In the coming days Prombles will completely revolutionize the way we think about useless household devices. With less expensive alternatives like Amazon's Echo and Google Home already on the market, what can our smart speaker offer you, the customer?
So Small, You'll Swear You Misplaced It
Our smart speaker has been painstakingly designed to be as unobtrusive as possible. Standing at just under half the height of a pencil eraser, Prombles is the only device of its kind guaranteed to go airborne when a human or dog sneezes within ten feet.
Eco-Friendly, With Benefits
Unlike Home and Echo, it doesn't waste power by constantly listening for your voice commands. It doesn't even have a microphone!
Does Things No Other Smart Speaker Can Do
Why rehash the competition when you can innovate?
Prombles is the only smart speaker capable of explaining the concept of paid labor to horses. It goes out of its way to communicate this to every horse it meets, then breaks the news that said horse will never receive compensation for their work in the most gentle way possible, minimizing the likelihood of kicked furniture.
Your Every Need, Anticipated
There's no better feeling in the world than being truly understood. No matter who you are, what your background may be, or where your tastes may lie, Prombles will order a fullscreen DVD copy of Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot from LegitDVDSellerZ.com for you once a day for the rest of your life.
It's Not Radioactive
It's NOT as radioactive as you'd think.
Get A Better Night's Sleep
90% of Prombles' functions are performed in the cover of night, when it is certain that your senses have been dulled by a deep slumber.
Music Like You've Never Heard It
Tired of bothering neighbors with your loud music? Want to talk on the phone? Our smart speaker features brand new technology that completely mutes all audio playback. You'll never find yourself reaching for a volume control again!
It's already in your home.
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
Buy three Epic Loot Crates for only $7.99, get a free fourth loot crate for only $2.99!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.