As mentioned in Tuesday's update, we have recently become disenfranchised with the James Bond series of movies, assuming "recently" means "like for the last 14 years." I don't know it's the cliched plots, the cliched gadgets, the cliched sexual innuendos, the cliches puns / plays on words, or the cliched "this movie has been made 50-fucking-million times already" feel, but we feel the Bond franchise is pretty much running on steam alone at this point. Luckily we here in Something Awful headquarters, located near the scenic luxury lava pit beneath raging Mount Doom, are not ones to endlessly bitch about something and then fail to do anything to remedy it. With this in mind, let us present to you our non-abridged screenplay for our upcoming Bond-breaking spy hit, "The Spying Game." We've tried to integrate all crucial elements of previous James Bond films into our movie while leaving out all that unnecessary crap such as "dialogue" and "continuity" because that shit just slows us down.
"THE SPYING GAME"
A Something Awful Feature Film, Copyright 2002 Something Awful and Bloody Ferret Productions
Don't Steal Our Movie Idea Or Else We'll Jam Forks In Your Eyes
The Delivererier is at the top of his game. The game of intrigue! Chase "The Delivererier" Ricochet - Professional spy working for an organization so top secret that the acronym for their department changes hourly, just to confuse the bad guys. Chase is a handsome, muscular man with a permanent five o'clock shadow (which was installed on his face by the spy organization years ago). Although Chase is a no-nonsense spy with a heart of gold, he has an uncanny romantic ability to sweep women off their feet without employing the use of automatic gunfire or roofies. His nickname of "The Delivererier" was given to him by his mentor, Benjamin Broad, who once witnessed Chase "deliver death" to an enemy spy who was delivering classified secrets to a terrorist organization. When Chase was eight years old, both his parents were killed in a freak boating accident: they were walking through a mall when a boat fell on them. An EVIL SPY boat.
Headmaster Chauncy B. Higgenswallow - Leader of "GI13MULE," the spy organization which employs Chase and a number of other super secret spies, all of which either get killed or are absolutely ineffective each movie. His levelheaded, objective approach to hostile situations gives him an edge over his enemies, many of whom hate freedom / God / the Earth / everything.
Barbara Tittenfield - Although the continuous object of Chase's desires, Barbara refuses to be swept off her feet by his manly and effusive persona. After engaging in sexual intercourse with 23 women each movie, Chase always comes back to Barbara and gets rebuffed in the form of a witty dialogue involving many transparent puns. Nobody is really sure what Barbara's position within "GI13MULE" is, but in one scene she's shown typing a letter, so maybe she's a secretary or something else that a woman would be able to do.
Professor ~ - Professor ~, whose name is pronounced "Professor Tilday," is so secretive that his entire name has been replace with an ASCII character. He provides Chase with crafty yet impossible gadgets, such as the Poison Shoehorn, Heat-Seeking Fireball, and Whale Inseminating Colostomy Manual.
Erik Heinrich - An evil supergenius who is always up to sinister schemes, such as turning the ocean into lava or turning lava into the ocean. No matter evil deed he sets his mind upon, he always ends up using lasers and satellite dishes to accomplish his goals. If he runs out of satellites, he uses his secret moon base. If his moon base is down for maintenance, then he takes some of his vacation time and visits his mom in Akron, Ohio, who he meets for the sole purpose of beating her into a coma with a tire iron.
SCENE 1: Some jungle somewhere, maybe in Vietnam or Puerto Rico, whichever has more lenient child labor laws.
An Arab, Chinaman, and Russian are patrolling outside a large stone fortress. They each have automatic weapons, knives, grenades, and a horribly tacky iron-on armpatch feature the logo of a cat's face with blood coming out of its eyes, hovering above an upside down cross, next to an American flag with a big X across it. For some reason, they all speak perfect English.
ARAB: "Those Westerners better not try any funny stuff, such as send a Western spy to infiltrate our chemical weapons plant."
CHINAMAN: "Yes, the plant we are currently guarding."
RUSSIAN: "Yes, we must protect this plant with our lives or else Emperor Mao Stalin will have us thrown into the vat of lactic acid!"
