I'm Zimmerman.Greetings, fellow crime-fighters -- I hope you guys in the back can hear me through the Batman mask. As your official Watch Captain, we now face one of the greatest challenges our gated community has seen since the illegal lemonade stand stand-off of '06 and the improper lawn height scandal that nearly brought our homeowners association to its knees last fall. Of course, I speak of teens.

Everyone, let's quiet down -- normally I'd fire off a few rounds but the kids are playing upstairs and I already grazed one of them at the playground yesterday for flagrant horseplay. No sense in adding insult to injury, right? Anyhow, I've seen plenty of youth offenders prowling our streets with their "book bags" and "iPods," and, frankly, I fear for the safety of our women and boats. Rest assured, I have "shadowed" many teens in recent weeks, and aside from their reluctance to obey the spoken orders of an ordained Watch Captain, I have noticed several behavioral patterns which require a drastic rethinking of our policies. Please keep the following in mind and be sure to toot on the nearest crime bugle should you witness any urban activity:

  • First, let me address the numerous complaints sent to my inbox: we are sticking with the crime bugles. Teens are adept at hacking, which you may have seen in the famous teen hacking movie, Hackers. That said, we CANNOT rely on phones or e-mail in the midst of a teen onslaught. Per our noise restriction policy, please limit bugle use after 4:30 P.M.
  • I have received several notices about keeping the Neighborhood Watch Crime Van within my garage, so I must again state that it is parked in front of my house deliberately for the purposes of intimidation. I did not get that mural of several vicious dogs painted on the side for kicks, people. And I find the UR DEAD1 license plate really cuts back on the tailgaters.
  • The following animals have been deemed a security risk and are now banned from this community: cats, dogs. You may collect their bodies from the burnable trash dumpster following this meeting.
  • Update: it turns out the intermittent blackouts on Maple Street last Tuesday were caused by a malfunctioning substation, not the Johnson family's evil powers. But, in case the cops follow up on this, we're going to stick with the story that an electrical fire burned their house down and salted the earth.
  • If anyone knows what happened to the man I was holding for questioning in my basement, please contact me. I think he's somewhere in the house and my wife is VERY upset about this.

The Good God Above shaped our state this way for a reason.

  • For the sake of easy access, please remember to leave those safeties OFF, people. Children heal remarkably fast and are quick learners at wheelchair.
  • KNOW YOUR GUN RIGHTS: the great state of Florida has granted us many liberties, and we need to take advantage of them. Remember that you are well within your rights to draw and fire should a stranger commit any of the following actions within the community:
  • breakdancing without permit, cardboard box
  • giving a weak, sexually threatening handshake
  • pretending to text as they walk by
  • exhibiting hostile belt or hat adjustment
  • wearing of a backwards baseball cap: the bandit mask of the 21st century
  • carrying Skittles and iced tea: key ingredients in the dangerous street drug known as "flunk"
  • exhibiting aggressive, unapologetic blackness
  • It is entirely possible to leave the house without first remembering to strap numerous guns to your body. And yes, I realize that the easygoing Floridian lifestyle combined with the crippling humidity has atrophied the important muscles used to fight off potential attackers. If you find yourself in such a situation, remember that a locked car is the tank of the suburban battlefield. Also note that, in Florida, the punishment for vehicular manslaughter is a 4-hour safety class where a traffic cop mostly complains about his ex-wife the entire time.
  • We will not be showing Judge Dredd again at this Friday's movie night, as dwindling attendance has indicated that nine consecutive weeks of Sylvester Stallone's finest hour might be too intense for some viewers. In closing, we will be cycling through the Death Wish series until the library finally lets me take out Straw Dogs again. See you then!

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

  • SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.