATION: DO NOT USE” all over the box.
PS- Check out Peter Molyneux’s FlameScape II: Kerosene-Soaked Rags next fall!
Long time player, first time writer. I was out looking for sports toys for my son and I saw your name stamped on a baseball pitching machine. Being a fan of your games (especially Fable – I loved being free to shoot birds with a crossbow in both a fire level and an ice level), I snapped it up like Saigon cocaine. We took it home and installed it and pretty soon the thing was going crazy! It threw footballs and basketballs and even shot puts – I had to buy new windows after that one – but never once did it throw a baseball! What’s even crazier is that I loaded the damn thing and I didn’t put any footballs or basketballs or shot puts in there! Can you help me figure out what the hell is going on?!?!
Dear Class Action Lawsuit Member,
I admit that Peter Molyneux Presents: The American Pastime has a few bugs and caused many of our play-testers to die of massive brain hemorrhages from ballistic shotput injuries. But when I was given the opportunity to develop a machine that would simply toss baseballs, I told The Panthers (that’s what we call the team down here at Lionhead Studios) that it was time to think outside the box. And when they disagreed I fired them all. This is why most of our office space is now used to hold overstock from Sears. But it wasn’t until I was nearly crushed by a pallet of screen doors that I finally realized where to take this project. I would not only capture the American pastime, but also the American condition: fear and confusion. You may have noticed the smell of frying medium wafting from the back of the machine or perhaps have been scalded with the boiling oil which it sprays intermittently. This is what I understand being an American is like! And this time... the America is real.
Just got this in from the suits. Thought you’d get a kick out of it. Keep gamin’!
Mr. Broussard, my daddy wanted you to write him a letter to see if you would finish duke nukem forever. he says he will give you a million dollars. i am very hungry and the gas shut off and we had to eat my cat fluffkins because the car ran out of fuel and we couldn’t get more. my kitty didn’t taste good and he is crying in my tummy. daddy says 3d realms is rupturing money like your gut ruptures burritos and he’s tired of buying you burritos so please finish the game.
Hahah, what a little shit! Done when it’s done, man – no suit’s gonna talk me out of creating my masterpiece.
What up G-Man,
I saw you and Victor Ireland from Working Designs got arrested for sucking dick behind the Safeway again! You impoverished fucks! But even though you two siphoned gas out of my car on three separate occasions at the last E3, we geniuses gotta stick together. If times are tough, I could hook you guys up with some screen doors to sell or perhaps to build a fort out of so you don’t die of exposure. Or maybe Vic can hawk some of that Arc the Lad merchandise. That shit sure flew off the shelves, eh Vic?!
Fuck that starving kid, though. If that little bastard wanted to eat, maybe he should have gotten his little shit friends to buy Max Payne 2 instead of the latest putrid fecal matter to drip out of Hideo Kojima’s diseased asshole (more like Metal QUEER Solid right guys). He may meet the basic gamer needs of length, fun, and consistency, but we’re the ones to constantly dream up new and possibly exciting gameplay experiences. Sure, they’re never actually implemented, but I can’t think of anyone else who would design a game where if you die painful electronic shocks are administered to your testicles. We’re the dreamers, bro, and kickin’ the TBA lifestyle. Fuck the haters.
PS- If you have to cook and eat your shoes, which seasoning is best?
Is the world ready for Staind By Me, St@nd By e-Me, and Crank 3: Stand By Me?
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
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