(Cut to Chase Ricochet floating above the foliage with a hang glider in red, white, and blue. He leaps off the hang glider and attaches a snowboard to his shoes in midair, landing directly on a patch of jungle snow which leads directly downhill to the patrolling enemies)
ARAB: "We must be on the lookout for cunning Western spies." (He, along with the other two guards, get their heads sliced open when Chase skies past them holding out a giant Ninja sword that also shoots bullets when need be)
CHASE: "You should've been on the lookout for CUTTING spies!" (Looks at camera and smirks. Suddenly gunfire erupts from the chainguns above the fortress, and everything within a 30-mile radius of Chase is shot to pieces except him because he had the clever idea of hiding behind a rock shaped like a tree) "I sure hope this isn't a no-smoking zone!" (Throws smoke grenade, allowing him to somehow sneak through the front door without anybody seeing him)
SCENE 2: Interior of Chemical Fortress.Mao Stalin received that scar on his face from playing a game. The game of danger!Emperor Mao Stalin is crossing a walkway above his evil vats of evil lactic acid, accompanied by hundreds of evil guards who all wear identical outfits.
EMPEROR STALIN: "Soon our biological weapons will be ready and we shall sell them to the highest bidder! And, naturally, the highest bidder will be some squalid, bankrupt, third-world Communist nation because those are the only guys who ever want to purchase weapons!"
(Suddenly the door explodes and Chase rolls in. He avoids the gunfire from enemy soldiers by kind of moving a little to the left and doing this cartwheel or something. He shoots every single one of them, including the guards standing directly behind Emperor Stalin, without ever hitting Emperor Stalin. His vats of chemical weapon juice start to detonate for no apparent reason.)
EMPEROR STALIN: "Oh no, my precious biological weapon fuel! No!"
CHASE: "Looks like you're going to have to chemi-call yourself a doctor after this encounter, Stalin!" (He shoots the railing next to Emperor Stalin's feet, causing it to collapse and send him falling into a vat of lactic acid)
EMPEROR STALIN: "Wait, I don't get it, chemical myself a doctor? That doesn't even make any sense! Oh wait, you put the pronunciation on the word 'call,' I guess that does make sense, and now is the time that I scream while I fall to my death, AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" (Falls into acid, which begins bubbling and foaming because Emperor Stalin had a whole bunch of Rolaids in his pockets)
CHASE: "Hope that was easy for you to digest, Stalin! Now it's time for me to leave, and there better not be any stallin'." (Climbs onto ladder which suddenly fell through the broken skylight above. Chase is lifted up by a GI13MULE helicopter which flies away while the chemical fortress suddenly explodes over and over and over again from many different angles, often in slow motion)
SCENE 3: Interior of GI13MULE headquarters.
There are many high tech machines at work in the background, including those computers which have all the blinking lights and the blenders that can go in reverse. GI13MULE workers are punching buttons on walls, keyboards, and each other, shortly before moving to a new location and repeating the same procedure. One employee is staring intently at a sheet of daisy-chain paper.
HEADMASTER CHAUNCY: "Well done, Chase, you successfully shut down the illegal chemical weapons trade by blowing up Emperor Mao Stalin's headquarters in the previous scene. No longer will we have to fear sitting down to eat dinner and suddenly dying!"
CHASE: "Unless, of course, we're eating Miss Tittenfield's cooking!" (Everybody except Barbara Tittenfield laughs for roughly 30 minutes)
BARBARA: "It's a shame you'll never get to eat out with me, Chase."
HEADMASTER CHAUNCY: "Quit dicking around, you two, we've got an important situation on our hands. It seems as if the rich supergenius Erik Hienrich has been spotted at various Home Depots across America, buying tools that could only be used to construct a gigantic orbiting laser cannon of some sort!"
CHASE: "Didn't he build like nine of those last year alone?"
HEADMASTER CHAUNCY: "Yes, and you managed to destroy nine of them last year, what's your point?"
CHASE: "My point is that I'll need some gadgets to help me foil his caper this time!"
HEADMASTER CHAUNCY: "So go to Professor ~, he's got some very exciting tools for you!"
CHASE: "I've got a very exciting tool for Miss Tittenfield!"
BARBARA: "If you don't leave right now, I'm filing sexual harassment charges."
SCENE 4: Interior of Professor ~'s Lab
Gadgets lie strewn across the room, ranging from hats that knives come out of them, to axes which have knives come out of them. Professor ~ is polishing a mailbox.
CHASE: "Hello Professor! What do you have in store for me today?"
PROFESSOR: "Oh well if it isn't the Delivereriery! I've got a handful of great inventions for you!" (Points to mailbox) "See this mailbox? It looks like an ordinary mailbox, doesn't it?"
