I don't know what a Twitter or a Huffington is, so excuse me. I understand some of you on the social media machine are upset and talking about recent events.

My actions may have been misconstrued out of context and I am sorry if it offended anyone that I threw a cripple out of a wheelchair down a flight of stairs, referred to him as a dickless f-word and pissed onto his face after beating him senseless. This man was harassing me asking for my autograph in front of a white broad with huge tits and it was insulting. I reacted rashly and I apologize.

I also want to offer my sympathy for the three colored boys I drove over for looking at me with some ill intentions. I did not mean when I set out to drive my car over them, but things just escalated when they kept looking in my direction. I am sorry if anyone heard me say "n-words, I'll get you something to look at," this was not what I said and I find that word hurtful. My doctor had prescribed some gin for a wrist injury and I caught them looking at me when I came out of a bank. My level of intoxication also explains the need to urinate that might have resulted in the unfortunate follow-up to the accident. I hope we can all learn a lesson from this one.

I know there has been some talk on social media about the incident involving the cat. I did peg a grounder right into the fucked up head of a tomcat that wandered on the field. I love animals very much and I would never intentionally nail one right into a fucking cat's shitty f-word head and then throw its lifeless body at some f-word n-word kid with cancer like was written about me on the blogs.

I definitely did not call any of the other cancer kids f-words and I am sorry if that was what they heard. I was just trying to teach them something about respect. Normally I would not like to bust a cat's head with a bean ball, I'd just drown them in a bucket, but sometimes you gotta make do. Like when you sit down at a picture show and somebody let a colored in the theater. You going to ruin your whole night out with some slut just to wrap a pipe around some colored boy's head? No, you've got to be pragmatic.

In regards to stabbing f-word second baseman Ron Carrow with a screwdriver, I may have unwittingly brought a screwdriver onto the field. I was repairing some fence I put up to keep coons out of my backyard. I get sick of shooting coons with my pellet gun. I shoot them and then I've got to dig a hole. It's a pain in my ass. The screwdriver might have fallen out of my pocket when I was running to second base and it was just a misunderstanding is all that I plunged it repeatedly into the neck and face of Ron Carrow who is a dickless f-word and n-word lover piece of shit and highest order c-word n-word who regularly gets up to f-word follies anyway. Which I am sorry for.

The shooting of that police officer that was in the papers was a misunderstanding. I was coming out of a tug house with Alby Boots and it was dark and this copper was speaking in an Irish accent. I thought he was a loony trying to work me over for money or maybe grab me up like a f-word so I took out my Walther and I shot him twice. It must have been the sound of the gunshot that made some people mistakenly believe I said "Good, one less mick, now choke on my piss" when I was forced by the lack of a washroom to urinate nearby. Some of it may have inadvertently splashed onto the cop and I would never use a hateful term to refer to an Irish, a chink, n-word or any other race of whatever.

The thing about me beating an Indian with a barbell tied to a rope is just speculation. Someone said they had a photo of it, but I haven't seen one so I do not admit to that at all. Put it in the papers, if you got the balls for it. If I did it, and that's a big if, I am sorry I pissed on him afterward.

Yes, I put a snake in Wild Bill Donovan's dirty laundry. It's called a joke. I am sorry to his widow that it was an asp and not a regular snake like I requested from the snake charmer.

In regards to the colored maid I accidentally caught on fire when lighting a cross with gasoline while wearing a hood, this was not actually the sequence of events. The truth will come out on this one, but some wop attorney told me not to say bunk about it until I paid off the jury. I will just say I am glad she is recovering and nobody more than me wants all her lazy n-word babies to have a mom around. In regards to calling her the n-word, they use that word all the time and why am I not allowed to use it? That's the real racism here.

I did try to kill a gypsy. That I admit to. There are laws against vagrancy and all I ask is you look into them before you accuse me of some criminal action. That gypsy clearly was outside a business with less than a quarter in his pocket, which entitles me to throw a hatchet at him. Which missed his back and only hit his leg a little bit, so what are you all bawling about anyway?

Finally, to the Jews, I was probably drunk when whatever you heard was said and it was also taken out of context. I like the Jews. They're alright and deserve to live. As long as they aren't doing anything I have to see or in front of me and they stay away from whites, I am just fine with Jews. So, sorry to them if I suggested otherwise. I apologize for suggesting Jews are as bad as coloreds.

I hope this clears some things up and you all can stop talking about me on the social media. Get a life.


If you are in need of more horrifying racism, you can always head over to Zack's Facebook.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.

  • Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'

Copyright ©2015 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.