I was sitting at my desk today, trying to figure out if I should refer to myself as a "loser geek" or a "repulsive nerd" in a personal ad I was filling out, when a terrifying thought washed over me like a cloud of water in a sea of fish: what if I actually got married and had kids someday?Don't get me wrong, I think kids are great. For example, I was on a plane ride back from Christmas vacation and I talked the whole way with the kid next to me, teaching him how to play Super Mario Brothers and lamenting together over the decline of the Pokemon franchise in general, when we got in a heated argument over whether it's better to be an alien or a ghost. The conversation went a little something like this (I'm not making this up, I swear to god):
Kid: "I'd rather be an alien than a ghost. Then I could shoot people with lasers." (this kid had incredibly violent tendencies, almost every idea he had involved people getting hurt)
Me: "Nah, I'd rather be a ghost. Aliens get captured by the government and get cut up and stuff."
Kid: "I heard a story once about a ghost who rose from his grave and choked a kid to death." (see what I mean?)
Me: "No way! Ghosts can't hurt people, they're transparent. They're see-through. If they tried to choke you then their hands would go right through you. That's why you only feel the wind when a ghost is running by."
Kid: (thinking for a minute) "If a ghost can't grab on to anything, how does it dig itself out of its grave?"
Me: "Ghosts float through stuff, they don't need to be able to grab anything. You're thinking of zombies, they're different. Besides, ghosts never hurt people, they're just there to scare people and tell them not to move into this house because the property taxes are high and stuff."
Kid: "But what if you ate a ghost?"
Me: "What? You can't eat a ghost."
Kid: "It's better to be an alien. Have you ever heard of the… um… Abnormal Snowman? He takes seals and he hits them over the head with a club and then he eats them."
Me: "ARE YOU NUTS? He's a nice guy! He helps drowning seals and he picks them up and he pets them and he says, 'I love you seal! I saved you from drowning!' Why are you so violent?"
Kid: "I know! Egyptians are really aliens!" (laughs hysterically)
So kids are great. I've got no problem with kids; I obviously can relate to them pretty well since my maturity level is only a few notches higher then theirs and I'm big enough to knock them over when I throw a kickball at their head. The problem is what'll happen when my kids get older and decide to search the Internet using my name. Then my past will catch up with me:12-year-old punk son: "Hehe… hey Fragmaster the fagmaster… hehe."
Me: "Shut up! It's a damn good thing I only have custody of your sorry ass for three months of the year. How'd you find out about my lame Internet past?"
12-year-old punk son: "Googlehoo has a huge-ass cache. It's bytetaculasome!" (Those are cool 2020's era catchphrase, remember, this conversation takes place the future) "I was reading all this terrible stupid shit you wrote when you were a kid. You've got all these terrible drawings and all this stuff about old dumb games I've never heard of and these TERRIBLE, scary-ass MP3's that just caused me to lose what little shred of respect I had left for you. Here, let me read you this entertaining excerpt you wrote on somebody's forums, requesting more rips of Jennifer Love Hewitt movies. I printed it out on CyBerPaper200!"
Me: "Give me that!" (stands up to snatch paper away) "OW! MY HIP!" (drops back into Internet La-Z-Boy recliner, in terrible pain)
12-year-old punk son: "You suck shit dad. Lamer. Cya later, I'm off to cyberskate with the GrindersPhunkPhreak gang!"
So think about all this when you're in the forums, posting stories about how you and your ex-girlfriend had a threesome with a pumpkin before getting sCr00f3d by a winnuke client or whatever the hell you forum people talk about. Think "is this something I'll show off proudly to my kids and grandkids years from now?" Then comfort yourself in the fact that you're being paranoid and there's no way your kids would ever even remotely care about something you wrote twenty years before because they'll be too busy downloading holographic-virtual-sex-simulator-farm-clones and playing Cliffy B Presents Unreal Tournament 16: The Whole Think Pink Stink. Thank God.
Eating Human Flesh is Positively Sublime!
This past week has been a rough one for even occasional television watchers, as television spots promoting the upcoming cinema-movie "Hannibal" have positively blanketed the airwaves. No channel or program was safe from the studio's relentless marketing blitz. Director Ridley Scott even showed up on "Sesame Street" to promote the movie. Here's a transcript:Ah ha! I am an elderly people person! People eater, that is! Haha, dark humour!Cookie Monster: "'C' is for cookie! Yum yum! And kids, your parents aren't getting divorced because of you, no matter what anyone says!"
Ridley Scott: "Haha! Don't lie to the kids, Cookie Monster. And speaking of the letter 'C,' remember to ask whoever currently has custody of you to drag your whiney ass to the theater so you can 'C' 'Hannibal,' a Ridley Scott film! I made 'Blade Runner' and 'Gladiator' and 'Alien' too, so buy those on DVD!"
Big Bird: "Did you not also direct '1492: Conquest of Paradise' as well? OOOH, MY EGGS!"
Ridley Scott: "Buy my DVDs! You muppets are scary as hell!"
Maybe I'm just weird, but spending two hours with Sir Anthony Hopkins isn't my idea of a good time. I don't want to clean your dentures, I don't want to see your movie, and I don't care that you were knighted by some limey-ass Queen whose inbred offspring are constantly in the tabloids for some inane reason or another. Now based on the ads for this movie I've seen and my total lack of knowledge in regards to "Silence of The Lambs", here's my adapted abridged screenplay to save you all time and money:SCENES 1-38
Hannibal: "It is scary because I eat people."
Woman who was Jodie Foster but is now Julianne Moore: "I see. How do you feel about this? I want to help you because you are old and seem harmless until you escape."
Hannibal: "Perhaps I will eat YOU. Therein lies the suspense. Will I succeed in eating you or will I not do so? The shocking surprise ending will reveal all!"
Woman who was Jodie Foster but is now Julianne Moore: "You are creepy Anthon… Hannibal! Please do not eat me."
(close up of a skull being torn open and Hannibal cooking it on the stove while pouring in some kind of weird beans only fruity French cooks use. Hannibal says something darkly humorous, like "Now this is what I call Brain Food!")
If Something Awful's Film Division ever gets off the ground (we kinda don't have a video camera), we'll show those Hollywood big-shots how to make movies that the INTERNET PEOPLE want to see. HINT: they all involve a geek with a gun sneering "AOL? That is sucks all your base are belong to us roofle owned scrubs yams yams YUO=FAGOT first post fire the laser A/S/L LOL on AOL!"
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.