In this Something Awful exclusive, learn what's going through the mind of America's 65-year-old multi-millionaire comeback kid as he prepares for a captive nation eager to collect their Halo 4 avatar awards for sitting through hours of non-answers and patronizing smirks.
We've come up with some last minute dos and don'ts for tonight. A major "DO" on your list should be to wash that Brylcreem out of your hair, because the Republican Party doesn't need another Barry Goldwater incident -- guy's head went up like a crème brulee under those studio lights in '64.
- The Koch Brothers have asked that you tug violently on both earlobes at some point during the debate in order to acknowledge them in some way. David has stated that he "had better see blood," but we all know how David is.
- If you should bring up airlines again in any sort of humorous context, please remember that most Americans don't have the gumption to work their way up to earning special in-flight features such as bottle service or bidet attendants. Simply make a joke about getting your nail clippers taken away by a TSA agent, then immediately thank our brave fighting men who make your lack of nail clippers possible.
- Just in case the 1983 dog carrier incident is referred to, please inform your opponent that a Heritage Foundation study has recently determined that one in fifty dogs enjoys and can indeed survive being strapped to the top of a car for 12 hours, with only minimal reports of stress-based diarrhea, vomiting, and suicidal bloodletting.
- We have arranged for a series of successively large needles to jab you violently in the lower spine when recalling an anecdote about your average American, who, through sheer pluck and moxie, found success in this country as a small businessman. Don't worry: the liquid that will be streaming from your eyes is called "tears" and will evaporate shortly.
- Please, we advise against using such terms as "harvesting," "corpse-picking," and "prole-fucking" in any discussion about Bain Capital. If your opponent asks about the infamous Bain photo in which your colleagues were literally stuffing money into their mouths, please explain you were testing the bills for poison before dropping them off at a local charity.
- Should your opponent inquire about your offshore bank accounts, respond by saying you were simply holding the money "for a friend." If he persists, tell him a bigger adult made you do it, then look sheepishly at the floor as you rock back and forth on your feet.
- The moderator is merely a formality; feel free to talk minutes over your allotted time, respond to a question that wasn't asked, hold your opponent down and forcibly cut his hair, etc.
- Your opponent may ask why your Massachusetts health care plan resembles his own so greatly. Look directly into the camera and state: "Maybe the folks at home can solve this mystery!" Like with Lost, viewers are willing to dismiss glaring inconsistencies if given a topic of endless discussion to help dull the pain of reality.
- We know Obama's stance on Pentagon funding can be considered "niggardly." We have given you a thesaurus to assist in delivering this statement with a little more creatively. Challenge yourself!
- Through creative categorization, we have determined that 96% of Americans own a small business. Run with this.
- We have provided your lectern with a comically large "Obama Phone" that you should take out and "answer" during one of your opponent's replies. If recognition of this meme does not get a rise out of the audience, its fate upon meeting a giant sledgehammer certainly will. (Note: giant sledgehammer will be located adjacent to Jim Lehrer's open Styrofoam cooler of Coors Light.)
- Possible zinger: "Simpson Bowles? Shouldn't O.J. Simpson be in jail rather than racking up 7-10 splits?" We find that topical humor tracks well with racists, which make up 83% of your voting base.
- Please mention your love of Big Bird before propositioning to starve him (her?) to death.
- When in doubt, salute aggressively towards the sky.