They're the moments everyone will be talking about around the office Gatorade cooler. These feats of athleticism are so impressive that they might cause you to accidentally drop your daily Sports ticket voucher and miss out on your ration of boiled peanuts. That's right, it's time for today's Top Sport Move Plays!
As always, today's moves come to us from Sport, the only sport in existence and the nationally mandated pastime. There is no other sport. Any suspicious non-Sport athletic activities must be reported to your local executioner-referee.
Presented by Message Pretzels. You've got a message for a loved one. Why not say it in pretzels?
The No Thanks Necessarys are in contention for a title run thanks to rookie Aaron Brr. Here we see Aaron laying face down on the ground, arms to his sides with his palms facing the sky. Using only his toes, he manages to propel himself around the quarter mile track three times before getting disqualified for laughing as this gold retriever licks his face. Tremendous effort on the part of the rookie.
Here's Hotshot Chiffon proving that he's worth every penny of that $10 billion contract. He takes not just one, or two, but eighteen punches to the head before falling off the stationary bike! Though the Athletes would eventually lose the match, Chiffon's performance proved enough to save a randomly selected fan from a flogging.
Presented by Wigs In A Sink Drain. Are they good? How many of them are there? Who knows! They're in a sink drain. Ask for it by name!
Watch the lower left corner of your screen. That's team captain Andy Chipwich standing near the pool shirtless without crossing his arms in front of his torso to cover his supple breasts. He doesn't even suck in his stomach! Another stunning play by Andy.
Grace Klumse has been a regular star of Top Sport Move Plays, and with plays like these it's easy to see why. Here she jumps off a trampoline, makes a perfect three point landing in the nest, then throws a spiraling 80 yard pass, landing the egg directly in the mouth of her teammate David Beckham even as the vengeful falcon's talons claw deep rivulets into her neck and shoulder. Fantastic sequence of events.
Presented by OmniSports. When it's OmniSports, you know it's sports. Now an official branch of the military.
I'm not sure why this one isn't the top play of the day. Tammy Candy is holding a much shorter opponent's homework up in the air, just out of his grasp. Here in slow motion we can see how she lowers the paper, then when the smaller athlete attempts to snatch it back Tammy expertly yanks it out of reach. You simply don't see that sort of athleticism in the minor leagues, folks.
You're going to want to hold on to your butts for this one. Watch as Ian Malcolm does 80% of a cartwheel before wobbling off sideways. That's the closest any athlete has ever come to competing a cartwheel in the history of Sport! You won't see that record being broken for decades.
Presented by Owels. Sort of like owls. Just... a little off. Something about the eyes. They don't seem quite right.
You thought you saw the last of rookie sensation Aaron Brr, but he's not done! Here he hides motionless in a bed of flowers for nearly five hours.
Will Theywon'they is on a tear this season. Today the veteran superstar had one of the highlight plays of his career, pretending to move in slow motion while he used his fingers as imaginary guns to shoot three opponents before they could raise their imaginary shields or return fire with imaginary grenades.
Presented by Performance Gear. If you aren't wearing Performance Gear, you're the only one to blame for not being liked by others!
Here we see Julie August nudge an opponent's elbow as he writes something very important, then she makes a running leap to tackle all ten midfield mannequins at once. As this replay from a second angle shows, the key is this really weird snarling face that she pulls.
And now, the Move Play of the day!
Hunch Ouvre's grip loosens, and his red balloon begins to float away. Without missing a beat, a determined Ouvre runs up the side of the stadium wall and kicks off like Spider-Man, twirling in mid-air to catch the very edge of the balloon's string before it can get away. What a close call! For a moment it seemed as though this was going to be a repeat of the balloon loss that ended his season three years ago.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Sorry about the blurry photo. I was lunging at my phone, yelling at it to take a clear picture. It's the only image of me that exists. I'd take another picture for you, but I'm in the middle of a rigorous trampoline session.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.