Wow, what a miracle. The government is figuring out a method to give everyone a little extra spending money. I love spending money; it's much better than saving money, stare-at money, and the money I'm using to wallpaper my bathroom. Everyone's riled up over the news, and they should be. Hell, I'd be excited too if I wasn't already receiving government checks from my neighbor's mailbox. The old lady's got no idea where her social security checks are going. The main difference is that this time the check will have my name on it, which means no fake driver's license, no wearing that mask I made out of potato skins to the bank, and no more wearing adult diapers for the sake of getting into character. Just me and a $300 check with my name on it. But what do I spend it on?
I've become so used to being poor that I've forgotten how to splurge. The last frivolous purchase on my credit card was paying off the debt to another credit card. Maybe I could finally get working windshield wipers, and with this kind of money, I could even get someone to install them-I'll even buy them a White Castle's Crave Case. Or maybe I could buy something to improve my life, like a job.Frankie, years before his great sex toy invention
Actually, no, never mind. I'll just get something that'll look cool and sexy in my apartment. I want an item that makes the room so sexy that anyone who knocks on my door forgets to demand for their money. What I need is The Love Machine, an animatronic sex seat that brings the fun of Whac-a-Mole to your orifices. Here is a picture littered with artificial penises. The little Chuck-e-Cheese reject only costs $299. Perfect.
So I know what I want to buy, but what about people who don't know where to lose their money? Is there a site that can help? Yes. LoyalTV
Most people don't know where to spend their money. In an economic crunch like this, you want to make sure you get something good. But you got to be careful out there. It can be difficult making opinions about products on your own.
Imagine you're in the store. You're hungry and you want some cereal. You walk down the isle and see row after row of boxes. You can't decide if you want sugar or oats, chocolate or marshmallow. Do you trust the frog or the captain? When you think it can't get any more stressful, you notice the generic brands. You freak out, and a clerk restocking the strawberry jam notices your cold body hanging from the ceiling. Your parents' lawsuit blaming the cereal companies for your inability to decide gets thrown out, leaving them homeless due to court charges.
"If there was a place for my child to hear mundane opinions on mundane products, my son would be alive." Papa says to the volunteer spooning free soup into his bowl.
That's where LoyalTV comes in, and it's everything your father dreamed of before he died of advanced syphilis.
LoyalTV is like Youtube, but the videos are about products. That sounds boring, but the website's secret is its ability to get the perfect combination of opinions and breasts.
It's a site where people directly advertise shit to others WITHOUT corporate America's greedy biased claws or their desire to make sense. We are all now truly connected to one another, and free from oppression... right? Well, sort of. The reviews on the site rarely go beyond, "I love this makeup because it is a pretty color red." If the reviewer goes any deeper, they end up disagreeing with him or herself. "I like Coca Cola because it is sooooooo healthy," she says, turning the can to read the label, "Oh wow. 39 grams of sugar, that's pretty bad... Oh well, just go with it baby!"
LoyalTV has mixed a lot of things from this list I made.
Chewing With Mouth Open
Advice from strangers
Home Videos on Youtube
People Reading Food Labels on Film
Edit: List meant to be labeled "Least Favorite Things." I apologize for any misunderstanding. -IG
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.