CHASE: "Why yes it does, I believe I'll just reach into there and get my mail..." (Moves arm over to open mailbox. Professor ~ immediately stops him)
PROFESSOR: "Not so fast, Chase, for this is no normal mailbox!" (As if on cue, which it was, the mailbox front opens and a knife flies out, embedding itself in the corkboard wall across the room) "This is the Mark 7 Knife Mailbox! It picks up infrared, ultraviolet, and uh, retroactive signals and then shoots a knife at them!"
CHASE: "Genius! What else do you have?"
PROFESSOR: (Hands him a cardboard box) "Eh, here you go, there's a bunch of shit in there. Poison gas pants, missile shoes, laser dentures, anti-aardvark necklace, X-ray sunglasses, a gun which shoots something called 'bullets,' and a bunch of other crap that I can't remember. Oh yes, and here are the keys to a new car, it has a lot of buttons inside which do a lot of things, all of which you innately know. Also, here is a laser wristwatch. Please do not lose it like you invariably do in every movie, Chase."
CHASE: "Thanks, time to get to business!" (Hops in car and drives out of room)
PROFESSOR: "Oh wait, I think I gave you the cyanide dentures, not the laser ones. Eh, I don't care."
SCENE 5: Interior of Cocaine Production Plant
Horribly filthy Mexicans are monitoring large mounds of cocaine travel down a very long assembly line. Armed guards pace back and forth amongst the huge packing crates which are scattered around the warehouse for no good reason. A fat Mexican man wearing a Hawaiian shirt is sitting at a desk in the middle of the room, counting a gigantic stack of one-million dollar bills.
EVIL MEXICAN DRUG BARON: "Ah, money, the currency of the world! What could be more valuable than money?"Chance doesn't take any chances when it comes to high speed games. The high speed games of espionage!CHASE: "You've got yourself a deal. But before I go, let me leaving a little calling card which will cause your plans to go up in smoke." (Places a bunch of cards made from C4 on the numerous piles of drugs and drug money.) "You're going to find yourself in an explosive situation soon."
MEXICAN HENCHMAN: "I don't know boss, what?"
EVIL MEXICAN DRUG BARON: "Why, even MORE money! Bwaaahahahahhaa!" (Both he and his henchman laugh for 93 minutes, at which point the ground suddenly erupts and Chase Ricochet suddenly comes flying through the concrete floor, suddenly shooting automatic weapons with both hands and killing guards, henchmen, workers, set designers, people in other movies, aliens, etc. There is a huge shootout in which bullets bounce off metal things and cause sparks as well as that "pwwwing" sound. Eventually Chase kills everybody but the Drug Baron)
CHASE: "Greetings, Javier! Do you have any time to SHOOT the breeze with me?" (Points to his gun, just in case any audience members were too stupid to pick up on that pun)
EVIL MEXICAN DRUG BARON: "Oh no! Chase Ricochet! I'll tell you anything you want, just as long as you don't kill me!"
CHASE: "You'd better tell me everything I want or else I'll kill you."
EVIL MEXICAN DRUG BARON: "Okay okay! Please, just don't kill me!"
CHASE: "Get talking and get talking fast; I want to know where Erik Hienrich's secret base in the Australian desert is, and what day he's planning that activating his moon laser cannon on Monday, July 23rd!"
EVIL MEXICAN DRUG BARON: "Please, I'll tell you anything! He has a secret base in the Australian desert, and his moon laser cannon will be activated on Monday, July 23rd! Don't kill me!"
EVIL MEXICAN DRUG BARON: "Why? Oh wait, yeah, because of the exploding cards." (Chase jumps into his invisible jetcar and flies / drives away right before everything explodes and the Drug Baron's money catches fire.) "Oh, my money, my precious, precious money!" (Drug Baron's hair catches fire.) "Oh, my hair, my precious, precious hair!" (Drug Baron's barn catches fire.) "Oh, my barn, my precious, precious barn!"
(Chase drives through the jungle and then sees a beautiful Mexican woman hitchhiking in the middle of nowhere. He stops and rolls down the window.)
CHASE: "My dear lady, you seem to be dripping with heat and moisture!"
MEXICAN MODEL: "What can I say? El heat is on." (She says the word "el" to demonstrate how foreign she is)
CHASE: "Let's cool things down and then heat them up a bit, shall we?" (They start having sex in the jungle, under a tree which contains many exotic tropical birds, none of which live natively in Mexico)
SCENE 6: The Australian Desert
Chase is driving through the wilderness at 400 miles an hour. His onboard computer, which is currently displaying every variable in the world, shows a closeup image of Erik Hienrich's secret headquarters, which is build in a giant mountain disguised as a giant rock masquerading as a large secret headquarters. Suddenly a bunch of dune buggies and jeeps come out of nowhere. They are all firing machineguns, missiles, flamethrowers, atom bombs, and various other things at Chase.
