"Being objectified tickles!"
You are a college cutie. What is a college cutie? Let's turn back the cutie clock a few years and find out.
In high school, or possibly even middle school. All of your ugly friends ("late bloomers") were off developing personalities and character, a pastime which you found appallingly quaint. Fortunately, you were blessed with a cute face and pleasant curves, and the only kind of personal development you ever needed to worry about was the kind that jiggled when you ran.
The fat girls used conversation as a way to convey information or ideas, and develop meaningful and lasting relationships. They should have been using those mouths to develop eating disorders, because conversation exists exclusively for the purpose of gossip and the negotiation of sexual encounters. As a result of your lifelong quest to trade off all your self-esteem for semen and shame, you have likely developed a vocabulary that is stunted in all areas that aren't related to describing acts of depravity that would embarrass even the most stalwart pornographers. You know what that makes you? Terrific!
College is a big transition for most people, and it's perfectly normal to feel a little bit apprehensive and uncertain about it. You probably have a lot of questions you'd like to ask. Here are a few of the most common ones:
"Wait a second, I'm a human void! What am I doing at an institution for higher education?"
Good question! You got in to college because people find you physically attractive and will bend the rules for you in spite of the impossibility of respecting you as a human being. Additionally, your parents have money.
"Will I have to do any actual work? That could be a dealbreaker."
Most schools will require a demonstration of sincere academic commitment as a condition of enrollment. Like everything else in life, this applies only to unattractive people. If you employ the time-honored strategy of flirting with your professors and blatant academic fraud, you'll be walking across that stage in no time.
A few pointers on how to make that happen: Subtly push your breasts together when asking for extensions on assignments; make sure your pants are always lower than your thong; cheat off the Asians in your math classes, cheat off of anyone with a beard in your English and Philosophy classes.
In the unlikely event that you do receive a grade based on your work ethic and comprehension of the course material, you will need to become irate. Confront your instructor immediately and demand that he rectify the situation. If this does not work, get together with your girlfriends and tell them all what a pervert he is. Make vague and half-hearted references to filing a sexual harassment suit of some kind. Remember, the only reason you get bad grades is because your teachers want you to feel bad for not being born ugly like they were.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
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