January 16, 1967

Harlan,

Love the new story but your title is too dark and confusing to put on our cover. I ran your outline by the boys in marketing and they came up with several alternatives that should appeal to an audience beyond the childless forty-somethings that make up the majority of our subscriber base. Blood clots claimed nearly 20% of our readership last year, so we have no choice but to adapt to a changing market with a shift towards easy-to-understand content and a new Beatles Trivia section Ray Bradbury is launching this summer. Please circle no more than fifteen (15) of your preferred title changes.

  • Dial M for Mouthlessness
  • Mouth, Mouth, Who's Got the Mouth?
  • The Screamless Five Versus Superhate
  • Harlan Ellison Presents: Compunauts from Space-star Galaxy Zero
  • Teddy No-Mouth and the Big Scream Adventure
  • A Scream is a Wish the Mouth Makes
  • Stalactite Ted's Two-Fisted Tale of Ice Justice
  • It's a Living!
  • Screamy Are the Damned
  • The Apocalypse Sex Nymph and Her Four Suitors
  • Curse of the Inside Voices
  • I AM What I AM: The Wit and Wisdom of Malevolent Programming
  • It Came from the Logical Conclusion to Prolonged Cold War Escalation
  • Showdown at Canned Goods Mountain
  • No Exit, But With an Evil Computer This Time
  • Shockingly True Nightmares of Otolaryngology
  • Baby's First Speculative Dystopian Fiction
  • Ones and Zeros, Scoundrels and Heroes
  • We Hope this Doesn't Remind You of Vietnam
  • The Terminator

In closing, I ask that you please submit your response via the U.S. Postal Service, rather than concealing it inside human excrement and hurling it at my office door.

- Your Editor

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey

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