CHASE: "Looks like I'll have to put the pedal to the metal; I have no time to play pole position with these boys. Time to blow them to carmageddon." (A somewhat long action sequence takes place, in which Chase uses a different weapon to destroy each vehicle. He blows up a Land Rover with a guided missile, detonates a Jeep with autocannon fire, causes a Lincoln Continental to crash into a rock by covering it with flaming tar, tricks a Ford Explorer into driving off a cliff by projecting an illusion of another car in front of it, and various other crap which involves Global Position Satellites and other way cool things. He drives up to Hienrich's secret base and gets out of the car, looking up at the big stone mountains.) "It's time to rock and roll, Erik."
SCENE 7: Interior of Heinrich's Secret Base
The same extras from SCENE 3 are running around, hitting buttons and pretending to do things, but they're now wearing blue jumpsuits with the evil insignia on them. Erik walks into the room and puts his hand on the shoulder of a burly man who has his face obscured from the camera.
ERIK: "How long until my moon laser is operational?"Stalin's post-acid face is great for poker but even better for another game. The game of evil!EMPEROR STALIN: "Muuaahaha! Revenge! I've finally got you, Chase!" (His melty face shoots out a cloud of poison chemical gas which knocks Chase out) "Sweet dreams, Chase. Actually, forget that, I hope you have nightmares about your mother jacking you off in front of your high school graduation class. Jerk."
MYSTERY MAN: "Just ten minutes. Ten minutes until..." (He straightens up and moves his face into the lighting, revealing the face of a horribly disfigured Emperor Mao Stalin) "PROJECT MOON REVENGE is ready!"
ERIK: "Excellent. We'll have the world in our hands once PROJECT MOON REVENGE is ready. And that evil Western spy, Chase Ricochet, won't be able to stop us!"
(Suddenly the wall explodes and Chase Ricochet flies in. As usual, he shoots everybody to death, but in the confusion, Emperor Stalin sneaks away. Chase holds a gun at Erik.)
ERIK: "Well well well, if it isn't my good friend Chase Ricochet. How are you doing this warm day?"
CHASE: "Give it up, Erik! The world has universally agreed that there's no space left for your dastardly moon laser!"
ERIK: "You win, Chase! Take me to your evil Western jail!" (Holds out hands, as if waiting to be handcuffed. Suddenly Emperor Stalin leaps out and tackles Chase)
SCENE 8: Erik's High Tech Torture Chamber
There are many evil looking things such as buzzsaws and knives and lasers lying around. Chase is tied to a steel cot, his arms and legs are bolted down, and Emperor Mao stands above him with a remote control with buttons clearly labeled "KILL" and "KILL MORE."
EMPEROR STALIN: "You thought you killed me, didn't you Chase? Well you didn't. Because I am still living!" (Emperor Stalin leans down to get a closer look at Chase.) "By pushing me into my own vat of deadly poisons, you caused my body to mutate and become immune to the chemicals! Now I emit poisons wherever I go, leaving a trail of destruction! Your journey ends here, Chase! Time to die! Game over! The end!" (Presses the "KILL SLOWLY" button, which causes a laser to shoot out to the left of Chase's head and slowly move towards his skull.) "I'm not exactly sure why the laser always starts off all the way over there to the left, or why the hell it moves so slow, but it will get to you soon and then you'll have a SPLITTING headache!"Supercunt Pussycrotch plays the game by her own rules. The rules of sex-appeal!LEATHER WOMAN:(Removes mask) "I am Supercunt Pussycrotch, a spy from your allies in Japan."
(Chase and Emperor Stalin wait roughly 14 minutes for the laser to get close to his head. During this time, an absolutely riveting orchestral score takes place while the camera cuts back and forth from Chase's face, Emperor Stalin's face, the laser, the steel cot, and stock footage of a gazelle. Suddenly, right before the laser is about to come into contact with Chase, a sexy, leather-bound ninja flies in through the storm window, beats up Emperor Stalin, turns off the laser, and frees Chase)
CHASE: "Just in the nick of time! And who may I thank for this dramatic rescue?"
CHASE: "Oh, the Japanese, you're just my cup of tea!" (Leans over to kiss Supercunt)
SUPERCUNT: "Oh no, this is inappropriate, Chase, and will look bad on my report!"
