Jonathan Lee Bertram, better known as the Utah Carpenter for his use of a claw hammer as his primary killing tool, was apprehended two days after attending a speed dating seminar at the Salt Lake City Convention Center. His encounters with ten different women were recorded by various security cameras and filled in by various eyewitness accounts.


Trina
Hi, my name is Trina, I'm a Scorpio.

John
I'm John and I. AM. THE. SCORPION.

Trina
I mean like the star chart. It's my sign. I'm a Scorpio.

John
Sign of the scorpion. It leads the way, through red ruin and warm inside parts. Tell me the way scorpion, show me the path.

Trina
I don't-

John
I don't...aren't. What does the inside of your heart taste like?

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!


Lizzy Beth
Hi, I'm Elizabeth, but my friends call me Lizzy.

John
I have a pit I call my bone pit. What I don't want the crows take.

Lizzy Beth
Oh, I like birds!

John
I used everything, like the Indians. Not much left for the birds.

Lizzy Beth
That's too bad. What do you feed your birds then?

John
Opening a jaw is like prying apart two boards that've been nailed together. Just work the hammer in and-

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!


Anna
Hey. My-

John
Don't talk. I want to smell you first.

Anna
Oh, okay...I guess. It's-

John
Hush. Hush up. You try but you can't hide the stink. It's in the air and heavy like smoke. It stings me like an ember in my eye. I'm crying. Oh, Jesus, I'm crying.

Anna
I can lea-

John
My eyes...I'm...give me yours. I WANT THOSE.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!


John
You are cute as a button. Just like my first.

Rachel
That's so sweet. I think you're a bit old, but I appreciate it.

John
I named her Clara cuz I never asked before. I put her in my mouth and then she was inside me and through me. She's with me now, in my hair and fingernails. I don't trim them because I want her to stay with me.

Rachel
If you're just coming off a long term relationship maybe this isn't the best kind of thing for you.

John
She was just like you. Soft. She looked at me when I took her and we shared this perfect moment where-

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!


Nancy
Heya! I'm Nancy, I like punk rock music and bicycling.

John
Nancy I am John and I like the way blood tastes and I bet you are full of blood.

Nancy
H-Ha ha?

John
Open the carotid with a slice and press my lips to it and drink deep of your hot heart's wine. Hold you while you still. Still child. Still.

Nancy
Oh my god.

John
The hammer judges you, not me. I love you all. I AM THE SCORPION!

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!


Ginger
Hey there, I'm Ginger. I heard you say you are the scorpion? Nicknames are so cool. Is that like a sports nickname?

John
Sports? Sports?! I was given my name by a higher power.

Ginger
That's cool, I'm into Jesus and all that stuff.

John
Ginger, be at my side. Be with me when the fire comes for us all. Cut me with your tongue and I will cut you with my hand. Divide me as I will divide you. Mixed and mingled, parts inseparable.

Ginger
Hehehe, you are so cool. You are like my grandpa, but hot.

John
You will be the bride and your groom, my knife, will take you on the dappled grass. Give birth, beautiful Ginger, to the salvation.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!


John
GINGER BACK...Ginger GET BACK HERE!

Vera
Ummm...hi, I'm Vera.

John
Vera-Ginger, you are the new flesh.

Vera
Just Vera. So what sort of stuff are you into?

John
Fork and knife and claw and blade. Hammer and tong, Ginger. I am a smith, an artisan. An artist! I paint my pictures on the soft canvas of little girls with brushes of hair and pigments drawn from marrow. You are a dove. A lamb. May I capture your portr-

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!


Carol
Hi, I'm Carol.

John
I want to choke you with a belt, rape you and fill you with my love. I want to open your face and watch you fly away.

Carol
Ooh, kinky stuff. I like the whips and chains.

John
I'll put you in a hole in my basement. You'll drink my piss and eat what passes through me. I'll call you dog, but you'll be a bad dog, won't you Carol?

Carol
Oh yeah, I will be real bad. Are you going to punish me?

John
No. The hammer will punish you, the hammer will reap its harvest, I simply make it swing. Now place your temple on the table and-

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!


Rita
My name's Rita, what's your name?

John
My name is Rita, too. Just not yet. Not yet. Help me make it Rita.

Rita
Your name tag says John.

John
Don't trust anything you read. Look, I've underlined 107,532 factual errors in this telephone book. Now you tell me who is the stupid one.

Rita
I...I wasn't calling you stupid.

John
Let's just pretend that my name is "Help!" so you can call it all night long tonight. I will-

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!


Julie
Hello. My name is Julie, I-

John
No fat chicks.

Julie
Excuse me?

John
No fat chicks. And what are you, like 50?

Julie
I'm 49, for your information, and I think you are-

John
BZZZZZT! Oh, did you hear the buzzer? Because I heard the buzzer. BZZZZZZZT! There it is again. You'd better get going, Lardstyle, because I'm fit to-

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!



Ginger and Bertram were found in a Best Western in Sand City, Utah. Although Ginger was uninjured she was found to be legally married to Bertram's hammer, although this was later annulled when investigators realized she had also married his buck knife earlier in the day. The wedding had not been consummated, although many believe it has since been made official during Ginger's frequent supervised visits with Bertram.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.