Ladies, this is addressed to those of you considering face injections. Speaking on behalf of decent men: please don't inject your face. I'm only asking. We think you're beautiful. All of you. Don't stick poison into your precious faces. You probably only have one, so be careful with it.
Most of the reasons for injecting your face are not good. Don't shoot botulism into the corners of your eyes to smooth out wrinkles. Don't inject collagen, or saline, or hotdog water into your lips until you have sausage mouth. Most of all, don't try to do it yourself when the doctors refuse to give you any more treatments.
Remember Hang Mioku? Back in 2008 she injected a bunch of cooking oil into her face to try to make herself appear youthful. Have you ever seen cooking oil that has been sitting in a pan for a couple days? Imagine having that in your face forever.
Things didn't work out too well for Hang. A recent TV special brought the world up to date on her horrifying condition of looking like the dead body of a Muppet.
I'm not sure what standard of beauty convinces some women that they need to inject their faces with toxic substances, but I'm willing to bet men are to blame.
Men fetishize every part of a woman's body. Every part. Trust me, somewhere out there are guys looking for the women with the biggest skin tags. They'll have their own jargon for talking tags. "Dat dangle" or "Lovin' them meat drips." Some guy out there is fantasizing about his girlfriend dangling her floppy armpit tags all over his gross wiener.
Do you want to give skin tag guy control over your armpits? Are you going to cultivate a patch of dangles? Tweeze out some fresh tags? I don't think so. You're not giving the skin tag loser say over your pits, so don't give the rest of us any control over your face.
This message is specifically aimed at faces, but it goes for the rest of you as well. For example, if you are friends with a woman named Pebbelz Da Model, known for her 48-inch butt, you probably should not ask her for advice about how to get a butt like that. 48-inches is a lot of butt. Too much butt for humans. You might just end up dead from having concrete injected into your ass.
Men don't feel this sort of pressure. A handful of Hollywood types might go in for the injections, but most men assume women will accept our dumpy old bodies. So even things up, ladies. Either make us accept your dumpy old bodies, or start pressuring us to get ball lifts and Trapezius implants.
Make some guy so obsessed with having the perfect traps for the trap lovers that he implants door stops into his neck. Turn your judgmental female gaze on every man who doesn't shave every day. Hell, we should wax our faces and back and chest. We should look like ten year olds because that's what you ladies like, right?
Or, men and women could just be normal humans for once and knock all of that shit off. Please.
With college finals approaching, it's time once again for Microsoft Word autosummaries of all the old, boring books you were supposed to read.
"Don't you get it? What we have to understand is it's them or us. It can't be all of us, or one. It's got to be us, or they become it. Then we lose what makes us we."
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.