CHASE: "How can being bad and feeling so good be so bad when you want it badly, you good girl?" (They have sex in the torture chamber)
SCENE 9: Computer Room of Heinrich's Secret Base
There is an awfully large LED which displays the number 1:03 and is steadily counting down. Erik is drinking a martini and smoking a cigar while thinking of driving drunk or raping somebody.
ERIK: "Only one minute until PROJECT MOON REVENGE is ready and I will be able to, well, get revenge by using the laser on the moon! Muuaaahahaa!"
(Chase and Supercunt bust into the room through the air ventilation ducts. Erik runs to the wall and grabs a wooden club that was hanging off it for some reason)
ERIK: "Oh Chase, you cannot shoot me, we must be gentlemen and do the proper thing; a duel to the death with these wooden clubs!"
CHASE: (Drops his gun and picks up a club from the wall) "You're lucky I have a dual personality!" (Erik quickly rushes over, grabs Chase's gun, and points it at him)
ERIK: "Well well well, it appears as if I've got you over a barrel! You know, the gun barrel!" (The camera zooms in on his finger about to pull the trigger, when suddenly Supercunt leaps in front of Chase and takes the bullet)
SUPERCUNT: "Chase... I'm dying. Please stop Erik!"
CHASE: "Oh Supercunt, you meant so much to me!" (They have near-death sex. Although the camera tastefully leaves it offscreen, it is implied that Chase places his penis in her bullet wound at least once. He then gets up and Erik pulls the trigger repeatedly, attempting to shoot Chase. The gun doesn't fire) "It looks like you're firing blanks, Erik!"
ERIK: "Curses! Well you can stop me, but you can't stop PROJECT MOON REVENGE!"
CHASE: "Oh yes I can!" (He hits the button marked "STOP PROJECT MOON REVENGE" just as the LED timer reads "0:00:00:01" on it)
CHASE: "Your days of moonlighting as a terrorist are over, Erik!"
SCENE 10: INTERIOR OF GI13MULE HEADQUARTERS
Chase, Headmaster Chauncy, Professor ~, and Barbara are all standing around and talking with each other. The mood is lighthearted and / or whimsical.
HEADMASTER CHAUNCY: "Well Chase, you've done it again. You've defeated evil in all its forms, saved the world, and accomplished it all without sustaining a single scratch! How did you ever do it?"
CHASE: "Well I owe it all to Professor ~'s high tech watch!" (He pulls up his sleeve to show off his wristwatch, but it is missing.) "Oh, that's right, I dropped it inside Heinrich's base!" (Everybody begins to laugh lightheartedly / whimsically. Professor ~ secretly holds back his tears and burning rage)
HEADMASTER CHAUNCY: "Ha ha ha! So what will you do now, Chase? Up for a little R&R?"
CHASE: "I'm always up for R&R if Barbara is involved. So how about it, Barbara? Would you like to lax my re and then rest with me?"
BARBARA: "That doesn't even make any sense."
(They all laugh. As movie fades to black, viewers can vaguely make out Chase trying to grab Barbara's ass.)
Whew! What will await Chase on his next adventure? Probably very little; it took too much goddamn time to write this.
A New Man Subjected to Hentai!
Zack "Gold Appraiser" Parsons here, with an all new Hentai Game Review. This week I am pleased to introduce a guest reviewer from the SA Forums by the name of Mathieu "Korasoff" Allaire. For whatever reason (read: masochism) Mathieu has decided to subject himself to the horrors of reviewing a hentai game for your amusement. He selected the classic game "Paradise Heights" and I think he did an excellent job of conveying the suffering involved in reviewing these games.
I'd like to announce that there's a "plot" to follow in this game, but I'd be deluding the reader and myself. Game starts, women appear, Keigo has sex, then "incidents" start happening. Someone turns off the water in Kayo's apartment (Keigo turns it back on = wet blouse and sex ensuing); a fire starts out on the balcony… All kinds of wacky hijincks that are supposed to be exciting! But folks, there's a reason why traditional stories don't include panty thieves or women who ask you to move their chest of drawers. It's called "clunky foreshadowing." It's porno-movie-bad in terms of triggers and events, but at least in porno you get people who look like normal human beings.
Head on over and check out this hot new guest reviewer's work! We guarantee satisfaction or your money back.
Obviously, the first thing necessary to getting back in shape is buying a bunch of expensive knick-knacks.
Finally, a look at the candidate's long-delayed tax returns.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.