Log On to Virtual CyberDeath.com.org.die.blahblahblah

Oh no! Quick, everybody lock your doors and windows, pull your children out of school, and cut the cable to your modems! According to Kent State University police, the Internet is breeding millions of potentially evil criminals!

Police raid Verder dorm room, confiscate computer - Kent State University police raided a dorm room in Verder Hall Thursday over what they suspect was a possible computer crime. They executed a search and confiscated a computer, CDs and computer games from Room 304. Kent State University police obtained a warrant after consulting with the prosecutor. Police were alerted about the Web site when an employee of Residence Services found some suspicious files on the server. The students said the game was not affiliated with the Kent State University Web server at all and that the game was located on an independent server. The Web site, www.bledfordays.50megs.com, is the location of the student's computer game. The site includes a list of rules, rankings of members, allies and the enemies titled "the shit list."

Now I have no problem with Police raiding college students' dorms. Hell, I was in college once and I'm fairly certain that dorm rooms are where 93% of all unreported crimes in this country occur. The average underage college student possesses at least a few hundred thousand gallons of the cheapest and most vile alcohol ever created, at least nine pounds of weed, enough porn to choke a T1 (or their chicken, har har har), and so many mind-altering narcotics that Jerry Garcia's blackened corpse would weep a tear or two. Although it's difficult to deny that college students participate in plenty of illegal activities, it's even more difficult to deny that it's unwarranted. I mean, have you ever BEEN to college classes before? The basic intro-level course consists of approximately 14,000 students packed into one tiny lecture hall built during the Civil War, attempting to take notes from a mumbling, addled professor who was born during the Civil War. This wouldn't be so difficult in itself, but since the professor is usually older than God and consequently is engaging in the act of dying, his torso stays constantly bent over at a 45 degree angle and causes his face to be two inches away from the chalkboard. All his words and instructions come out mumbled and garbled to the point of no return, forcing his students to get stoned off their asses just so they may attempt to understand what the hell the professor is trying to teach.

For example, I had a Materials Science instructor back at Vanderbilt named George T. Hahn, a person who was old. I mean REAL old. DANGEROUSLY old. In the Great Cycle of Life, people generally age in the following order:

1. Young (baby)
2. Middle-aged (man)
3. Old (special incredible bonus discounts at Denny's)
4. Dead (corpselike)
Professor George T. Hahn (computer simulation)

Professor Hahn was so old that he completely broke the aging scale and went so far past step number four that he actually ended up back around step one again. He looked like a baby who had been dehydrated and placed in the desert for several months. Due to his ripe state of decay, his spine apparently began to buckle under the weight of gravity, forcing him to aim all lectures directly at the text he was writing. The blackboard, made of experimental alien material which was able to absorb all sound waves, made it impossible to hear a single word of his speech. Combine this with the fact that he apparently could only write in ancient hieroglyphic symbols and you've got a Material Science course which was almost impossible to pass. I won't even mention the fat girl who sat next to me and never stopped talking about "Highlander: The Series," so this course would've naturally driven any sane man into the warm, welcoming arms of hardcore narcotics.

As if this wasn't enough, and by God it most certainly was, Professor Hahn had this bizarre, foreign method of giving tests. He would distribute the infamous Scan-Tron grading sheets, but there would be one major difference with his "modified" sheets: each answer had about 26 blank boxes following it. The chances of getting a good grade on a test went down even further because it was near impossible to record the answer (if by some major miracle you were actually able to figure it out in the first place). Let me demonstrate how convoluted this testing system was:

EXAMPLE OF A NORMAL TEST:

1) Which mineral is not important in Polarized Light Microscopy of Asbestos?

A. cummingtonite-grunerite (choose "A" if you think this mineral is not important)
B. crocidolite (choose "B" if you think this mineral is not important)
C. tremolite-actinolite (choose "C" if you think this mineral is not important)
D. toothpaste (choose "D" if you think this mineral is not important)

Pretty simple and straightforward, isn't it? However, none of the tests in George T. Hahn's class were like this. Oh no. All rules were broken in this "no holds barred" Material Science bonanza of confusion!

EXAMPLE OF A GEORGE T. HAHN TEST:

1) Cadmium at 20°C is HCP. Using a value of 0.148 nm for the atomic radius of cadmium atoms, calculate a value for its unit-cell volume. Assume a packing factor of 0.74.

