NORAD Tracks Santa 2005, submitted by me. Let me get this right, every Christmas Eve these guys supposedly track Santa Claus' sleigh using a massive system of radars? I'm going to have to go ahead and call bullshit on that one. You can't track Santa on radar for one painfully obvious reason: he has magic that counters such technology. Sorry, guys. Nice try. Also, if this picture is recent:
I think we need to set up an intervention about his apparent destructive habit of rolling around in car wax. Are you reading this, Santa? Come on man, you're starting to look like a character from Perfect Dark Zero or something. Get your act together. If for no other reason, do it for the kids.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
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