CHECKBOXES:
A. alignment (IF ANSWER IS ABOVE ZERO, LEAVE BLANK. IF ANSWER IS BELOW ZERO BUT "B" IS CHECKED AND "C" IS NOT CHECKED, PLEASE CHECK THIS)
B. power (IF ANSWER IS RAISED TO A CERTAIN POWER, CHECK THIS. IF POWER IS ABOVE 9, THEN DO NOT CHECK BOTH THIS AND "A")
C. first number in power (IF ANSWER IS NOT RAISED TO A POWER, LEAVE BLANK UNLESS "A" IS CHECKED AND "D" IS GREATER THAN 0. ASSUME FIRST NUMBER IS POSITIVE, UNLESS "A" IS CHECKED AND "D" IS GREATER THAN 5)

FILL IN THE BLANK BOXES:
D. first number in answer (ASSUME POSITIVE UNLESS FIRST THREE BOXES ARE CHECKED, IN WHICH CASE ANSWER IS NEGATIVE AND "B" IS ASSUMED TO BE A DOUBLE DIGIT ANSWER)
E. next three numbers in answer (ADD NEXT THREE NUMBERS TOGETHER AND WRITE THE TOTAL. IF TOTAL IS GREATER THAN "1", ADD THE NUMBER IN THE FIRST COLUMN TO THE ANSWER IN "D". IF ANSWER IS NEGATIVE, SUBTRACT EUROPE'S GROSS NATIONAL PRODUCT FROM ANSWER AND MULTIPLY BY YOUR WAIST SIZE)
F. location where decimal point is placed (IF THERE IS NO DECIMAL POINT AND YOUR LAST NAME BEGINS WITH A "L", ENTER "0". IF DECIMAL POINT IS LOCATED BEYOND THE FIRST FIVE NUMBERS, ENTER THE FIRST LETTER OF YOUR LAST NAME, UNLESS IT BEGINS WITH A "L", IN WHICH CASE YOU SHOULD ENTER THE FIRST LETTER OF YOUR MOTHER'S FIRST NAME, UNLESS YOUR MOTHER IS A FILTHY, FILTHY LITTLE WHORE)
G. bonus blank (TRIPLE WORD SCORE)

Is it any wonder that Police assume college students are criminals after they're forced to repeatedly take tests like this? So the mere act of raiding a college dorm room really isn't anything to be very surprised about. However, the circumstances which caused them to raid the students' dorm is quite unnerving; the Police acted on a tip of "suspicious files" from their Starcraft clan's website. Now I visited their webpage and went through every single awful link contained on the mess, and I think it's safe to say that this heap of graphical refuse is just like nearly every other clan page featured on SA's Clan Hell section. Horrible HTML skill, terrible graphic design, awful clan member names, and an unhealthy obsession with a goofy PC game are all common traits in these disasters. But honestly, somebody tell me how the heck the Police looked at this site, read the following section, and then were able to declare these goofy dopes a legitimate threat to college security?

BfD}Graffix420 (aka: {BfD}Wayne_X)

Patrick Barnes. 19 originally from Fairport NY, but now a Kent student. He enjoys mad hardcore metal tunes, Bacardi 151, sex, drugs, poker, and the beautiful Italian language.

A quick look around their site shows more of the same eye-melting crap that has grown synonymous with Internet clan pages. If the Police think the BfD website is full of potential criminals, wait until they're exposed to the countless other clan sites floating around the Internet like turds in a toxic waste dump. I'd imagine it's only a matter of minutes until the cops start busting down the door of every single teenager involved in a Quake 3 clan and tossing them in the slammer. I personally won't find myself arguing with their decision to do so, and in fact welcome the invasion; any method to get our kids to turn off their computers and start doing hardcore drugs like they're supposed to is fine by me. Consider it "pre-college education."

Cliff Yablonski Hates Mondays. And You.

Another Monday, another update from everybody's favorite senile old bastard, Cliff Yablonski. I'll bet you're almost as shocked and amazed as I was when I found out that Cliff has update with six new pages of people he just doesn't really like!

From: cliff yablonski
Subject: no goddamn subject you stupid program

hey halfwit

Ive updated my wonderful page with six new pages of people I hate. link to it or you'll die (sooner than I was planning on killing you).

goodbye, sucker

cliff

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.